119 Preparation for Intimacy for the Single Man

Restart yourself to prepare to find intimacy

In these blog posts I have attempted to show a way in which intimacy can be increased in a relationship, and a change can be made to an intimacy focused life. Many men complain of not having enough sex with their partners, and the partners complain of there being inadequate intimacy in their relationship.

Some of this is due to previous experiences which have lead to behaviors which do not support intimacy in the relationship. For the man this is most often a reliance on media stereotypes of what they think they should be doing and how sex should be for themselves with a concentration on ejaculation and orgasm for them. Frequent masturbation and reliance on pornography may have fixed these behaviors in place and reduced the chances of the man showing intimacy in other ways.

Many men truly have little experience in all the ways in which they can share intimacy with their partner, and how little mundane things such as taking out the trash or providing foot massage can become vehicles for showing love and caring and a way to share intimacy. For many women sexual pleasure has only come from clitoral stimulation, and masturbation, and they have had little pleasure or orgasms from penetrative sex. They may not have realized how little this is understood by most men, who also have little experience of how to be intimate in other ways than through penetrative sex. They may also not know how poorly most men understand their needs for intimacy in all its forms and their desire for it.

This lack of knowledge and communication often leads to issues in a relationship, where neither understands what are the needs, desires, and aspirations of the other.

For the single man who seeks intimacy and a relationship these factors mean that he is so often completely out of his depth. He may have little idea of even how to begin.

Any increase in intimacy in a relationship has to start where the people are already and their understanding of what increases or prevents intimacy. This is challenging stuff, for most of us do not want to delve to deep into our past successes or failures, or see where we have failed to deliver in a relationship. No matter what you find here this is all the past, and the object of these blogs and the whole process of reintroduction to intimacy is to have a fresh start.

The two pillars of this process are that the male should embrace male chastity and that both should be mindful of each other. Male chastity is the freely accepted practice where the man gives up the ability to pleasure himself, to masturbate and to play with his private parts, and he hands over the ultimate control of these parts to someone else. This frequently leads to him wearing a chastity device to which his partner, a friend, or a professional coach holds the key. The object of this is to allow the man to stop all previous behaviors, and to be in a position where he can start again.

This is the stop signal which energizes him to change. He can only do it and make use of it if he wants to change, but it is there to help him. He is not prevented from having sex, only the control of it is not in his hands.

If he takes this step he will be cutting himself off from the use of masturbation and pornography as an aid to ejaculation, and will be dependent on what happens in the real world and not the one of his fantasies. This brings him fully into the whole word and acts as a stimulus to learning how he can please a potential partner and to go and find one.

If he then applies the principles of being mindful of the needs, desires, and aspirations of anyone he meets, and he learns to really listen to them, and show his interest by the way he treats them he will have a greater chance of finding someone interested in him. It is surprising how many women report that the people they meet at work, and in social gatherings are only interested in one thing, and that is themselves. Of course they are also interested in one other thing, which is getting to know someone so they can have sex with them, but their technique for reaching this point is woeful.

If all the women can say is that the men are only interested in themselves, their work, their car, their hobbies , then such men are not listening to the women but just talking at them. If a woman finds a man who will listen to her as a person, and show interest in her hobbies and interests, and who will treat her as an equal then she will be likely to want them as her friend. This can lead to platonic friendship, but can also lead to more intimate meeting and the development of a relationship.

For a man to be able to embrace male chastity and mindfulness may be more than he can do on his own, and help may be needed. This can come from a friend who can act as a key holder, or there are professionals, often from within the BDSM community who offer key holding services on the internet. Such people are rarely trained to work and mentor outside the kink community, and a man seeking a relationship who is interested in using male chastity as a method to help him may not want to go down this path.

An alternative way is to seek the assistance of a trained counselor, or coach, but few of them use male chastity as part of their system of assistance and might not feel happy acting as key holder for someone who is trying the effects of male chastity in their life.

This is something I have been doing for several years now. I can point you in the direction of someone who can act as a mentor and an external supervisor for the whole process of restarting Intimacy. Contact the author, Sierra Parker, by clicking here.

This assistance is often essential to getting a man well on the path of restarting intimacy and established in male chastity and learning how to be mindful.

Once the man has established himself on the program he can learn skills among those described in the later blogs which will aid him in his search for a companion and prevent him frightening people away.

If he learns how to make sure he is well groomed, clean and tidy and has clean hands, tidy nails, and no bad breath this will mean that women will not be repelled by him.

If he stands straight and does not slouch and looks at the person he is speaking to he will appear to be attentive.

If he has the opportunity to take a woman for a ride in his car and it is tidy and clean she may be pleasantly surprised. If she enters the place he lives and it is clean and tidy, and he can offer her a drink and serve it to her nicely she will be very surprised.

If he goes on a date and brings her flowers or a small present she will be impressed.

If he goes to her place and she provides a meal he can offer to help or to help wash up. If they go out together he can pay for the meal.

All of these are sufficiently rare that a woman will notice, and this will have the effect of making a relationship much more likely.

These are simple skills. More difficult is the need to be ever mindful of the person you are talking to, and to be fully mindful so you can see them, compliment them on how wonderful they look, and above all listen to them and be mindful.

For a woman to find a man who listens to her, and is prepared to be silent and not to push into the conversation or only want to talk about his hobbies and interests is rare. Learning the skills of being silent, and of really listening with the whole of your mind and body, so the other realizes that you are is an extremely important skill.

Be ever mindful of who you are with. Watch them for non verbal cues, listen to what they are saying, and be mindful that to have a relationship with them you need to be mindful of all their needs, desires, and aspirations. Learn to do this and you will get the reputation of being a “good listener” and get to know people as people, and this is a very intimate situation, even if there are no sexual overtones.

Learning a skill, whether it is the skill of making sure your place is tidy and you can make a drink and serve it nicely, or learning to cook and clean so you can offer help or provide a meal will impress.

Consider learning how to do foot massage. You can learn from books, and practice on yourself, or on your friends, but many women will treasure someone who can massage away the pains from their tired feet at the end of a busy day, and this can always led on to greater intimacy and a relationship if both of you wish it.

Always go slowly, looking for cues, and never be pushy. This will drive anyone away, and if you read it wrong you could be out on your ear after a botched attempt to kiss or touch which is seen as inappropriate. You will get a bad reputation if you are pushy, but be seen as “sweet or nice” if you take it slowly, which is what most woman want.

There is much to learn for even the single man. All the approaches which may lead to your forming a relationship can be aided by learning skills, and the way you listen and approach someone.

If you have realized that you have had problems with relationships in the past, and the factors that affect you in the way you try to form and keep relationships and either help or hinder, you will have made a good start. If you learn the practice of mindfulness, and use the process of male chastity to help wean you from masturbation and dependence on fantasy and pornography you will start to operate in the real world.

If you make the most of the learning opportunities to learn simple skills and behaviors that will show you as “reasonable” and someone who will listen this will make you more able to form and sustain relationships. Even if you do not immediately meet someone and embark on an intimate relationship you will get on better with your friends and the people you work with.

By looking more focused, cleaner and tidier and communicating better you will do better at work and since it is there you may find yourself seeing lot of people you will form good relationships even in the work world. As we all spend most of our time in work, and less outside of work, work relationships have the potential to become more and more important. Intimate relationships often start at work and go on from there, so your behavior with colleagues may be the key to getting on at work and making satisfying intimate relationships as well, possibly with the same people.

The possibilities for improvement are there no matter what may have gone wrong with relationships in the past, or even the lack of them and of experience. Simple steps, taken day after day, allow change to occur, and after making use of the resources of this book or the course, and with the aid of friends or professional coaches most men can improve their chances of making and sustaining intimate relationships, and satisfying a woman.

Restart intimacy gives a model which you can use, with assistance to change your lives and make intimate relationships a reality. You can learn how to please a woman, and this will lead to your pleasure in return You can make intimacy more likely in your life by the way you behave and interact.

Restarting intimacy is a method which works but it does require self honesty and work. Put at its most simple the message is:

• Start to live in the real world with real people and cast away fantasy and fiction
• Be mindful of anyone with whom you interact
• Learn skills to impress and make sure you know what you are doing
• Listen to what is being said in words and actions and gestures
• Do not be pushy but respond to others overtures to you
• Listen to her
• Listen to her
• Listen to HER, for she is showing you what she wants and how she wants it.

You can learn to satisfy another and their needs, their desires, and their aspirations.

But you can only do so by being mindful and taking the time and effort. You can change, and that change will liberate you to be able to form and sustain intimate relationships which lead to satisfaction for you and a partner.

RESTART INTIMACY A Unique Approach to Male Chastity (Intimacy and Male Chastity)

Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Approach-Chastity-Intimacy-ebook/dp/B00GUDSXXC/

Paperback:  http://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Unique-Approach-Chastity/dp/1493696319/

 

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples: Part 1. Build the foundations making male chastity work for you

Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-foundations-chastity/dp/1494207109/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy:a Workbook for couples: Part 2: Learn the skills; Become Expert and Fulfilled

Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-couples-Fulfilled/dp/1494217155/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples (Re-Introduction to Intimacy A workbook for couples)

Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Couples-workbook-ebook/dp/B00H133E8E/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 1: Build the Foundations; making male chastity work for you

Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Foundations-chastity/dp/1494217562/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 2. Learn the skills : Become Expert and ready for Intimacy

Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Single-skills/dp/1494217759/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man (Re-Introduction for the single man)

Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Single-single-ebook/dp/B00H0VGHYK/

For lots of great intimate toys, click on this banner to the Restart Intimacy Store!

118 A life of Intimacy for Couples

In these blog posts and my books I have attempted to show a way in which intimacy can be increased in a relationship, and a change can be made to an intimacy focused life. Many men complain of not having enough sex with their partners, and the partners complain of there being inadequate intimacy in their relationship.

Many men truly have little experience in all the ways in which they can share intimacy with their partner, and how little mundane things such as taking out the trash or providing foot massage can become vehicles for showing love and caring and a way to share intimacy. For many women sexual pleasure has only come from clitoral stimulation, and masturbation, and they have had little pleasure or orgasms from penetrative sex. They may not have realized how little this is understood by most men, who also have little experience of how to be intimate in other ways than through penetrative sex. They may also not know how poorly most men understand their needs for intimacy in all its forms and their desire for it.

This lack of knowledge and communication often leads to issues in a relationship, where neither understands what are the needs, desires, and aspirations of the other.

In previous blog posts I have provided a route to break through to a new life of increasing intimacy and pleasure for both. It is only going to work if both are prepared to change and to increase communication and listening, for if only one is engaged it is not going to succeed. Only a couple who actively want to change things can move forward, but working together can lead to so much greater intimacy and fun for both partners.

Any increase in intimacy in a relationship has to start where the people are already and their understanding of what increases or prevents intimacy. This means we should all be prepared to look at ourselves critically. This is challenging stuff, for most of us do not want to delve to deep into our past success or failure, or see where we have failed to deliver in a relationship. No matter what you find here, this is all the past; the object of the whole process of restart intimacy really is designed to have a fresh start.

The two pillars of this process are that the male should embrace male chastity and that both should be mindful of each other. Male chastity is the freely accepted practice where the man gives up the ability to pleasure himself, to masturbate and to play with his private parts, and he hands over the ultimate control of these parts to his partner, so she can decide when he is to be released and permitted to have an orgasm. This frequently leads to him wearing a chastity device to which his partner holds the key. The object of this is to allow the man to stop all previous behaviors, and to be in a position where he can start again. He is put into the position of the suitor who is courting a lady where he will have to wait until the time is right for full penetrative sex.

This has the effect of making him permanently aroused to see what he can do for his lady, and allows him to concentrate on her alone, and not be diverted by sexual images, pornography, or masturbation. This is the stop signal which energizes him to change. He can only do it and make use of it if he wants to change, but it is there to help him. He is not prevented from having sex, only the control of it is not in his hands. However if he reacts by becoming fully mindful of his partner, and growing the intimacy between them then he is so much more likely to find himself released for sex even more frequently than before he started on the process. The object is not to punish him but to direct him, as he voluntarily embraces male chastity in order to serve and please his partner and give her pleasure, which will lead to his pleasure in return.

For the woman in this situation it is important that she is mindful of his needs and desires, and does not use the male chastity to demean him, but rather to build up his responses to her to help him grow in intimacy. Once he discovers that there are so many ways to be intimate and to give and receive pleasure he will be energized to grow in the relationship as well.

All of this requires both partners to be mindful of each other. In the sections on being mindful I may have concentrated more on the position for the man and the changes he needs to accept to be mindful of his partner, but the same process applies to both. The exercises are designed to get both the man and the woman together, working together to develop the whole practice of mindfulness so that they can see each other as they are and listen and hear what the other is saying. This is not just concentrating on the words, but on the whole person and all the non verbal cues and information as well and the messages that the whole of their bodies are giving.

If both partners can move to a position of being mindful of each other, and communicating with the exercises they will be learning how to communicate as well at the same time outside the formalized exercise framework, which will help them grow into a closer relationship in every way.

In these blog posts I have included examples. They are all true, and taken from the lives of friends, acquaintances and those who have taken part in my course “Re-Introduction to Intimacy” or who have been coached by me and my colleagues in the past. I have used the fictitious names of “Michael and Mary” for the examples in order to remove personality and concentrate on what happens in real life with real people.

The later blog posts and part 3 of the book Restart Intimacy take specific situations and look at ways in which you can use them to increase intimacy. They look at areas in which traditionally the man will not have been expected to have skills and knowledge, but where simple things can demonstrate that he cares and is interested in living in such a way as may increase intimacy. Some of these are very simple things, where a little knowledge and preparation, or a little consideration and time may open the doors to greater intimacy.

Some of the activities and behaviors are so mundane, including taking out the trash, making sure that the man has cleaned his car, and allowing the woman to have control of the TV remote control, but they show that he is mindful of her and looking to care for her, to spoil her, and to consider her needs, desires, and aspirations, and to consider her as the full and complete person that she is.

Others are much more intimate, and include all sorts of bodily care, including massage and pedicure, washing her delicates, and giving her pleasure through oral sex. Some of these may be activities that have been tried before, but many may be new.

The whole process of considering them, talking about them, learning to do them, and the positive reinforcement that comes from praise when the simplest thing is done well and there is constant striving to do it all better for each other will draw the couple together.

I have put a lot of different ideas and options for increasing intimacy into this. Some will appeal to most people, and others will only have a few who want to use them, but it is the process of deciding together what you are going to try and then doing it which will draw the couple together.

So is it a restart or an introduction to intimacy. Because it incorporates the stop signal of the man embracing male chastity in order to allow him to change, and the aim is to start all over again in intimacy and its behaviors it is a true restart to intimacy.

For many couples looking to make intimacy as the core of so much of their mundane as well as intimate activity is new, so for them so much of what is proposed in part 3 of this book is a new thing. For them it is an introduction to intimacy in so many areas of their lives. They may have used the process to restart things, but they will now be introducing so much that is new to them into their lives.

It does not really matter how much is restarted, and how much is new; what matters is the process of growing closer together and changing the whole dynamic of the relationship. Some people can do this on their own without assistance, but others need assistance in helping them make the changes they need to try and it is for them that this book has been written.

Most of us realize at a deep level that we are out of our depth in any relationship, and so need help, so this realization that we are not ideal or behaving as well or effectively as we could that drives the changes.

For some people old habits can be changed easily. They are the sort of people who can realize they need to lose a stone (about 15 lbs.) in weight, and immediately do it, and keep the weight off. They are those who tell you how they decided to give up smoking and just did it and there were no problems at all. For most of us this is not the case and help is needed. We need to want to change old and bad habits; we know we want to, and we do really want to change. But it is all so hard, and so much to do we do not know where to start, and we fear we will fail and look like idiots and failures.

It is hard to accept that we need help, but it is there if we need it. Our partners want to help but cannot do so unless we ask for it. If they try to get us to change without us wanting to do so we feel aggrieved and persecuted. If we want to change and we ask for their help they will give it to us. But they may not know what to do.

The object of this process and these blog posts is to show that you can change, and there are ways to make it more likely. I know that it does work. I have seen the effects on couples over the years whom I have been able to help, or rather I have been there to help them help themselves. You can change and all I can do is to facilitate this, to be available for advice and assistance and to provide support. It is the couple who make the decision to try this approach.

It is the man who has the courage to decide to embrace male chastity for his partner when he has scarcely even thought about it before that makes things happen. It is the man who is prepared to change and to develop his skills in the most unlikely of areas who gains the prize of a relationship of great intensity, intimacy and pleasure.

It is the woman who really stands by her partner when he finds things tough and by her praise and support helps him to develop. Her work and support, and literally holding him by the hand is what drives the process forwards.

A couple who have the audacity to be prepared to change their ways, to learn and to develop intimacy in their relationship are bidding for a great prize for they can place intimacy at the core of everything they do they will grow together.

If they can persevere, and grow, and introduce one by one new opportunities for increasing intimacy, whilst being fully mindful of each other then they will have set the roots of their relationship very deep indeed. They will have restarted intimacy as a way of increasing intimacy, and pleasure for both of them, and they will have had a good time as well!

Although this can all seem very deep and daunting as a process it should also be fun and enjoyable. Increasing intimacy should give as many laughs as orgasms, probably many times more. If you take this process as both fun and serious together at the same time this will allow you to grow and enjoy yourselves and that is after all one of the objects of the process.

If you start with a man who does not know how to satisfy his partner or be intimate with her, outside of penetrative sex, and a woman who craves intimacy in all its forms restarting intimacy should lead to a man who now understands his partner’s needs, desires, and aspirations and is mindful of her, as she is of him. It should lead to a couple who live a life of deepening intimacy and closeness, and this will led to more pleasure and sex for the man as well. A woman satisfied with her life of intimacy will want more sex in all its forms, so both are winners and no one loses at all.

For those who wish help beyond the confines of these blog posts, I have the Restart Intimacy book and the Reintroduction to Intimacy course workbook, based on the material which I have used here, and which uses the form of exercises. Because so often there are queries and a need to talk to someone outside of the couple by both partners either together or individually, I offer contact and support and can put you in touch with those who can mentor or help with issues that come up when you try to restart intimacy in your relationship (contact the author, Sierra Parker, here).

For a limited time, the Restart Intimacy Kindle book is on sale for $3.99!

RESTART INTIMACY A Unique Approach to Male Chastity (Intimacy and Male Chastity)

Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Unique-Approach-Chastity/dp/1493696319/

Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Approach-Chastity-Intimacy-ebook/dp/B00GUDSXXC/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples: Part 1. Build the foundations making male chastity work for you
Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-foundations-chastity/dp/1494207109/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy:a Workbook for couples: Part 2: Learn the skills; Become Expert and Fulfilled
Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-couples-Fulfilled/dp/1494217155/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples (Re-Introduction to Intimacy A workbook for couples)
Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Couples-workbook-ebook/dp/B00H133E8E/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 1: Build the Foundations; making male chastity work for you
Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Foundations-chastity/dp/1494217562/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 2. Learn the skills : Become Expert and ready for Intimacy
Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Single-skills/dp/1494217759/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man (Re-Introduction for the single man)
Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Single-single-ebook/dp/B00H0VGHYK/

For lots of great intimate toys, click on this banner to the Restart Intimacy Store!

117 Learn to Relax and Have Fun

Relax!

If you take every part of these blog posts and every exercise in utter seriousness you will become so intense that you will not be able to relax and enjoy yourselves. This journey into the reintroduction to intimacy should be fun rather than work. If you look at it as a struggle and a fight to get intimacy then you will fight and have arguments. If you look at it as work then it may become as boring as work.

 “Thursday the 3^rd of November Work today was boring, meetings and need to go through lots of emails, short lunch break but all my favorites had already disappeared from the cafeteria when I got there. Home, no welcome but 3 hours of jobs to be done followed by sex timed to check we were tantric kissing for 15 minutes, doing oral sex for 30 minutes and followed by 15 minutes massage of her feet. Sleep – exhausted”.

I can think of nothing worse than this as a way to live, and whatever is happening between you it is certainly not intimacy as suggested here and in my book. You need time to be together and to do things, time not kept so short as to be of no use. For sex, allow hours to make love, relax into it and relax afterwards as well. Make the restart of intimacy fun, with the exercises turned into games, and time for fun between you.

You may not have “played” since you were a child, but play is for adults also, and so much of intimacy can be seen as a form of play. Children play cleaning a room; a man can do the same but also do it right, and enjoy what he is doing for his partner. If you can infuse your restart of intimacy with the spirit of play you will get more out of it, and enjoy yourselves.

After all the whole object of the reintroduction to intimacy is to increase intimacy in all areas of life, and to refocus life on a life lived as an adventure into intimacy.

These are all just suggestions but they do show ways in which you can begin with the skills from the book and workbook, then proceed to use them to build intimacy and make it at the center of your lives.

Nothing in these blog posts or the books from which they spring as a way to improve intimacy are absolute. It is all suggestions of ways in which you can come together and develop deeper intimacy in so many areas of life until the approach takes over and becomes not what you do, but what you are.

Some things will work for some couples, and others will find an equally effective but different way to grow together. Not everything can be found here, it can only be found between the two of you and in your lives.

These blog posts are here to help.

If you want to go further and look more into the whole process of restarting intimacy in your lives, you need to get the Restart Intimacy book and consider enrolling in the “Re-Introduction to Intimacy” course.   The Reintroduction to Intimacy course workbooks are also available on Amazon.  See below.

I can provide assistance in obtaining an outside supervisor and mentor for couples and individuals.

Do you dare make change in your life?

Make the changes and you will be assured of a new life of intimacy! For a limited time, the Restart Intimacy Kindle book is on sale for $3.99!

RESTART INTIMACY A Unique Approach to Male Chastity (Intimacy and Male Chastity)

Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Unique-Approach-Chastity/dp/1493696319/

Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Approach-Chastity-Intimacy-ebook/dp/B00GUDSXXC/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples: Part 1. Build the foundations making male chastity work for you
Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-foundations-chastity/dp/1494207109/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy:a Workbook for couples: Part 2: Learn the skills; Become Expert and Fulfilled
Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-couples-Fulfilled/dp/1494217155/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples (Re-Introduction to Intimacy A workbook for couples)
Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Couples-workbook-ebook/dp/B00H133E8E/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 1: Build the Foundations; making male chastity work for you
Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Foundations-chastity/dp/1494217562/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 2. Learn the skills : Become Expert and ready for Intimacy
Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Single-skills/dp/1494217759/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man (Re-Introduction for the single man)
Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Single-single-ebook/dp/B00H0VGHYK/

For lots of great intimate toys, click on this banner to the Restart Intimacy Store!

116 Some Other Ideas for Play and Pleasure #4

Make sure to communicate when you are separated

If the man is away on business and alone he will feel lonely. If he is wearing a chastity device he will feel doubly separated, as now he will not be able to masturbate and relieve himself as he used to do. But being locked away, as he has voluntarily embraced, he is safe from dangerous affairs, as the female partner has the key at home.

Now is the time he really needs to be able to see his partner and to talk to her.  You can keep things so intimate by talking , texting, emailing , and seeing each other on Skype even if you are forced to be thousands of miles away. This is essential as it keeps the connection close between you, and you see and hear each other to keep you in touch in every sense. For the man in a chastity device this is touch from afar, as every feeling he has of the device is the touch of his partner who applied the device; she holds him closely to her with the device just as if she were holding him in her hand.

Keep an intimacy diary

I have written before of the value of keeping an intimacy diary. This allows you to keep a record of all the things you find intimate in your relationship, and to muse on possibilities. It needs to be completely private to each partner, but it can help you when you are looking at your reaction to events and actions, and to work out how to discuss issues of intimacy which otherwise you might come to talking about unprepared.

It is a good discipline to do this.  Looking back you will begin to see the record of all the things you now see as intimate, increasing (even the mundane actions such as taking out the trash), and it will remind you of how far you have come on the journey to increasing intimacy in your relationship.

115 Some Other Ideas for Play and Pleasure #3

Have some fun

Think up fun ways to enjoy yourselves.

If the man has embraced male chastity and is locked away, he is available for teasing, stimulating with touch until he is desperate for release, then stopping, then starting again. You can tease a locked away male for hours and he will get more and more excited, until perhaps you let him have his release when he has begun to think he will be teased like this forever.

One option you might consider is to use handcuffs, one cuff to his left wrist, and the other to her right wrist. Stay like this for a few hours or even a whole day or a night.

You will be connected together and everything you do you will do together, whether helping each other eat or dress or wash or sleep or even walk you will be held together as one. Even basic activities such as going to the toilet will be done together as you cannot get free. This really brings closeness and intimate contact to a whole new level of closeness; it could be fun!

Write down one of your fantasies on a piece of paper. If both do this and then swap, and take time for reflection to think about whether they would like to do that sort of thing, then you can sit down, together, holding hands, and share your ideas on what has been proposed. If it seems a good idea after the pause for reflection, give it a go and see if you like it.

Play games with intimacy exercises, choose one to use in play and enjoy yourselves in what you do.

Learn together

There are skills in massage, tantric sex, or even in elements of housework, cooking or DIY which you can choose to learn together. As long as it is something you decide you both want to do, and it does not turn into a competition to see who can do it better than the other any learning together is an intimate experience.

You could consider doing a formal course together, or just going to talks and lectures. You could work on a project together which will benefit both of you. If your house is old and needs renovation why not learn together the skill to do the work.

It is not what you do together that matters but how you do it and why you are doing it.

114 Some Other Ideas for Play and Pleasure #2

Find ways to pamper her

You can always find things she likes and find out how to pamper your partner. You could pay for her to have a day away as a “spa”   break or just do the pampering yourself in the ways she has shown you. This might include a massage, a pedicure (which assumes that you have learned to do it the way she wants), breakfast in bed, run her her bath for her, and time doing a foot massage as well. If this is what she likes she will like it, and if you do it to her satisfaction she will like it a lot!

You could offer her a specific package of a day of service: doing the shopping and housework, cooking and taking her out for a meal, and accompanying her for her to go shopping with you providing the car and driver (yourself) and porter to carry all he purchases.

You could both decide to have a day of “pleasure and intimacy” which you both decide, but she makes all the decisions on what is done.

All of these are just suggestions of how you can spoil her; you both need to find out what YOU want to do.

Intensify sensation

When you touch someone they feel your touch, but if they are not expecting it the sensation is increased in strength as there is no warning. The same is true if you are touched but in the dark, or cannot hear what is going on.

You can try the effect of touching or massage with either of you wearing a blindfold, so either the person being touched , or the person trying to do the touching cannot see. This can all be intensified further if one of you is wearing ear plugs so they cannot hear you coming to touch them, or having soothing music played on the stereo or through the earphones.

If one of you is limited in your movement by some light bondage, tied so you are comfortable but immobile then you are in a good position for touching and particularly for tickling. Only do this if you both want to do it, but you might find it exciting and enjoy yourselves.

113 Some Other Ideas for Play and Pleasure

Time

To improve intimacy between you, time is needed: to talk about things, to do exercises together, and to be intimate with each other. Time is never enough when you are having fun, so you need to set aside time to have this sort of intimate fun and if necessarily schedule that time into the week.

It seems strange to set aside time for sex but it may be needed, especially if you both have such busy lives. Some authors suggest that there should be a “date night“ every week, or every couple of weeks, with time just set aside for the two of you. The details are not so important; it is the conscious setting aside time to be together and to allow intimacy to grow whatever you actually do that matters.

One other way is to look at opportunities to celebrate being together, birthdays, the day you first did certain things together, anniversaries, religious holidays for all faiths (even if you are not a believer). These can all be used by you both to set aside time for YOU BOTH TOGETHER.

Holiday breaks are good, and this does not mean necessarily going away, for you can take a vacation at home where you take a day of leave from work, or take a whole weekend and instead of filling it with things to do, and jobs to be done treat it as a vacation for you as a couple. If you have children they might be able to go to family or friends for this period, or at least for a “sleepover” to allow you to have time together.

A weekend away just for you as a couple will give you chance to pamper your partner and show her how you care for her and give time to hang out together, and be intimate with lots of cuddles and more!

111 The Key to Great Sex is Consideration for Each Other

The aim of both partners should always be to be fully mindful of the other, and to seek pleasure in giving pleasure to them. It may be that you could start with tantric kissing, then cuddling, then oral sex so that the woman has an orgasm, and then move into more tantric themed penetration and take it all from there.

This is something to savor, to enjoy, and to reflect upon, always finding ways to increase the pleasure of your partner and hence your own.

Restart Intimacy is a process that will allow both partners to grow in intimacy in all areas of their lives, and to make the whole of life an adventure in intimacy. By starting from the beginning again, with the man embracing male chastity and its limitations both are freed from the problems of the past to try new methods and techniques to improve their lives.

I have deliberately not sought to give a system to allow both partners to reach intimacy and orgasm in sex for no one advice fits all. Everyone will be different both in what they find gives them pleasure and the best way to do it. The most I can do is to point each man and woman in the way of being open with each other, and non-judgmental, and to emphasize that this is a joint learning for both partners and for the pleasure of both of them.

You both need to learn how to please each other

You can only do this by starting with an open mind.

You can always learn more!

The more you are mindful of your partner and seek to please the better for both.

Although most men know little of how to please a woman they can always learn if they really want to. Your partner is your best teacher but you must want to learn.

If you start from the premise that HER PLEASURE IS YOUR PRIORITY then you become less likely to go wrong. You will listen, you will follow the clues and markers that she lays of how you can please her. You will take your time and make sure she is getting the pleasure she needs and desires. You will gain a great degree of close intimacy from even the simple actions, and your lovemaking will become more effective.

By giving pleasure you will gain it in return. If she allows you to have penetrative sex with her and it pleases her then it may occur again. By giving her pleasure she will do all she can to give you pleasure, and the more you open up to the possibilities of all the ways you can give pleasure the more you will both enjoy yourselves.

By using this process and learning the habits of communication, mindfulness, and sharing, and by the changes which come with voluntarily embracing male chastity and mindfulness you will have prepared yourself for a better relationship and greater intimacy. By handing over control you will discover that you have greater freedom to learn, and as a result most often increased intimacy and sex also.

By learning how to please you will end up with more sex not less, and so much better.

110 Tantric Sex

In the Tantric approach to sex and intimacy, keeping still is more important than movement. Tantric kissing involves close contact with the whole of your partner’s lips for long periods, just being together in closeness, breathing together and sensing the presence of the other.

In Tantric sex, time becomes unimportant, and the whole period can take hours. Touching and being close to your partner is the key. Touching each other, lubricating each other, and then inserting the penis before it is even fully aroused is the common approach.

The connection at a mental level that comes from the connection of the two bodies physically gives pleasure. Once the penis is inserted into the vagina there is no thrusting, no hard movement, but more a quiet rocking back and forth, which excites both and can lead to orgasm.

The aim for the man is to delay orgasm, and not to strive to do much, rather to enter a state of being. For the woman the aim is to reach a whole body orgasm, and not to concentrate on the clitoris at all. This is all different from normal kissing and sex, where the importance of the clitoris is so great, and this is how most women reach orgasm.

Despite all these differences and the need to study to be able to perform Tantric sex, with many books suggesting courses and retreats may be necessary to be able to deliver orgasms to each other, and the other elements of Tantric thought which emphasize the magnetic pull of the bodies together, and the need for meditation and lack of emotion, many couples find this approach to sex enlightening. It is an approach which can give greater pleasure to both partners.

Some elements of the approach can also be used in more traditional sex, particularly the emphasis on taking time, and being close to your partner.

Tantric style kissing can be an effective way to relax into the act of kissing and realize the need to kiss so as to give the greatest pleasure to the other.

The emphasis on being connected, with the penis in the vagina and not moving fits with the need to stop hard and powerful movements and to prolong the sex before male ejaculation occurs.

The insertion of the semi aroused penis into the vagina allows those with poor penile expansion, or problems of lack of erection to bond together. The delay in male ejaculation, or even sex without male ejaculation, allows relaxation now that the process of pleasing your partner is the core, and ejaculation is no longer the only goal. This can help with those men who have problems of premature ejaculation, or difficulty in reaching ejaculation. Once such worries are no more they will find that the problems may disappear and will become much less important.

Tantric sex requires a high level of intimacy and intimacy gives pleasure to both.

So experiment with the Tantric approaches, see if they work for you and if you want to explore further consider getting a book or taking a course. For a couple practice where they learn to touch, to be close, and to relish every part of each other’s body can do nothing but good, even if some of the philosophy underlying the approach does not appeal or the techniques not work for them.

For many women the lack of involvement in the clitoral stimulation which they know brings them to orgasm is a problem. But there is no reason to use only one method when practicing intimacy in sex if other approaches are also needed.

The aim of both partners should always be to be fully mindful of the other, and to seek pleasure in giving pleasure to them. It may be that you could start with Tantric kissing, then cuddling, then oral sex so that the woman has an orgasm, and then move into more Tantric themed penetration and take it all from there.

This is something to savor, to enjoy, and to reflect upon, always finding ways to increase the pleasure of your partner and hence your own. For some people this whole approach can be very liberating.

109 Penetrative Sex

For the man, penetrative sex often appears to be the only area of intimacy which he considers intimate. But now both partners should have explored so many other ways to share intimacy, and an approach to make the whole of life together a sharing intimate experience.

Media stereotypes affect the way we look at penetrative genital sex just as much as they do for kissing or oral sex. In fiction and in film it is the size of the penis that matters, and the hardness with which it is pushed into the woman. This is not a true or helpful model to use. Once engorged and aroused the penis will be larger than when at rest, but it is not the size that matters, but how you use it. Similarly a hard forcing of the penis as far as it can go can often cause discomfort, and if it hits the cervix, the entry to the womb this is an area where there can be pain. Softer, slower, and quieter entry may be better. Movement needs to be so as to stimulate both partners, and give pleasure for both. There are so many nerve endings at the entry to the vagina, and around the clitoris which can be stimulated, and you need to find the best position to use for penetration and pleasure.

Books and sex manuals all suggest a dizzying variety of positions for penetrative sex, and some of them need you to be so flexible and fit that they may be difficult to hold. It is worth finding positions that are comfortable for both the man and the woman, for then you can take your time and savor each moment you are joined together, and move as one.

Just as with oral sex or any other area of intimacy:

• Be mindful of your partner and her needs, desires and aspirations
• Listen to her as she tells you what she wants you to do and how to do it
• Discover what works for her and gives her pleasure
• Do not rush and take your time

Again and again it is the way you go about things, and the consideration you give to each other that produces the best result for both partners. So always consider how wonderful it is to be allowed to penetrate your partner and come to orgasm, and thank her for the opportunity. If the man has embraced male chastity and has been living a life without masturbation or ejaculation except with his partner, and may have also been locked up in a chastity device to prevent expansion of the penis the opportunity to have penetrative sex with his partner becomes ever more charged with potential and power.

She deserves to be thanked for allowing the penetration to happen, just as she deserves to be thanked for all the other things she does for you, including providing nice meals, or allowing you to perform oral sex on her. All are intimate and deserving of thanks.

Although most couples will not have discussed the details of what goes on in lovemaking of any sort in the past, discussion in a framework of positivism to thank each other for what went well, and to explore how to make things even better is the way forward. If there were problems, and the man does not feel he has performed for his partner as well as he would wish, then talking of how to make it better will help both the man and the woman.

You need to discover how to give her pleasure in penetrative sex just as you did in oral sex. Then you can relax into it, and there is far less risk of premature ejaculation. If you have made the rule “She comes first” so that you have brought her to orgasm with oral stimulation before any penetration then you will know that you have satisfied her already, so even if the ejaculation is earlier than you would wish, both have had pleasure, and you can work on how to make things even better for both of you.

Penetrative sex is one of the ways in which you show your love for each other but it is not the only way.

If the woman has already reached orgasm from oral stimulation she can still reach it again during penetrative intercourse.

Delaying ejaculation, moving quietly and softly, and being guided by your partner gives more pleasure than hard insertion and force.

Both partners need to find out how to please the other, and if the man has embraced male chastity so this is the only time he will ejaculate you both want to make it memorable.

In the restart of intimacy, sex (either oral or penetrative) may be a key to success. But it is only one of the ways in which intimacy is assured. You need to find out what works for you, and at the beginning be led by each other. This is something you do together, so doing it for each other is the best approach to take.

But it is so much better as a part of changing the whole tone of the relationship so that intimacy lies at its heart. If you look at all the opportunities to increase intimacy in this blog and all the rest of part 3 of my Restart Intimacy book, and both are mindful of each other and have a desire to change then intimacy can become the center, and all of life be lived as an expression of intimacy.