In these blog posts and my books I have attempted to show a way in which intimacy can be increased in a relationship, and a change can be made to an intimacy focused life. Many men complain of not having enough sex with their partners, and the partners complain of there being inadequate intimacy in their relationship.
Many men truly have little experience in all the ways in which they can share intimacy with their partner, and how little mundane things such as taking out the trash or providing foot massage can become vehicles for showing love and caring and a way to share intimacy. For many women sexual pleasure has only come from clitoral stimulation, and masturbation, and they have had little pleasure or orgasms from penetrative sex. They may not have realized how little this is understood by most men, who also have little experience of how to be intimate in other ways than through penetrative sex. They may also not know how poorly most men understand their needs for intimacy in all its forms and their desire for it.
This lack of knowledge and communication often leads to issues in a relationship, where neither understands what are the needs, desires, and aspirations of the other.
In previous blog posts I have provided a route to break through to a new life of increasing intimacy and pleasure for both. It is only going to work if both are prepared to change and to increase communication and listening, for if only one is engaged it is not going to succeed. Only a couple who actively want to change things can move forward, but working together can lead to so much greater intimacy and fun for both partners.
Any increase in intimacy in a relationship has to start where the people are already and their understanding of what increases or prevents intimacy. This means we should all be prepared to look at ourselves critically. This is challenging stuff, for most of us do not want to delve to deep into our past success or failure, or see where we have failed to deliver in a relationship. No matter what you find here, this is all the past; the object of the whole process of restart intimacy really is designed to have a fresh start.
The two pillars of this process are that the male should embrace male chastity and that both should be mindful of each other. Male chastity is the freely accepted practice where the man gives up the ability to pleasure himself, to masturbate and to play with his private parts, and he hands over the ultimate control of these parts to his partner, so she can decide when he is to be released and permitted to have an orgasm. This frequently leads to him wearing a chastity device to which his partner holds the key. The object of this is to allow the man to stop all previous behaviors, and to be in a position where he can start again. He is put into the position of the suitor who is courting a lady where he will have to wait until the time is right for full penetrative sex.
This has the effect of making him permanently aroused to see what he can do for his lady, and allows him to concentrate on her alone, and not be diverted by sexual images, pornography, or masturbation. This is the stop signal which energizes him to change. He can only do it and make use of it if he wants to change, but it is there to help him. He is not prevented from having sex, only the control of it is not in his hands. However if he reacts by becoming fully mindful of his partner, and growing the intimacy between them then he is so much more likely to find himself released for sex even more frequently than before he started on the process. The object is not to punish him but to direct him, as he voluntarily embraces male chastity in order to serve and please his partner and give her pleasure, which will lead to his pleasure in return.
For the woman in this situation it is important that she is mindful of his needs and desires, and does not use the male chastity to demean him, but rather to build up his responses to her to help him grow in intimacy. Once he discovers that there are so many ways to be intimate and to give and receive pleasure he will be energized to grow in the relationship as well.
All of this requires both partners to be mindful of each other. In the sections on being mindful I may have concentrated more on the position for the man and the changes he needs to accept to be mindful of his partner, but the same process applies to both. The exercises are designed to get both the man and the woman together, working together to develop the whole practice of mindfulness so that they can see each other as they are and listen and hear what the other is saying. This is not just concentrating on the words, but on the whole person and all the non verbal cues and information as well and the messages that the whole of their bodies are giving.
If both partners can move to a position of being mindful of each other, and communicating with the exercises they will be learning how to communicate as well at the same time outside the formalized exercise framework, which will help them grow into a closer relationship in every way.
In these blog posts I have included examples. They are all true, and taken from the lives of friends, acquaintances and those who have taken part in my course “Re-Introduction to Intimacy” or who have been coached by me and my colleagues in the past. I have used the fictitious names of “Michael and Mary” for the examples in order to remove personality and concentrate on what happens in real life with real people.
The later blog posts and part 3 of the book Restart Intimacy take specific situations and look at ways in which you can use them to increase intimacy. They look at areas in which traditionally the man will not have been expected to have skills and knowledge, but where simple things can demonstrate that he cares and is interested in living in such a way as may increase intimacy. Some of these are very simple things, where a little knowledge and preparation, or a little consideration and time may open the doors to greater intimacy.
Some of the activities and behaviors are so mundane, including taking out the trash, making sure that the man has cleaned his car, and allowing the woman to have control of the TV remote control, but they show that he is mindful of her and looking to care for her, to spoil her, and to consider her needs, desires, and aspirations, and to consider her as the full and complete person that she is.
Others are much more intimate, and include all sorts of bodily care, including massage and pedicure, washing her delicates, and giving her pleasure through oral sex. Some of these may be activities that have been tried before, but many may be new.
The whole process of considering them, talking about them, learning to do them, and the positive reinforcement that comes from praise when the simplest thing is done well and there is constant striving to do it all better for each other will draw the couple together.
I have put a lot of different ideas and options for increasing intimacy into this. Some will appeal to most people, and others will only have a few who want to use them, but it is the process of deciding together what you are going to try and then doing it which will draw the couple together.
So is it a restart or an introduction to intimacy. Because it incorporates the stop signal of the man embracing male chastity in order to allow him to change, and the aim is to start all over again in intimacy and its behaviors it is a true restart to intimacy.
For many couples looking to make intimacy as the core of so much of their mundane as well as intimate activity is new, so for them so much of what is proposed in part 3 of this book is a new thing. For them it is an introduction to intimacy in so many areas of their lives. They may have used the process to restart things, but they will now be introducing so much that is new to them into their lives.
It does not really matter how much is restarted, and how much is new; what matters is the process of growing closer together and changing the whole dynamic of the relationship. Some people can do this on their own without assistance, but others need assistance in helping them make the changes they need to try and it is for them that this book has been written.
Most of us realize at a deep level that we are out of our depth in any relationship, and so need help, so this realization that we are not ideal or behaving as well or effectively as we could that drives the changes.
For some people old habits can be changed easily. They are the sort of people who can realize they need to lose a stone (about 15 lbs.) in weight, and immediately do it, and keep the weight off. They are those who tell you how they decided to give up smoking and just did it and there were no problems at all. For most of us this is not the case and help is needed. We need to want to change old and bad habits; we know we want to, and we do really want to change. But it is all so hard, and so much to do we do not know where to start, and we fear we will fail and look like idiots and failures.
It is hard to accept that we need help, but it is there if we need it. Our partners want to help but cannot do so unless we ask for it. If they try to get us to change without us wanting to do so we feel aggrieved and persecuted. If we want to change and we ask for their help they will give it to us. But they may not know what to do.
The object of this process and these blog posts is to show that you can change, and there are ways to make it more likely. I know that it does work. I have seen the effects on couples over the years whom I have been able to help, or rather I have been there to help them help themselves. You can change and all I can do is to facilitate this, to be available for advice and assistance and to provide support. It is the couple who make the decision to try this approach.
It is the man who has the courage to decide to embrace male chastity for his partner when he has scarcely even thought about it before that makes things happen. It is the man who is prepared to change and to develop his skills in the most unlikely of areas who gains the prize of a relationship of great intensity, intimacy and pleasure.
It is the woman who really stands by her partner when he finds things tough and by her praise and support helps him to develop. Her work and support, and literally holding him by the hand is what drives the process forwards.
A couple who have the audacity to be prepared to change their ways, to learn and to develop intimacy in their relationship are bidding for a great prize for they can place intimacy at the core of everything they do they will grow together.
If they can persevere, and grow, and introduce one by one new opportunities for increasing intimacy, whilst being fully mindful of each other then they will have set the roots of their relationship very deep indeed. They will have restarted intimacy as a way of increasing intimacy, and pleasure for both of them, and they will have had a good time as well!
Although this can all seem very deep and daunting as a process it should also be fun and enjoyable. Increasing intimacy should give as many laughs as orgasms, probably many times more. If you take this process as both fun and serious together at the same time this will allow you to grow and enjoy yourselves and that is after all one of the objects of the process.
If you start with a man who does not know how to satisfy his partner or be intimate with her, outside of penetrative sex, and a woman who craves intimacy in all its forms restarting intimacy should lead to a man who now understands his partner’s needs, desires, and aspirations and is mindful of her, as she is of him. It should lead to a couple who live a life of deepening intimacy and closeness, and this will led to more pleasure and sex for the man as well. A woman satisfied with her life of intimacy will want more sex in all its forms, so both are winners and no one loses at all.
For those who wish help beyond the confines of these blog posts, I have the Restart Intimacy book and the Reintroduction to Intimacy course workbook, based on the material which I have used here, and which uses the form of exercises. Because so often there are queries and a need to talk to someone outside of the couple by both partners either together or individually, I offer contact and support and can put you in touch with those who can mentor or help with issues that come up when you try to restart intimacy in your relationship (contact the author, Sierra Parker, here).
For a limited time, the Restart Intimacy Kindle book is on sale for $3.99!
RESTART INTIMACY A Unique Approach to Male Chastity (Intimacy and Male Chastity)
Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Unique-Approach-Chastity/dp/1493696319/
Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Approach-Chastity-Intimacy-ebook/dp/B00GUDSXXC/
Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples: Part 1. Build the foundations making male chastity work for you
Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-foundations-chastity/dp/1494207109/
Re-Introduction to Intimacy:a Workbook for couples: Part 2: Learn the skills; Become Expert and Fulfilled
Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-couples-Fulfilled/dp/1494217155/
Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples (Re-Introduction to Intimacy A workbook for couples)
Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Couples-workbook-ebook/dp/B00H133E8E/
Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 1: Build the Foundations; making male chastity work for you
Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Foundations-chastity/dp/1494217562/
Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 2. Learn the skills : Become Expert and ready for Intimacy
Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Single-skills/dp/1494217759/
Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man (Re-Introduction for the single man)
Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Single-single-ebook/dp/B00H0VGHYK/
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Ms. Sierra Parker 