118 A life of Intimacy for Couples

In these blog posts and my books I have attempted to show a way in which intimacy can be increased in a relationship, and a change can be made to an intimacy focused life. Many men complain of not having enough sex with their partners, and the partners complain of there being inadequate intimacy in their relationship.

Many men truly have little experience in all the ways in which they can share intimacy with their partner, and how little mundane things such as taking out the trash or providing foot massage can become vehicles for showing love and caring and a way to share intimacy. For many women sexual pleasure has only come from clitoral stimulation, and masturbation, and they have had little pleasure or orgasms from penetrative sex. They may not have realized how little this is understood by most men, who also have little experience of how to be intimate in other ways than through penetrative sex. They may also not know how poorly most men understand their needs for intimacy in all its forms and their desire for it.

This lack of knowledge and communication often leads to issues in a relationship, where neither understands what are the needs, desires, and aspirations of the other.

In previous blog posts I have provided a route to break through to a new life of increasing intimacy and pleasure for both. It is only going to work if both are prepared to change and to increase communication and listening, for if only one is engaged it is not going to succeed. Only a couple who actively want to change things can move forward, but working together can lead to so much greater intimacy and fun for both partners.

Any increase in intimacy in a relationship has to start where the people are already and their understanding of what increases or prevents intimacy. This means we should all be prepared to look at ourselves critically. This is challenging stuff, for most of us do not want to delve to deep into our past success or failure, or see where we have failed to deliver in a relationship. No matter what you find here, this is all the past; the object of the whole process of restart intimacy really is designed to have a fresh start.

The two pillars of this process are that the male should embrace male chastity and that both should be mindful of each other. Male chastity is the freely accepted practice where the man gives up the ability to pleasure himself, to masturbate and to play with his private parts, and he hands over the ultimate control of these parts to his partner, so she can decide when he is to be released and permitted to have an orgasm. This frequently leads to him wearing a chastity device to which his partner holds the key. The object of this is to allow the man to stop all previous behaviors, and to be in a position where he can start again. He is put into the position of the suitor who is courting a lady where he will have to wait until the time is right for full penetrative sex.

This has the effect of making him permanently aroused to see what he can do for his lady, and allows him to concentrate on her alone, and not be diverted by sexual images, pornography, or masturbation. This is the stop signal which energizes him to change. He can only do it and make use of it if he wants to change, but it is there to help him. He is not prevented from having sex, only the control of it is not in his hands. However if he reacts by becoming fully mindful of his partner, and growing the intimacy between them then he is so much more likely to find himself released for sex even more frequently than before he started on the process. The object is not to punish him but to direct him, as he voluntarily embraces male chastity in order to serve and please his partner and give her pleasure, which will lead to his pleasure in return.

For the woman in this situation it is important that she is mindful of his needs and desires, and does not use the male chastity to demean him, but rather to build up his responses to her to help him grow in intimacy. Once he discovers that there are so many ways to be intimate and to give and receive pleasure he will be energized to grow in the relationship as well.

All of this requires both partners to be mindful of each other. In the sections on being mindful I may have concentrated more on the position for the man and the changes he needs to accept to be mindful of his partner, but the same process applies to both. The exercises are designed to get both the man and the woman together, working together to develop the whole practice of mindfulness so that they can see each other as they are and listen and hear what the other is saying. This is not just concentrating on the words, but on the whole person and all the non verbal cues and information as well and the messages that the whole of their bodies are giving.

If both partners can move to a position of being mindful of each other, and communicating with the exercises they will be learning how to communicate as well at the same time outside the formalized exercise framework, which will help them grow into a closer relationship in every way.

In these blog posts I have included examples. They are all true, and taken from the lives of friends, acquaintances and those who have taken part in my course “Re-Introduction to Intimacy” or who have been coached by me and my colleagues in the past. I have used the fictitious names of “Michael and Mary” for the examples in order to remove personality and concentrate on what happens in real life with real people.

The later blog posts and part 3 of the book Restart Intimacy take specific situations and look at ways in which you can use them to increase intimacy. They look at areas in which traditionally the man will not have been expected to have skills and knowledge, but where simple things can demonstrate that he cares and is interested in living in such a way as may increase intimacy. Some of these are very simple things, where a little knowledge and preparation, or a little consideration and time may open the doors to greater intimacy.

Some of the activities and behaviors are so mundane, including taking out the trash, making sure that the man has cleaned his car, and allowing the woman to have control of the TV remote control, but they show that he is mindful of her and looking to care for her, to spoil her, and to consider her needs, desires, and aspirations, and to consider her as the full and complete person that she is.

Others are much more intimate, and include all sorts of bodily care, including massage and pedicure, washing her delicates, and giving her pleasure through oral sex. Some of these may be activities that have been tried before, but many may be new.

The whole process of considering them, talking about them, learning to do them, and the positive reinforcement that comes from praise when the simplest thing is done well and there is constant striving to do it all better for each other will draw the couple together.

I have put a lot of different ideas and options for increasing intimacy into this. Some will appeal to most people, and others will only have a few who want to use them, but it is the process of deciding together what you are going to try and then doing it which will draw the couple together.

So is it a restart or an introduction to intimacy. Because it incorporates the stop signal of the man embracing male chastity in order to allow him to change, and the aim is to start all over again in intimacy and its behaviors it is a true restart to intimacy.

For many couples looking to make intimacy as the core of so much of their mundane as well as intimate activity is new, so for them so much of what is proposed in part 3 of this book is a new thing. For them it is an introduction to intimacy in so many areas of their lives. They may have used the process to restart things, but they will now be introducing so much that is new to them into their lives.

It does not really matter how much is restarted, and how much is new; what matters is the process of growing closer together and changing the whole dynamic of the relationship. Some people can do this on their own without assistance, but others need assistance in helping them make the changes they need to try and it is for them that this book has been written.

Most of us realize at a deep level that we are out of our depth in any relationship, and so need help, so this realization that we are not ideal or behaving as well or effectively as we could that drives the changes.

For some people old habits can be changed easily. They are the sort of people who can realize they need to lose a stone (about 15 lbs.) in weight, and immediately do it, and keep the weight off. They are those who tell you how they decided to give up smoking and just did it and there were no problems at all. For most of us this is not the case and help is needed. We need to want to change old and bad habits; we know we want to, and we do really want to change. But it is all so hard, and so much to do we do not know where to start, and we fear we will fail and look like idiots and failures.

It is hard to accept that we need help, but it is there if we need it. Our partners want to help but cannot do so unless we ask for it. If they try to get us to change without us wanting to do so we feel aggrieved and persecuted. If we want to change and we ask for their help they will give it to us. But they may not know what to do.

The object of this process and these blog posts is to show that you can change, and there are ways to make it more likely. I know that it does work. I have seen the effects on couples over the years whom I have been able to help, or rather I have been there to help them help themselves. You can change and all I can do is to facilitate this, to be available for advice and assistance and to provide support. It is the couple who make the decision to try this approach.

It is the man who has the courage to decide to embrace male chastity for his partner when he has scarcely even thought about it before that makes things happen. It is the man who is prepared to change and to develop his skills in the most unlikely of areas who gains the prize of a relationship of great intensity, intimacy and pleasure.

It is the woman who really stands by her partner when he finds things tough and by her praise and support helps him to develop. Her work and support, and literally holding him by the hand is what drives the process forwards.

A couple who have the audacity to be prepared to change their ways, to learn and to develop intimacy in their relationship are bidding for a great prize for they can place intimacy at the core of everything they do they will grow together.

If they can persevere, and grow, and introduce one by one new opportunities for increasing intimacy, whilst being fully mindful of each other then they will have set the roots of their relationship very deep indeed. They will have restarted intimacy as a way of increasing intimacy, and pleasure for both of them, and they will have had a good time as well!

Although this can all seem very deep and daunting as a process it should also be fun and enjoyable. Increasing intimacy should give as many laughs as orgasms, probably many times more. If you take this process as both fun and serious together at the same time this will allow you to grow and enjoy yourselves and that is after all one of the objects of the process.

If you start with a man who does not know how to satisfy his partner or be intimate with her, outside of penetrative sex, and a woman who craves intimacy in all its forms restarting intimacy should lead to a man who now understands his partner’s needs, desires, and aspirations and is mindful of her, as she is of him. It should lead to a couple who live a life of deepening intimacy and closeness, and this will led to more pleasure and sex for the man as well. A woman satisfied with her life of intimacy will want more sex in all its forms, so both are winners and no one loses at all.

For those who wish help beyond the confines of these blog posts, I have the Restart Intimacy book and the Reintroduction to Intimacy course workbook, based on the material which I have used here, and which uses the form of exercises. Because so often there are queries and a need to talk to someone outside of the couple by both partners either together or individually, I offer contact and support and can put you in touch with those who can mentor or help with issues that come up when you try to restart intimacy in your relationship (contact the author, Sierra Parker, here).

For a limited time, the Restart Intimacy Kindle book is on sale for $3.99!

RESTART INTIMACY A Unique Approach to Male Chastity (Intimacy and Male Chastity)

Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Unique-Approach-Chastity/dp/1493696319/

Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Approach-Chastity-Intimacy-ebook/dp/B00GUDSXXC/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples: Part 1. Build the foundations making male chastity work for you
Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-foundations-chastity/dp/1494207109/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy:a Workbook for couples: Part 2: Learn the skills; Become Expert and Fulfilled
Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-couples-Fulfilled/dp/1494217155/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples (Re-Introduction to Intimacy A workbook for couples)
Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Couples-workbook-ebook/dp/B00H133E8E/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 1: Build the Foundations; making male chastity work for you
Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Foundations-chastity/dp/1494217562/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 2. Learn the skills : Become Expert and ready for Intimacy
Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Single-skills/dp/1494217759/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man (Re-Introduction for the single man)
Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Single-single-ebook/dp/B00H0VGHYK/

For lots of great intimate toys, click on this banner to the Restart Intimacy Store!

100 Personal Care and Service

Most women love to be spoiled and pampered, and so a man who can do things to pamper his partner is giving her pleasure and doing something useful as well.

Many women have tired and painful feet by the evening and would love to have some pampering when they get home. They could go to have a pedicure, or a foot massage professionally, but a man who can take the effort to learn what to do can provide this at home.

Here are some ideas:

• Wash and sponge her feet clean from the day (you may be allowed to kiss them)
• Learn how to massage her feet to relieve tension
• Learn how to give her a pedicure
• Learn how to paint her toenails the color she desires
• Be her footstool or sit so she can put her feet up on you on the couch
• Dry her after her bath or shower with fresh towels
• Help her undress or dress

These are only a few ideas but you can see from the type of things I have put here that there are so many ways in which you can give her a personal service and give her pleasure. Remember that if you give her pleasure, and she is relaxed she is much more likely to feel like sex. Of course if you have embraced the twin pillars of restarting intimacy of being mindful of your partner and all their needs, desires and aspirations, and the use of male chastity, you will be aware of ways to please her and she will wish to use her control of your parts to please you in return. Not your decision but hers of when you will be released, but pleasure for both is the aim.

The overall aim of your new life as you reintroduce intimacy into your lives is to make every action intimate, and to allow intimacy to occur in all areas of life, and this approach to personal care in pleasing your partner leads in this direction.

Remember

Before you attempt any of the above activities you do need to learn how to do them. This may mean you going with your partner to learn from a professional masseur or podiatrist how to massage feet or shoulders or to give a pedicure, learning from educational aids or books, but above all learning from your partner.

It is not just doing this sort of activity once that counts but it is doing it day after day, until you no longer have to concentrate on what you are doing and it becomes second nature. Not requiring her to nag you about what to do or when to do it that shows that you care makes it all fine and intimate between you.

Doing it only when you want something, or doing it badly or in a rush, or not listening and being mindful to her needs will be easy for her to see. Equally the fact that you are doing these things consistently day after day builds the total intimacy of your lives and shows each other that you care so much for the other person and their needs and desires.

Although all of the items in the above section are very intimate, there is really little difference in principle from providing these services to your partner and regularly taking out the trash and keeping all your stuff tidy. Both sorts of activity show the sort of person you are.

Exercise: Personal care

Read through this post or a chapter in the Restart Intimacy book and the Reintroduction to Intimacy course workbook together, sitting close together, and reading alternate paragraphs to each other. Now decide on one of the areas of personal care which you both want to explore. The man will need to ask the woman how she would like things done in this area, and any specific likes and dislikes. There is no use in making her a cup of tea if you do not know if she likes milk or sugar in it.

Now write it all down and agree it. The woman shows the man what to do and once he feels he understands he then does the task. He gives feedback on what he thinks he has done well, and what he could do better; she responds with her perceptions of the same. They then agree when and how it should happen, and whether it should happen without needing to be asked for, or only when requested.

Do you dare try chastity to increase your attentiveness to your partner and to increase intimacy between them?

There is more about chastity and its practicalities in both the Restart Intimacy book and the Reintroduction to Intimacy course workbook . Get a copy today and see how your lives can be changed.

For a limited time, the Restart Intimacy Kindle book is on sale for $3.99!

RESTART INTIMACY A Unique Approach to Male Chastity (Intimacy and Male Chastity)

Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Unique-Approach-Chastity/dp/1493696319/

Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Approach-Chastity-Intimacy-ebook/dp/B00GUDSXXC/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples: Part 1. Build the foundations making male chastity work for you

Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-foundations-chastity/dp/1494207109/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy:a Workbook for couples: Part 2: Learn the skills; Become Expert and Fulfilled

Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-couples-Fulfilled/dp/1494217155/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples (Re-Introduction to Intimacy A workbook for couples)

Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Couples-workbook-ebook/dp/B00H133E8E/

 

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 1: Build the Foundations; making male chastity work for you

Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Foundations-chastity/dp/1494217562/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 2. Learn the skills : Become Expert and ready for Intimacy

Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Single-skills/dp/1494217759/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man (Re-Introduction for the single man)

Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Single-single-ebook/dp/B00H0VGHYK/

For lots of great intimate toys, click on this banner to the Restart Intimacy Store!

99 Her Apparel and Things

One very intimate part of a woman’s clothing is those articles described as “delicates”, which are closest to her skin. If she is confident that her man knows what he is doing, she may be prepared for him to wash these items, dry them, and put them away tidily for her. This is something she usually does for her self, and is very personal for her. So if this is a space she allows him into then he really does need to learn what to do, for if he does it wrong and damages the items, then he may have to replace them at considerable cost.

She has shoes and boots that may need to be put away. If she goes outside they become dirty. When he cleans his own shoes, so that he can look clean and tidy for her, he can take the opportunity to clean her boots and shoes as well. Again he needs to have been shown what to do, so he uses the correct cleaner and does them as she would wish.

Her clothes and his have to be cleaned and often can dry hanging up in the bathroom. He can take them down when dry, fold them, putting his away, and leaving hers clean and neatly folded on the bed for her to decide where they go. Some men learn to iron and iron both their own shirts and those of their partner.

All of these items bring the couple close together, and cleaning your partner’s “delicates”, folding her cleaned clothes, or polishing her boots is a very close and intimate act. Done well it gives pleasure in a job well done, and great pleasure to the person for whom the service has been carried out. Done badly without consideration for the other, and in a sloppy manner and it produces rows, friction and strife, all because the man has not realized he needs assistance in knowing how she wants it done, and has not bothered to ask or to listen.

For all of these types of tasks the message, “Be Mindful”, is so important, never more than when you are doing something for each other and trying to do it to produce the maximum pleasure.

94 Other Places to Massage

Once you have learned to massage feet there are so many other areas of the body where massage can aid intimacy. Such close touching of each other can be very arousing and for a man who is locked in a chastity device being allowed to massage his partner is pleasure and torment at the same time. Of course if he pleases her it may be removed!

The legs

Legs are often sore and the muscles are stiff. Massage of the calves and lower thighs, starting from the ankles and working up the legs pushes swelling away from the ankles, and clears lymph. Kneading and stretching the muscles allows them to become relaxed and aches to fall away.

The shoulders

Shoulder muscles are kept tight with typing and using keyboards. The muscles tighten up when we are tense so the shoulders often ache at the end of a long day. The shoulder blades become stuck and stiff, and sudden movements of the shoulders or back lead to muscle tears and pain. Shoulder massage is more complex than feet and ankles, but there are many sources of information, and a good massage will be both intimate and effective.

Back and buttocks

You can massage the back, stretching and relaxing the muscles of the lower back and the buttocks, and as you get closer to the intimate areas any touch feels more intimate.

You need to be careful with what you do as you do not want to cause harm, so for back massage attending a course or being taught by a professional may be the best option.

The whole body

The feel of your lover’s skin as you anoint it with oil is so arousing, and the whole body massage allows you to touch and massage the back and shoulders, feet ankles and thighs and also the abdominal wall as well. Every touch will be felt by the other. Every attempt to push away tension and stress will make the occasion more intimate.

Intimate areas

Some of the areas of the body are full of nerve endings, and massage will give a massive sensory load to the person being massaged. Massage of the breasts, the buttocks, and the inner thighs, becomes ever more intimate, and if combined with kissing of the areas so treated allows pleasure to both partners and may if desired lead on to more sexual activity.

Obviously one important factor here is that there must be no touching or massage beyond what is agreed, and the man massaging his partner needs to remain fully mindful of her in every way as he does it.

For the man who is in male chastity, and cannot produce an erection or ejaculate without his partner unlocking him, any action that is intimate becomes arousing, but she still holds the advantage and the key. Massage can be a useful way to allow both partners pleasure in this situation, whilst keeping the man locked up dependent on his partner’s decision based on how well he performs the massage.

Important general messages of massage

Massage is a powerful way for one partner to serve the other, and to give pleasure to both, but it will only work if done properly, with adequate preparation and training.

Here as in so many areas of intimacy, both partners need to be mindful of the other, in what they see, hear, and feel. Most often the woman receives massage from the man, and teaches him how he can give her pleasure in the massage and how it can be effective. The man needs to be receptive to learn. He really does not know what he is doing, but he knows he can be trained to give pleasure in this way and that this will give him pleasure in return.

This is an area in which outside assistance can be of help but it is the couple working on it together who will grow the intimacy in their lives, and the man and woman restarting intimacy in their relationship can use the learning of massage as a model for the reintroduction to other areas of intimacy.

92 Massage and Intimacy

Massage has been practiced in the East for millennia, but was introduced into Western Europe and America through the work of Per Hendrik Ling, who studied in China and then introduced the practices of massage into the west. It is a very intimate way to be in touch with your partner, and to help her as well. It is a skill that can be learned, and you can take courses, and attend seminars where you will be shown what to do. For a man on his own, he can practice on his own hands and feet, and partially even on his own shoulders, and discover how to do it properly so it can be available for a future partner.

Massage works through touch on the skin, and deeper pressure and kneading of the muscles beneath the skin. We all tense up our muscles when we are tense, and with many hours sitting at a computer, it is common for all the shoulder and neck muscles to become tense and hard. When we are on our feet all day the feet become stressed, and the wearing of heels only makes this worse. As a result so many of us come home in the evening with tense and stiff muscles, tired and swollen are sore feet, and a feeling of being out of sorts. If this happens day after day the muscles may remain tense and then joints get more difficult to move because of the tense muscles and this makes everything worse and can lead to chronic paid and discomfort.

It is possible to reduce these problems through a variety of methods of which massage is only one. Feet that are sore and swollen from being stood on all day benefit from being raised up, to allow excess fluid to drain away with the aid of gravity. This is what is happening when we put our feet up to relax them.

Muscles that are tense relax in a bath of warm water, so soaking the feet, or having a hot bath to relax both help if you are dehydrated or have drunk an inadequate amount of water during the day then muscles will complain.

Athletes often receive massage immediately after a match or a run to reduce the risk of cramps which may damage their muscles, and often require more specific massage therapy to keep them active and help keep joints mobile. This is usually done by professionals who know what they are doing.

Many people, more often women than men, go to professional masseurs for help with specific problems of strain and stiff muscles. Massage can help. If you have a partner with stiff shoulders or sore feet after standing then learning to massage these areas and help relax them will be seen as something of great value.

Touching some one and massaging them is such an intimate act. Massage can also be applied to other areas than the shoulders or feet, and become ever more intimate. A massage that gradually covers the whole body can include the breasts, buttocks, and thighs, and stroking and massaging these areas is so intimate and can be so pleasurable when done as your partner wishes it that it may often go on to more intimacy and full sex as a result. Of course it may relax your partner so much that all they are able to do is to sleep, leaving the massaging partner awake and aroused.

As in anything intimate, the rules that should apply are clear:

• You only do it if she wants it
• You only massage where she wants to be massaged
• You do it how she wants it to be done
• If she wants you to stop or to keep to one area only that is what you do.

The act of massage starts by setting up the right environment, where the person to be massaged can be comfortable and relaxed. This means finding somewhere to do it that is convenient and comfortable for them. You might want to give them a massage on the couch but if they cannot get comfortable or worry about the massage oil or cream getting on the fabric covering the couch they will not be happy.

They may want soft lights, and relaxing music, and need the person doing massage to keep quiet whilst they are doing it, to make sure they are not disturbed. They may even want to wear a travel blindfold so they are in the dark to allow them to relax further. Aromatic candles and pleasant odours may enhance the experience further.

One thing that is certain is that the person doing the massage needs to be fully mindful of the person they are massaging. They need to watch them to look out for signs that the massage is causing discomfort. They need to listen to instructions of what to do and where to press and how hard. They need to feel the effects of what they are doing and watch out for pressing too hard, causing discomfort, or increase in tenseness of the muscles.

You need to learn what to do. You can learn from books, for there are many which have pictures of “how to do it”. There are DVDs and videos on “how to do it“ sites as well. If your partner is used to seeing someone professional they may take you along so you can be trained on how to do it, or there are evening classes, seminars, and even residential classes to teach the various forms of massage.

Some things are common to all forms of massage.

• Position the part to be massaged so it is relaxed with the subject undressed so that area is clear of all clothing, and other parts are covered to prevent them getting cold
• Make sure the environment is right for the subject
• Know what part you are going to massage
• Make sure the surface is clean and the skin is not broken or any infection
• Find out in advance what oil or cream your partner wishes used
• Wash your hands and make sure they are not cold, and you do not have any buttons, zips or other things on you which will catch on them. Make sure that your nails are cut short so they do not scratch
• Now apply some of the oil or cream to your hands and warm it by rubbing your hands together so it is not cold when applied to the skin of your subject
• Lightly touch the skin area to be massaged to apply the oil or cream and gently rub it into the skin

You are ready to begin. Once you have applied the material to the skin your hands will be able to slide over the surface and not stick, so you should lightly rub them over the whole area to be covered. Once this is done check that your partner is still comfortable with what you are doing. Now start to push against the skin deeper to massage the muscles. Always massage along the length of each muscle group, so that you stretch it and do not cause pain by going against the run of fibers. You should increase the pressure you apply to the muscles according to what your subject says and desires from you.

You can reduce swelling by this method, and it is particularly useful in massaging the feet and lower leg. Once you have relaxed the muscles with the massage you should then start to move the joints to free them up so they can move more easily. For this you move them passively so the subject allows them to move and keeps their muscles relaxed. This allows you to freely move the shoulder blades in shoulder massage, which otherwise get fixed in position by tense muscles or to freely move all the joints in the feet when you are massaging that area. When you do move a joint always make sure that you are supporting it ,so the subject does not have to move a muscle of their own, and your support removes the effects of gravity.

Once you have finished massaging an area to the satisfaction of your partner you may ask if there is anywhere else they would like massaged, and then you need to clear anything you have used away, and to wipe the skin clean and ask if they would like a drink or anything else they might want, which might include a rest or a bath.

This is only a very superficial description of how to massage, so it is vital to find out how to do it properly, both from your partner and from all the other sources as well. Being able to massage feet or shoulders can be so useful to your partner, and is very intimate in its own right that you may both find it a good way to increase intimacy in your relationship. If the man is the person who is giving the massage it may be a good idea for his partner to give him a massage of the area she wants massaging, and show him how she wants it done. The motivation for learning massage is to please your partner, so you need to take all opportunities to find out how she wants it done. You can always practice on your own feet and calves, so when you do it on another you do it right. Practice to do it right. Practice, practice, practice is the message, and check at every stage that you are doing what your partner wants you to do.

91 Massage

Once you have learned how your partner likes to be touched you can begin to learn how to give her a massage. Massage allows you to help her unwind after a busy day and to relax. If her feet are tired and she has been standing around in high heels they will become painful, swollen and stiff. If she has been on her feet all day then the same is true.

You have already been learning how to discover her needs and desires and how to deliver these to give her pleasure. You have learned how to do chores around the home and to treat your partner like the goddess she is. Now is the time to begin to learn how to give a massage. Shoulders get stiff from sitting at a keyboard. The back becomes tense, the feet are sore.

Massage allows all of these areas to be treated but you do need to learn what to do.

Many women have had massage treatments in the past and know what they want. They can train you to do what they need done. They can show you how to do it and know what oils and perfumes they prefer. This is a good opportunity to learn from your partner and learn to do things right for her.

You may be on your own but you can still take courses to learn massage. If you have a partner you can both go off to take instruction. I once took one of my clients with me when I went to have a massage from a professional masseuse so he could be shown what to do and how I wanted my feet massaged. Now he knows what to do and can give me and his partner massages when our feet are sore.

Learning a new skill can be fun and massage is useful and reduces stress and soreness. So learn to give your partner a massage or just learn how to do it so you might be able to make use of the skill in the future.

My book Restart Intimacy has a whole chapter on this subject and the course Reintroduction to Intimacy makes it part of one of the modules. Buy the book and enroll for the course to learn more.

But for massage skills there are many books, many types and many courses and professionals. If you want to learn for your partner you can do it, and she will be so pleased to get a foot massage when she gets home tired.

89 Music and Sounds for Listening

Silence and listening are vital to the health of a relationship but one area where there is often discordance between partners is the choices of music and sound they both like, and this can be an irritation and work against the development of increased intimacy. It is important to explore with your partner what music and sounds they like to hear, and never more than when you are sitting in the car. If one always plays one sort of music loudly that the other hates, they are not being mindful of their partner.

For the single man seeking a partner, pushing themselves forward and being pushy is bad, but so is assuming that everyone likes the same sort of music. As in so many things being mindful is the answer. See how your partner responds to your choices of music. Watch them and see if they are obviously enjoying the music.

Ask them about their favorite music and listen to it with them. Consider whether you both want the radio or television on in the background when you are eating or doing things. Find out what sorts of sounds and music work when you want to be intimate together, and which sorts enhance your experiences.

Talk about it, listen to your partner; take time to consider that their choices are at least as valid as your own.

One way to do this is to try an exercise where you each write down a list of your favorite music and a separate list of what you think is the favorite music, artists and tracks for your partner. Then you can sit down together and swap lists and use this as an opportunity to discover your partner’s real favorites and preferences. This may surprise you both.

Get this right and life becomes better and you move along the path of reintroduction to intimacy in your lives. Get it wrong, and belittle your partner’s choices, or worse laugh at them and you will be in trouble and showing that you are not mindful of her.

Consider this is yet another way to get close to each other, to share and to agree things, and whatever you decide will increase your intimacy and reduce the risk of playing music that will irritate your partner.

88 Intimacy Exercises: Listening and Sound

In previous blog posts I have concentrated on the importance of being mindful of your partner and really listening to them. Here you are using your whole concentration to understand what your partner is saying both in words and in their body language and non verbal cues as well.

Listening requires you to silence the chatter of your own brain, and to free yourself from all the other things you are thinking about and worrying about. You need to relax into a state where you can perceive what your partner is saying and to use all your senses. For you silence is what you need to listen fully so you know what is being said and remember it.

One way to improve in this is to carry out listening exercises which can be quite fun if carried out in a light hearted way, but not helpful at all if they become a reason to score you and score you down. They are there to help you learn to listen, not to show you are not listening, and as you do them you will learn to listen and this will be apparent to your partner.

One of the commonest complaints of women is that there is not enough intimacy in their relationship, but just as common is the complaint that there is no listening.

So learning to listen for the single man who is wishing to be part of a relationship puts him in the minority and most women or indeed anyone will be drawn to someone who actually listens to what they say.

Practicing listening is a good discipline for when there are important things to remember and it can be practiced and you can improve with practice. If you are on your own you can tape a bulletin on the news, but listen and try to memorize what is said. Then check it against your recording. If you have a partner you can have fun playing listening games. As with all exercises, it is not specifically what you do but why you are doing it that matters the most.

Exercise: Explore Silence

Explore the value of silence within your relationship.

Spend time next to each other, holding hands and not speaking.

See how it feels to do the housework together with both doing the work and cleaning each room as a pair not solo, having chosen the music you want to play whilst you are doing it.

Consider the need for silence as part of listening.

Commentary

If you take time to explore the value of silence in your relationship you will find that it can be very intimate.

Exercise: Listen and Learn

Get together and find somewhere quiet to sit.

The woman then gives the man a list of items from a shopping list to remember, going through them one by one and explaining each item is important. Then there is a 5 minute pause.

The man then repeats as much as he can remember back to his partner, and she checks against the written text she has used. This shows how much he has been listening and how mindful he has been.

Now: The man gives the woman details from a similar list, this time of a different sort, and explains why each item is important. After another pause she repeats this back and he checks against his list.

Commentary

You will find that neither partner will be that good at this exercise and both of you will forget things; the results will give a good laugh to both.

Both partners will now realize how important it is to listen to the other, and also to write things down, particularly for shopping lists. Confucius, the Chinese sage said:

“The weakest ink is always stronger than the strongest memory”.

The reason for doing this sort of exercise is not to improve the memory but more the value of concentrating when you are listening. This exercise of repeating back what is said to ensure accurate understanding is termed “back briefing” and is used to ensure that messages which are vital get properly understood. This is used when passing orders to the helmsman of a ship as to what course to take; they repeat it back then set the new course. Get it wrong and the ship goes the wrong way, possibly onto the rocks. For shopping lists for the man to go and do the shopping the process is similar, write it down and repeat it back and you will then not get into trouble for getting the wrong stuff.

86 Silence in our lives

So many of us spend too much of our lives talking and not enough listening, and this applies in our relationships as well. Here there is always the temptation to just keep on talking, even if we have nothing to say.

Many of the exercises I recommend for couples involve periods of silence. One starts by saying something, and the other stays silent and does not interrupt them. After they have spoken there is a period of silence for both to think of what has been said. This gives pauses in the process so that snap decisions or responses are avoided, and allows both partners time to think before they speak.

In many cases we live in a world where there is always sound in the background, of radio, music, or the television on in the corner of the room, and silence becomes ever more rare. But we need silence to think, and to listen to our partners and this needs to be internal silence as well as external. If we are thinking of something else when we are meant to be listening we may miss much of what is being said, and also miss any non verbal cues as well, and we will give the impression that we do not care that much about what the other is saying.

This can be disastrous for any relationship, so that the introduction of silence into our relationship is an important step in the reintroduction to intimacy.

This is part of being mindful, seeing your partner with your eyes, and being open to listen with your ears to what is being said. You need to be mindful all the time and to put yourself in a state where listening in silence becomes an active process.

For so many of us being placed in silence has only ever been used as a punishment, told to shut up, or made to be silent at school or at home. No good connotations at all. But for many Eastern and Western systems of meditation and religion silence is one of the keys to understanding.

In any relationship there needs to be silence whilst the one listens to the other, and is fully mindful of them, and periods of silence after they have spoken to consider what has been said and to prevent snap responses.

But it is also a valuable and very intimate experience to sit quietly with your partner just holding hands, not talking, not discussing, but just being together.

This is particularly good if done outside, where the one can lean back on the other, or rest their head on the other’s stomach, or they can just lie next to each other, and watch the clouds together.

You do not have to be always saying things to each other. Just sitting silently fully “with the other” can be an enriching experience and a way to enhance intimacy. The two of you with no music, no television, being yourselves fully. Just together for each other. No movement no sound just being together.

Equally you may find that both sitting in silence listening to music that is a favorite for both of you will feel very intimate.

One person reading excerpts from these blog posts or any book you both want to read, with each one reading a few pages, whilst the other sits in silence taking it all in, followed by the other reading a few pages, and the first one listening can be a good way to read together.

When you are together and talking the talk takes over; when you are silent together the other senses can come into play, so touch can be enhanced by silence or quiet music in the background to reduce outside noises, and you can decide when to be silent and when to listen or speak.

It is vital to keep silence positive, and not to use it as a form of withdrawal and an angry silence. In children we call this “sulking” and it is just as common in adults. In any relationship where one partner withdraws into silence they have severed links to communication, and shut themselves off. This is disrespectful of the other, and makes it difficult for them to communicate.

If this becomes a regular occurrence it is a sign that all is not well in the relationship. It is a dangerous behavior, which tends to produce withdrawal and silence in the other partner, and leads to a place where neither is communicating or talking to the other. Repeated regularly it is disastrous for the relationship and needs to be addressed to prevent other things going wrong. If this silence can be broken, normal communication can resume and things continue to grow.

83 Intimacy Exercise: Touch in Enhanced Environments

Touch is one of the senses, and so often we are concentrating on the sights and sounds that come to us that we may fail to notice a touch. When you are mindful of your partner you need to allow the whole range of senses to be involved. You need to see your partner as she is, and to listen to what she is saying. To get the most out of touch you may want to get the environment right for each other, and also to consider how you can enhance the experience.

If some of the other senses are enhanced, with soft lighting, warmth, pleasant perfumes, or quiet relaxing sounds this may enhance things. Alternatively if the other senses are dulled so that there is no outside stimulus, with a blindfold or earplugs the sense of touch may be enhanced and so everything feels so much more intense.

Get the environment right

If it is too cold or too hot it may not give the greatest pleasure.

If there is pleasant music in the background that relaxes you both then you can relax into the experience.

Candlelight may spread a warm and comforting light which is not too bright. If your candles are perfumed then the smell may enhance the way you both feel.

Make sure that both of you can be comfortable in the positions you take; if one is in an awkward position or the other gets a cramp this may spoil the pleasure.

Consider reducing outside sensory stimuli

Try touching your partner, or being touched by her with the person touched wearing a blindfold.

Try the effect of lying quietly in the dark wearing earplugs so that touch becomes the predominant sense,

Play with different things and textures to do the touching

Ice touching the skin can have an effect like getting a mild electric shock, especially if unexpected.

Touch with your softest skin of the finger tips, or with rougher skin from the side of the arm.

Touch with a feather or a silken cloth.

Touch with a hairbrush or an “animal grooming pad”.

Touch with something that vibrates and buzzes using a vibrator or even an electric toothbrush.

Even if you are touching the skin of the back or those parts which are not particularly sensitive in these ways the touch will be enhanced, and you will feel more. It is not the area touched, or the way that it is done , or the enhancements that are used that matter the most. It is the fact that touch is a very subtle and powerful way to communicate between partners, a series of signals that have built up between them over the whole of their relationship, and that the communications and discussion between them designed to find out how to please the other, and then used and practiced to enable the one to demonstrate their care and their desire to give the other pleasure are what increases intimacy the most.

It is not the area touched, or the way it is done, but that both want to do it, and both are gaining from it that counts and draws them together in a shared experience. The intimacy comes not from touching an intimate area, but from intimately touching any area in an intimate way which is pleasing to the person so touched.

Exercise: Touch Experiments

Spend time on your own thinking of how touch can be pleasant to yourself, and appears to be pleasant to your partner. Write this down in your intimacy journal to act as a memory aid.

Now sit quietly together touching each other, and holding hands and discuss some of the ways in which you an improve the experiences you both have. This does not mean that things have been bad before in your experience but you are now looking at the factors highlighted above and seeing how you can make use of them to make things even better for both of you.

Decide one or more ways to experiment in improving the experience of touch.

It might be something very mundane, as with the woman being given a soft nightgown to wear in bed, which will feel good on her skin and on the skin of her partner cuddling up against her

It might be something such as the use of a blindfold to restrict vision and enhance touch that neither has tried before.

Once you have agreed what you are going to try, give it a go. Try it, and if it works try it again, and make it part of your repertoire of touch and pleasure for both.

Commentary

The object of this exercise and the other exercises on touch is to get both partners to talk about it, to discuss how to make things better and to try out things which may be new and might work for the couple.