57 What comes next?

If you are really serious about changing your life to allow you to restart intimacy using the approach I recommend, you will need to use the structures and exercises given in the  Restart Intimacy book and the Reintroduction to Intimacy course.

These are there to help you develop the foundations on which to build your new life together. In the second half of the book and in the second volume of the course, there are examples of how you can build intimacy at the core of your life with your partner.

In the next part of this course I have provided notes and hints on some practical ways in which both partners in a relationship can prepare themselves for each other, ways through which they can give pleasure to each other, and ways in which they can gain pleasure together.

These are accompanied by some suggestions for ways in which these can be made possible, and exercises which you can use to help in discussions of intimate activities which otherwise you might find some problems in expressing.

All of these assume that you may already be using the approach of male chastity, which frees the imagination of both to consider new ways to please the other, and where the man in his chastity needs pleasure and benefits even if he remains locked up and cannot reach an orgasm as before.

All of them assume that you are aware of all that I have written on the subject of mindfulness in this section and build upon its use to draw the two together.

Some require more time, training, and skill, but all have proved possible and given pleasure to my clients and friends.

The overall aim of any relationship is to progress to deeper knowledge at all levels for the one of their partner, and deeper and more fulfilling pleasure and intimacy at all levels.

This is also the aim of these posts and of my life as a coach for individuals and couples.

There will be forthcoming posts which will look at intimacy in all areas of life and how to make everything an opportunity for intimacy .

“It is all so much fun” as one of my clients said recently, describing how he and his partner had made changes to the way they did things, from simple changes in the division of tasks in the home, and a man who was now so engaged with the needs of his partner and in spoiling her, giving her flowers, foot massage and doing things for her, and a woman who was basking in his attention and care. Now sex was better than it had ever been in over 30 years of marriage.

“Why did we not do this sort of thing before? Only because never knew it could be done, or thought it could be so good in so many, many ways.”

Buy the books NOW!

restartRESTART INTIMACY A Unique Approach to Male Chastity (Intimacy and Male Chastity)

Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Unique-Approach-Chastity/dp/1493696319/

Kindlehttp://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Approach-Chastity-Intimacy-ebook/dp/B00GUDSXXC/

wb1Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples: Part 1. Build the foundations making male chastity work for you

Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-foundations-chastity/dp/1494207109/

wb2Re-Introduction to Intimacy:a Workbook for couples: Part 2: Learn the skills; Become Expert and Fulfilled

Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-couples-Fulfilled/dp/1494217155/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples (Re-Introduction to Intimacy A workbook for couples)

Kindlehttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Couples-workbook-ebook/dp/B00H133E8E/

 

swb1Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 1: Build the Foundations; making male chastity work for you

Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Foundations-chastity/dp/1494217562/

swb2Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 2. Learn the skills : Become Expert and ready for Intimacy

Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Single-skills/dp/1494217759/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man (Re-Introduction for the single man)

Kindlehttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Single-single-ebook/dp/B00H0VGHYK/

The Restart Intimacy Store

For lots of great intimate toys, click on this banner to the Restart Intimacy Store!

56 What if you have only read these posts and not taken part in the exercises or considered male chastity?

No problem!

If you have read these posts with an open mind you may now be minded to go back to the beginning (1 Restart Intimacy) and to look again at the process and the exercises. There are lots of ways to improve intimacy and deepen relationships and this is only one of them and it might not fit you or your partner. Before you reject the process however, I would urge you to see whether any of the parts of the process described above can be used in your lives.

If you can be open to each other, and share your deepest thoughts, you will develop a deep intimate relationship. My only reason for advocating this process and method is that I know it works, from experience and from my work with The Institute for Female Led Male Management which I founded. The course that was developed first and which has led to this book has changed lives and for the better.

What if a man is not be prepared to give the gift of male chastity to his partner?

This does not mean that the practice of mindfulness has any less relevance. The only difference is that the man will not be in such a sexually and psychically aroused state, and may find it more difficult to agree to start the process of using the type of exercises I have suggested. This does not mean that a couple who do not use male chastity cannot progress their intimacy and relationship. It is only an aid, but one I have found extremely useful. If a man is prepared to cede control of his most precious parts to his partner he is giving a clear signal he is up for change and often that is half the battle.

If you want to change it is always possible to do so. If you really want to bring intimacy into the core of your life you can do it.

Male chastity helps but it is possible to develop without it; only there is not quite the same imperative to change as you get if your partner controls your release from chastity and you need to change before it happens.

55 Dare to put it together

By the time you reach this stage in this series of posts, you will have identified factors that help and which hinder the development of intimacy. This will have allowed you to look at yourself and to see where things might have been done better in the past, and areas for improvement in the future.

You will ideally have identified that you do want to change, and that you need to do so. As a couple this has the potential to change the way you behave, and allow you both to develop a deep and intimate relationship.

In several of the posts I described the process of embracing “male chastity” to allow this change to occur. The whole idea of the approach is for the man to voluntarily renounce control over his most private parts, and to place himself into the hands and under the control of his partner. This is an exercise in trust and shows that he is serious about change and prepared to do almost anything to get there.

As he enters the condition of male chastity he is not seeking to stop all sex or sexual expression rather to curtail his options so he can concentrate on his partner, and his handing over this control is a massive vote of confidence in her. If he did not believe that she has his best interests and pleasure at heart he would not do this.

He will experience the shock of the change, which brings a stop to all personal masturbation and playing with himself. Now he is dependent upon his partner to allow him release. This causes arousal, and desire, and keeps him on his toes to please his partner, and to make sure she has pleasure so he will receive the same from her. It is an exchange of power with the woman becoming empowered by this action which may allow her to see him in a new light.

Male chastity on its own is limited in effect, though the changes in attitude and behavior for the man may be significant. More important is that he becomes fully mindful of his partner, and that she becomes mindful of him in like manner.

Being mindful is a process and an approach which means that both partners become able to be themselves and to have the courage to discuss issues they may never have been able to do before. It is a living in the present, alert, and focused on the other, not a narrow focus, but open to everything about them.

All the chapters in the book and sections in the course are full of exercises for the couple to do together, and to use to aid their discussions and the process of becoming open to each other, in a way which is not threatening but cooperative and enables them to change and develop.

If you have a partner who sees you as you are, and with whom you can be open and with whom whatever you say will be accepted and not lead to rejection this is so powerful. It makes both of the individuals able to communicate and to develop a deep and intimate relationship between them.

This is a deep psychological and mental bond which allows them to become closer and closer to each other. It allows them to be intimate and sharing, and this gives them strength together.

The process of being mindful looks at the whole person, using all of the senses, and concentrates on reality not fantasy. This is all to do with the real world, real pleasures and problems and working together to make things better.

Everyone has a need to be accepted, and to know that they will not be rejected whatever they say. Everyone has needs, whether simple physical needs or more complex psychological needs.

Everyone has desires and aspirations, and all of these levels of being need to be considered to be part of the whole picture.

When I am mindful of something I look at the whole picture as well as the detail.

When I am mindful of someone I see them in their full glory, a person to listen to and to care for, and the need to consider their needs, desires and aspirations.

By practicing mindfulness with your partner you are opening the doors to a deeper and more satisfying relationship.

Because this is combined with the tremendous gift of male chastity given by the man to the woman, and the increased importance of everything about the woman to the man, just as in the time of courtship, this allow the woman the freedom and power to express herself and to be open about her needs to her partner. She already knows that one of his major needs now he has been locked away is for release, and she both controls this and is able to give this as her gift to him.

The combination of the STOP signal of male in chastity, and the GO signal of her response to him takes them both forward to pleasure and sharing. The practice of mindfulness and the use of the exercises help this and to help to draw both of them together for this journey.

54 What have you done so far?

If you have been reading these posts in order, you will have gained an idea of what re-introducing intimacy may involve for you.

Are you someone who just reads stuff and then does nothing? In that case, you will have found some fascinating ideas about being mindful to your partner, noticing the world around you, and some ideas on the use of male chastity to increase focus and help someone change.

Are you someone who really wants to change yourself and to make your relationships more intimate, or even just to learn how to go about finding and keeping intimate relationships?

If this is you, these posts are not enough. You need more information on what is involved and how to act to change. This is where the  Restart Intimacy book  comes in and the Reintroduction to Intimacy course.

These posts are here to give you a flavor and to introduce the ideas that are expounded more fully in the book and the course.

Even with the posts, there are exercises you can try which may tell you more than you had expected about you and your relationship with your partner and lead you both further into embracing intimacy.

Now is the time to decide that you want to move forward! You are not on your own. Your partner can help, and whether you have a partner or not, there is outside assistance which can help you get started and assist when there are issues along the way.

Sierra Parker who is the author of the book and the inventor of the course can put you in touch with people who can help you (click here to send email to Sierra Parker).

Now is the time to be brave and move forward!

restartRESTART INTIMACY A Unique Approach to Male Chastity (Intimacy and Male Chastity)

Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Unique-Approach-Chastity/dp/1493696319/

Kindlehttp://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Approach-Chastity-Intimacy-ebook/dp/B00GUDSXXC/

wb1Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples: Part 1. Build the foundations making male chastity work for you

Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-foundations-chastity/dp/1494207109/

wb2Re-Introduction to Intimacy:a Workbook for couples: Part 2: Learn the skills; Become Expert and Fulfilled

Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-couples-Fulfilled/dp/1494217155/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples (Re-Introduction to Intimacy A workbook for couples)

Kindlehttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Couples-workbook-ebook/dp/B00H133E8E/

 

swb1Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 1: Build the Foundations; making male chastity work for you

Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Foundations-chastity/dp/1494217562/

swb2Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 2. Learn the skills : Become Expert and ready for Intimacy

Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Single-skills/dp/1494217759/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man (Re-Introduction for the single man)

Kindlehttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Single-single-ebook/dp/B00H0VGHYK/

The Restart Intimacy Store

For lots of great intimate toys, click on this banner to the Restart Intimacy Store!

53 How can you demonstrate that you are being mindful?

If you have been using the exercises in this blog, you will have been making use of the concept of mindfulness as you go along, and both of you will already know that mindfulness works for you and has already made change possible and enhanced the intimacy and depth of your relationship. Here are some simple ways in which you can enhance this, and which you need to consider as a discipline that will work for you.

Show her you have listened and heard what she has said

  • If she has moaned that the trash needs to go out, just get on and do it
  • If she is unhappy about doing all the housework whilst you laze about, do your share
  • If she has a suggestion you both like, take her up on it

Show her you care for her

  • Listen when she is speaking
  • Make sure you find out how her day has been when you get in before telling of your own
  • Bring her flowers
  • Find opportunity to spoil her
  • Do little things but often, not just birthdays and Valentine’s day
  • Give her a cuddle and hold her hand because you value her and you mean it

Show her you will do what you say you will do

  • If you say you will do something do it, and continue doing it every day, not needing nagging to remind you
  • If you say you will clear out the garage, work out when you can do it and then do it properly
  • If you say you will get take out food or take her out to dinner, do not forget it

Show her that you are changing

  • Make the changes you both agree

Show her you are prepared for change

  • Agree at least something to change what you even if it is only taking out the trash or leaving your stuff tidy.
  • Agree changes that you can do.
  • Realize that she will be so pleased to see you show you are serious about this

You can change and the practice of mindfulness in the context of a restart to intimacy or reintroduction to intimacy means that you have reset the clock on your relationship to allow you to start again form the beginning.

These examples and exercises are all taken from the  Restart Intimacy book or the Reintroduction to Intimacy course by Sierra Parker.

If you are really serious about wanting to change you will need to buy the book and study it. You will need a supervisor who can be your partner for when you introduce male chastity into the relationship. When you agree changes at home and in the way you behave your supervisor will agree to these with you and hold you to them. That is why male chastity works so well as a motivator and an aid in this process as it raises the cost of failure too high to consider and keeps the man up to the mark and focused.

Even here there is often need for outside help and Sierra Parker can put you in touch with someone who is experienced in the use of these methods and this process who can help a couple and assist them  (click here to send email to Sierra Parker).

If you are on your own then an external supervisor is essential as otherwise you will not be able to move forward and are at risk of shying away from difficult issues even when you know you need to change. Sierra Parker can help here and has a group of trained external supervisors who can act as key holder for chastity as well.

Do you have the nerve to try to change; this system works to make it possible!

52 There are always risks when you open yourself to another

I cannot say that there are no risks to this process. It is designed to enhance intimacy and closeness, but it can raise issues which are difficult to handle. The whole process of a restart of intimacy requires both partners to want to change, and to be prepared to make changes.

All of the factors that both enhance and limit intimacy are important, but a fear of rejection and failure and a lack of experience with successful deep intimate relationships in the past, can act as a bar to progress.

The whole process of restarting to intimacy starts with both partners accepting themselves and their need for change as individuals, and then working together to make this happen. This needs them to be themselves, to be open and vulnerable to each other, to be prepared, and to be prepared for the discipline of change and to make it fixed in behavior.

None of this is easy but it can be done, and a man who has embraced voluntary male chastity has demonstrated that he wants to change and will change.

Courage is needed to start, but a couple where the pair has decided to make the jump into the restart of intimacy approach have already demonstrated that they have courage.

If either is disengaged it will not work, and this is a worse situation than where there are active issues and problems but a desire to engage with each other.

  • Have courage
  • Be prepared that everything may not work out perfect first time
  • Be prepared for setbacks on the way
  • Be prepared to be open to each other and to concentrate on the other
  • Be cheered by the successes along the way
  • Know that this is a process and a journey and that a journey takes time and takes work
  • Remember that the goal is for deeper intimacy and pleasure for both
  • Keep your eye on the goal
  • Be always mindful of the other, use all visual clues listen, explore together, and be ever mindful of the other.

 

Mindfulness refers to a psychological quality that:

  • involves bringing one’s complete attention to the present experience on a moment-to-moment basis,
  • or involves paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and non judgmentally,
  • or involves a kind of present-centered awareness in which each thought, feeling, or sensation that arises is acknowledged and accepted as it is.

So be mindful the one of the other and you will succeed because you will work to make sure it is so. By being mindful of each other you will grow in intimacy and have fun as well.

51 Be prepared to be surprised

If you go into these exercises open minded, and allow yourself to see your partner as they are, to listen to them and to open up to them in a place and time that are “safe” with a process that allows both of you to have your say and to discuss all sorts of things, some mundane, and some very intimate indeed you will grow together as you do it.

The effect will be to grow intimacy at a mental and personal level, even if the physical elements of intimacy may be very simple. But the intimacy of sitting quietly with your partner, with time and opportunity to talk and share, sitting close and holding hands, is a very intimate experience indeed. Success here will increase intimacy in all other areas including the physical expressions of it.

That is why the practice of mindfulness is the key component in the process of a restart of intimacy as it sets the physical and mental environment to allow both partners to enjoy deep levels of physical intimacy as well.

As so often the complaint is that there is not enough intimacy in a relationship, and this does not mean just sex, but the whole sharing and discussing elements as well, getting the right non-physical environment means that the physical can flourish as well.

One issue that is important is that if you are prepared to be open and vulnerable and to share with each other there will be surprises. There may be things that man is doing or not doing that are intensely irritating to his partner. She may also feel that she was unaware of how much he craved physical attention and support.

All sorts of things will come out of these discussions, and some of them will expose problems, and others areas where the other was not even aware of an issue.

The reason for putting pauses into the discussions, and even longer pauses for reflection before decisions are made is to give a structure to allow the other to grasp what is being said, and to learn not to give an instant reaction.

Even a very positive instant reaction is a shock, if it is not expected. Much more so if something new or not realized comes into view. First thoughts are good, but often second thoughts after reflection are better, and also allow time to think out how to sort out any issues in a concrete way.

Time allows response which is more likely to be useful rather than lead to conflict and if used as a system or approach to areas of problems or difficulty means that the other person does not think the issue is being ducked or disregarded, only that there is reflection and there will be a response after a period set by the exercise.

This means that the person initiating the discussion can know that they are safe, and they will not be rejected or attacked for what they may say, and that reduces the temperature of the exchange and allows better progress.

Despite all of that, both partners are going to get some surprises, some nice, and some not so nice, which is why the positive needs to be emphasized first, saying first what is good before what needs improvement.

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