122 Restart Intimacy – You Can Have a Better Life

My aim in writing my book Restart Intimacy was to introduce the whole idea and practice of restarting intimacy to a wider audience so that more people can discover for themselves how to make a relationship better than it is already.

I know the approach works, for I have seen it work with individuals and couples, but I also know that it does not work for everyone. No single approach works for everybody so this is not surprising. But for those who wish to take on the adventure and will be prepared to put in the effort and to work through the difficult times the future can be bright and intimate.

My advice to anyone who has clicked onto these blog posts is to get the book so you can see the whole picture of how to restart intimacy in your life. Talk about it with your partner, share together what I have written and give it a try. If you want advice or help, or simply someone to talk to about it, I and my colleagues are available as are other coaches and advisors to help you realize the total potential of your relationship.

I think you will find that once you embark on this adventure there will be no turning back, no half measures and you will change yourself, your partner and the way you live and love together for the better and for the enjoyment of both.

So do you dare accept that things are not perfect in your life?

Do you have the guts to change?

Do you really want to put intimacy at the center of your relationship?

Do you care for your partner enough to be lead by Her?

Are you prepared to make changes in the way you live and to learn new skills?

If the answers to these questions is Yes then you need to get my book, enroll in the “Re-Introduction to Intimacy” course, and start on the process of change!

You can do it!

If you need help and a mentor or external supervisor I can help put you in touch with someone who will be able to help you (contact the author, Sierra Parker, here).

This external help can be useful for couples and is really needed for men who seek a relationship but do not have a partner.

Buy the book Restart Intimacy!

Enroll in the Re-Introduction to Intimacy course!

Get your skates on and change NOW!

restartRESTART INTIMACY A Unique Approach to Male Chastity (Intimacy and Male Chastity)

Kindle: RESTART INTIMACY A Unique Approach to Male Chastity: Let’s Get Started!! (Intimacy and Male Chastity)

http://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Approach-Chastity-Intimacy-ebook/dp/B00GUDSXXC/

Paperback: RESTART INTIMACY A Unique Approach to Male Chastity: Let’s Get Started!! (Intimacy and Male Chastity)

http://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Unique-Approach-Chastity/dp/1493696319/

wb1Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples: Part 1. Build the foundations making male chastity work for you

Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-foundations-chastity/dp/1494207109/

wb2Re-Introduction to Intimacy:a Workbook for couples: Part 2: Learn the skills; Become Expert and Fulfilled

Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-couples-Fulfilled/dp/1494217155/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples (Re-Introduction to Intimacy A workbook for couples)

Kindlehttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Couples-workbook-ebook/dp/B00H133E8E/

swb1Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 1: Build the Foundations; making male chastity work for you

Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Foundations-chastity/dp/1494217562/

swb2Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 2. Learn the skills : Become Expert and ready for Intimacy

Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Single-skills/dp/1494217759/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man (Re-Introduction for the single man)

Kindlehttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Single-single-ebook/dp/B00H0VGHYK/

The Restart Intimacy Store

For lots of great intimate toys, click on this banner to the Restart Intimacy Store!

121 What happens when you take the risk of change? A real life example

Michael and Mary had been married for 10 years. They had courted for 6 months before the marriage, but both came from “old fashioned backgrounds” and had little sexual experience and there was no sex before marriage. Seems odd but it still happens sometimes. That was the way they had been brought up!

Now things had gone stale. When they married Michael always wanted sex, and was so attentive, flowers, meals out, anything to please. Now after two children, Mary always seemed tired. Both worked but Michael brought in most of the money. Mary did all the housework.

They wanted to change things as they had started to have arguments about silly things, and found themselves saying wounding things about each other, then withdrawing into a hurt silence more like a sulk than anything else. They were introduced to me through a friend, just as I was developing the Reintroduction to Intimacy course, and putting together the information to write my books. For me they agreed to become one of my early “guinea pig“ experiments on restarting intimacy in a relationship.

Once I got to know them it all poured out, dissatisfaction by Mary that Michael did not pull his weight at home, and she was not getting the intimacy and support she wanted and needed. He realized her issues, but for him it was that she did not often want sex because she was too tired and he felt rejected. She had not realized that he was masturbating whilst looking at porn on the computer most nights. He needed to stop, and he realized this as well.

It was difficult to persuade Michael to stop and embrace male chastity, but he cared for Mary and she thought it might help after we had all discussed it, and I had had chats with them both separately. So they decided to give it a go.

It was a difficult start for both of them. He wanted to try “male chastity” on his terms, no kit, but it did not work out as he could not do it. But even that meant that he became more attentive to Mary and her needs and she could see it. Both felt that things were slightly better but not what they wanted. I persuaded them to try the “restart” approach.

They tried again, this time with a CB6000 bought off Amazon. This time it clicked, not at first as there were teething troubles, but it seemed to be possible. Michael was really up for it this time. He said that being locked away and seeing the key hanging around Mary’s neck made him so aroused and kept him on edge all the time.

The crux came one week after Michael was away at a conference for work. He was locked up with the key at home twenty miles away. But they had time for late evening talk and they chatted each evening and he found himself thinking of her all the time. He was partially aroused day and night by the thought of Mary there at home, and the touch of the CB6000 made him feel that there was something there all the time. This time he was away there was no possibility of masturbating to porn on the hotel television.

Now his behaviour started to change. She held the reins and she liked it. She had started to wear the “key to his heart” around her neck. He became ever more attentive to her as he knew this was the only way he was going to get release. He had agreed it,  he wanted it to work, and was prepared to do whatever it took. He became so engaged in the project where he might have had second thoughts before.

They talked every night, when he was away but also now every evening at home as well and they began to work out what they wanted to change in the way they were living together.

She wanted more help at home, more intimacy (not sex) and more listening to her needs. All of this was work and change for him to do.

He wanted more positive feedback when he did things right, more chance to be together touching and possibly more sex if she wanted it, and fewer arguments between them. This was stuff for her to do as well as him.

What did they do?

He calls before coming home to see if there is anything she needs to be picked up from the shops. He greets her with a kiss when he gets home and asks about her day first before he tells her about his problems at work. He clears the table after supper and does the washing up after she has cooked.

So what about intimacy between them?

They take time to talk and discuss things so there are fewer arguments. They set aside time after the children are in bed for them to be together. Whilst she puts the children to bed he tidies the rooms. Then they sit quietly together touching and cuddling. He cuddles up to her in bed and gives her a kiss before he gets up in the morning. He checks before he leaves the house if there is anything he should do before coming home. He buys her flowers. He does his share of the chores.

Now he has become much more attentive and realized that he needs to do his share of work around the home, particularly at weekends, so his wife is less tired. They split the work at weekends so they get it done faster, and then have energy for each other.

They take opportunities to go out together, and occasionally have time in the afternoon when the children are out with friends or even away overnight for a sleepover.

Does he get more sex or less?

Now he is released from the chastity device at least once a week, and this is because his wife wants sex and is less tired. Previously sex had almost stopped and become something less than once a month, but with more time for cuddles, more time touching each other, and for Mary the chance to tease him when he is in the chastity as well, everything is more tactile, as they touch each other so many times a day, and use it to show they care and keep close.

Is he pussy whipped?

No. He has freely given Mary the gift of his male chastity and the key. He does so much more because he wants to do it, and he can see the effect of his sharing in the work at home has had on Mary. Before he was not pulling his weight; now they are doing it all together and it draws them closer.

Commentary

This is a real case and not made up. These things really happened as I have described. It was all slightly embarrassing for me as I did not expect such massive changes to occur. I was fascinated to see the changes and they both talked to me of how they were feeling. I could see through their eyes how they had truly restarted intimacy into their lives. Even their friends noticed that things were different, and asked what was happening, but they did not want to tell anyone, and Michael was never going to let on that he wore a chastity device for his wife and she held the key. I was surprised how much effort they both put into it, and both have separately told me how much they have got out of it as well

No matter; it all happened because at the core of it they had a good and stable marriage, just with issues on top which obscured their love for each other. Both wanted it better and wanted to try. They worked out the details for themselves with their own experience. I only helped them to be focused on what they were going to try to do and gave hints on how they could be more mindful of each other. Their desire to change and to improve things made it possible for them to embrace change, and to change the way they were living.

Now several years later is it still the same. Yes, surprising, but they are now still in love with each other as much as before and always seeking to please and support each other. Michael still wears his chastity when he goes out to work, or is away, and sometimes they both decide to have him in chastity for longer periods as well. He knows he is valued, and although the chastity may irritate and restrict him he knows at the depth of his being that he is chaste because he wants to be and he wants to give all his love and effort to pleasing Mary.

Can it go on forever like this?

I do not know, but the individuals who I have given these names in this example want it to do so, as they are having so much fun and are so close to each other.

120 Intimacy in Your Relationships — The Adventure Continues

If you have read these blog posts from the beginning (and I would urge you to do so), you will now be aware of the process of restarting intimacy which I support, and which I have used for some time now to help couples who want to increase intimacy in a stale but otherwise OK relationship, and to assist men who are seeking an intimate and satisfying relationship to prepare themselves for this and to learn the skills of mindfulness and those practical skills which will be useful with potential partners.

The restart process suggests the need for change in established relationships, and particularly that both partners should want change. I have shown how so often the problems that beset relationships come from neither side fully understanding the other, neither realizing the needs, desires, and aspirations of the other.

It is clear that many men have learned behaviors that do not help, and may be dependent upon masturbation and the use of pornographic images. Most women do not realize how limited the understanding is of the men who are trying to please them, and that these men do have major learning needs which can be addressed.

By the use of a “fresh start” helped by using male chastity, and with the desire of both partners to communicate and express their needs and desires, and to help each other together to move forward much can be achieved. As in everything in life this all depends on how much effort you put into it, and certainly a man who is locked up in male chastity will put in an enormous amount of effort to please his partner, just as a result of his arousal and frustration.

Although these blog posts provide information which may be useful in leading to increased intimacy, the exercises are the most potent tool to achieve this. Working together doing the exercises draws a couple together, makes them take time to communicate, and allows them space to learn from each other and to plan how to bring in change.

I have incorporated a wide range of information into the text, particularly in the third part of the book, and this is all designed to give a range of options that can be considered when looking at how to bring intimacy into the center of life and of the relationship. There is no need to try everything in the text, but it is always useful to think widely before deciding on a specific area to introduce into your lives. You make the decisions and then act; you will get the gain and the pleasure.

Entering the adventure of a restart of intimacy is a gamble, for you can never know where it might lead, or how it might work out. If you keep yourself closed up you will never experience anything new, but if you are open with each other some things may not work out well, and others be wonderful. It is the bond that holds you both together that allows you to weather the storms when things go wrong, or do not work out as you might wish. It is the fact that you have already built a strong relationship which allows you to reach out to each other and to make it even better.

The beginning of these posts can be found at http://sierraparker.wordpress.com/2014/05/18/1-restart-intimacy-2/

For a limited time, the Restart Intimacy Kindle book is on sale for $3.99!

restartRESTART INTIMACY A Unique Approach to Male Chastity (Intimacy and Male Chastity)

Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Unique-Approach-Chastity/dp/1493696319/

Kindlehttp://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Approach-Chastity-Intimacy-ebook/dp/B00GUDSXXC/

wb1

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples: Part 1. Build the foundations making male chastity work for you
Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-foundations-chastity/dp/1494207109/

wb2

Re-Introduction to Intimacy:a Workbook for couples: Part 2: Learn the skills; Become Expert and Fulfilled
Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-couples-Fulfilled/dp/1494217155/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples (Re-Introduction to Intimacy A workbook for couples)
Kindlehttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Couples-workbook-ebook/dp/B00H133E8E/

swb1

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 1: Build the Foundations; making male chastity work for you
Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Foundations-chastity/dp/1494217562/

swb2

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 2. Learn the skills : Become Expert and ready for Intimacy
Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Single-skills/dp/1494217759/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man (Re-Introduction for the single man)
Kindlehttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Single-single-ebook/dp/B00H0VGHYK/

The Restart Intimacy Store

For lots of great intimate toys, click on this banner to the Restart Intimacy Store!

119 Preparation for Intimacy for the Single Man

Restart yourself to prepare to find intimacy

In these blog posts I have attempted to show a way in which intimacy can be increased in a relationship, and a change can be made to an intimacy focused life. Many men complain of not having enough sex with their partners, and the partners complain of there being inadequate intimacy in their relationship.

Some of this is due to previous experiences which have lead to behaviors which do not support intimacy in the relationship. For the man this is most often a reliance on media stereotypes of what they think they should be doing and how sex should be for themselves with a concentration on ejaculation and orgasm for them. Frequent masturbation and reliance on pornography may have fixed these behaviors in place and reduced the chances of the man showing intimacy in other ways.

Many men truly have little experience in all the ways in which they can share intimacy with their partner, and how little mundane things such as taking out the trash or providing foot massage can become vehicles for showing love and caring and a way to share intimacy. For many women sexual pleasure has only come from clitoral stimulation, and masturbation, and they have had little pleasure or orgasms from penetrative sex. They may not have realized how little this is understood by most men, who also have little experience of how to be intimate in other ways than through penetrative sex. They may also not know how poorly most men understand their needs for intimacy in all its forms and their desire for it.

This lack of knowledge and communication often leads to issues in a relationship, where neither understands what are the needs, desires, and aspirations of the other.

For the single man who seeks intimacy and a relationship these factors mean that he is so often completely out of his depth. He may have little idea of even how to begin.

Any increase in intimacy in a relationship has to start where the people are already and their understanding of what increases or prevents intimacy. This is challenging stuff, for most of us do not want to delve to deep into our past successes or failures, or see where we have failed to deliver in a relationship. No matter what you find here this is all the past, and the object of these blogs and the whole process of reintroduction to intimacy is to have a fresh start.

The two pillars of this process are that the male should embrace male chastity and that both should be mindful of each other. Male chastity is the freely accepted practice where the man gives up the ability to pleasure himself, to masturbate and to play with his private parts, and he hands over the ultimate control of these parts to someone else. This frequently leads to him wearing a chastity device to which his partner, a friend, or a professional coach holds the key. The object of this is to allow the man to stop all previous behaviors, and to be in a position where he can start again.

This is the stop signal which energizes him to change. He can only do it and make use of it if he wants to change, but it is there to help him. He is not prevented from having sex, only the control of it is not in his hands.

If he takes this step he will be cutting himself off from the use of masturbation and pornography as an aid to ejaculation, and will be dependent on what happens in the real world and not the one of his fantasies. This brings him fully into the whole word and acts as a stimulus to learning how he can please a potential partner and to go and find one.

If he then applies the principles of being mindful of the needs, desires, and aspirations of anyone he meets, and he learns to really listen to them, and show his interest by the way he treats them he will have a greater chance of finding someone interested in him. It is surprising how many women report that the people they meet at work, and in social gatherings are only interested in one thing, and that is themselves. Of course they are also interested in one other thing, which is getting to know someone so they can have sex with them, but their technique for reaching this point is woeful.

If all the women can say is that the men are only interested in themselves, their work, their car, their hobbies , then such men are not listening to the women but just talking at them. If a woman finds a man who will listen to her as a person, and show interest in her hobbies and interests, and who will treat her as an equal then she will be likely to want them as her friend. This can lead to platonic friendship, but can also lead to more intimate meeting and the development of a relationship.

For a man to be able to embrace male chastity and mindfulness may be more than he can do on his own, and help may be needed. This can come from a friend who can act as a key holder, or there are professionals, often from within the BDSM community who offer key holding services on the internet. Such people are rarely trained to work and mentor outside the kink community, and a man seeking a relationship who is interested in using male chastity as a method to help him may not want to go down this path.

An alternative way is to seek the assistance of a trained counselor, or coach, but few of them use male chastity as part of their system of assistance and might not feel happy acting as key holder for someone who is trying the effects of male chastity in their life.

This is something I have been doing for several years now. I can point you in the direction of someone who can act as a mentor and an external supervisor for the whole process of restarting Intimacy. Contact the author, Sierra Parker, by clicking here.

This assistance is often essential to getting a man well on the path of restarting intimacy and established in male chastity and learning how to be mindful.

Once the man has established himself on the program he can learn skills among those described in the later blogs which will aid him in his search for a companion and prevent him frightening people away.

If he learns how to make sure he is well groomed, clean and tidy and has clean hands, tidy nails, and no bad breath this will mean that women will not be repelled by him.

If he stands straight and does not slouch and looks at the person he is speaking to he will appear to be attentive.

If he has the opportunity to take a woman for a ride in his car and it is tidy and clean she may be pleasantly surprised. If she enters the place he lives and it is clean and tidy, and he can offer her a drink and serve it to her nicely she will be very surprised.

If he goes on a date and brings her flowers or a small present she will be impressed.

If he goes to her place and she provides a meal he can offer to help or to help wash up. If they go out together he can pay for the meal.

All of these are sufficiently rare that a woman will notice, and this will have the effect of making a relationship much more likely.

These are simple skills. More difficult is the need to be ever mindful of the person you are talking to, and to be fully mindful so you can see them, compliment them on how wonderful they look, and above all listen to them and be mindful.

For a woman to find a man who listens to her, and is prepared to be silent and not to push into the conversation or only want to talk about his hobbies and interests is rare. Learning the skills of being silent, and of really listening with the whole of your mind and body, so the other realizes that you are is an extremely important skill.

Be ever mindful of who you are with. Watch them for non verbal cues, listen to what they are saying, and be mindful that to have a relationship with them you need to be mindful of all their needs, desires, and aspirations. Learn to do this and you will get the reputation of being a “good listener” and get to know people as people, and this is a very intimate situation, even if there are no sexual overtones.

Learning a skill, whether it is the skill of making sure your place is tidy and you can make a drink and serve it nicely, or learning to cook and clean so you can offer help or provide a meal will impress.

Consider learning how to do foot massage. You can learn from books, and practice on yourself, or on your friends, but many women will treasure someone who can massage away the pains from their tired feet at the end of a busy day, and this can always led on to greater intimacy and a relationship if both of you wish it.

Always go slowly, looking for cues, and never be pushy. This will drive anyone away, and if you read it wrong you could be out on your ear after a botched attempt to kiss or touch which is seen as inappropriate. You will get a bad reputation if you are pushy, but be seen as “sweet or nice” if you take it slowly, which is what most woman want.

There is much to learn for even the single man. All the approaches which may lead to your forming a relationship can be aided by learning skills, and the way you listen and approach someone.

If you have realized that you have had problems with relationships in the past, and the factors that affect you in the way you try to form and keep relationships and either help or hinder, you will have made a good start. If you learn the practice of mindfulness, and use the process of male chastity to help wean you from masturbation and dependence on fantasy and pornography you will start to operate in the real world.

If you make the most of the learning opportunities to learn simple skills and behaviors that will show you as “reasonable” and someone who will listen this will make you more able to form and sustain relationships. Even if you do not immediately meet someone and embark on an intimate relationship you will get on better with your friends and the people you work with.

By looking more focused, cleaner and tidier and communicating better you will do better at work and since it is there you may find yourself seeing lot of people you will form good relationships even in the work world. As we all spend most of our time in work, and less outside of work, work relationships have the potential to become more and more important. Intimate relationships often start at work and go on from there, so your behavior with colleagues may be the key to getting on at work and making satisfying intimate relationships as well, possibly with the same people.

The possibilities for improvement are there no matter what may have gone wrong with relationships in the past, or even the lack of them and of experience. Simple steps, taken day after day, allow change to occur, and after making use of the resources of this book or the course, and with the aid of friends or professional coaches most men can improve their chances of making and sustaining intimate relationships, and satisfying a woman.

Restart intimacy gives a model which you can use, with assistance to change your lives and make intimate relationships a reality. You can learn how to please a woman, and this will lead to your pleasure in return You can make intimacy more likely in your life by the way you behave and interact.

Restarting intimacy is a method which works but it does require self honesty and work. Put at its most simple the message is:

  • Start to live in the real world with real people and cast away fantasy and fiction
  • Be mindful of anyone with whom you interact
  • Learn skills to impress and make sure you know what you are doing
  • Listen to what is being said in words and actions and gestures
  • Do not be pushy but respond to others overtures to you
  • Listen to her
  • Listen to her
  • Listen to HER, for she is showing you what she wants and how she wants it.

You can learn to satisfy another and their needs, their desires, and their aspirations.

But you can only do so by being mindful and taking the time and effort. You can change, and that change will liberate you to be able to form and sustain intimate relationships which lead to satisfaction for you and a partner.

restartRESTART INTIMACY A Unique Approach to Male Chastity (Intimacy and Male Chastity)

Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Approach-Chastity-Intimacy-ebook/dp/B00GUDSXXC/

Paperback:  http://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Unique-Approach-Chastity/dp/1493696319/

 

wb1Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples: Part 1. Build the foundations making male chastity work for you

Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-foundations-chastity/dp/1494207109/

wb2Re-Introduction to Intimacy:a Workbook for couples: Part 2: Learn the skills; Become Expert and Fulfilled

Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-couples-Fulfilled/dp/1494217155/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples (Re-Introduction to Intimacy A workbook for couples)

Kindlehttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Couples-workbook-ebook/dp/B00H133E8E/

swb1Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 1: Build the Foundations; making male chastity work for you

Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Foundations-chastity/dp/1494217562/

swb2Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 2. Learn the skills : Become Expert and ready for Intimacy

Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Single-skills/dp/1494217759/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man (Re-Introduction for the single man)

Kindlehttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Single-single-ebook/dp/B00H0VGHYK/

The Restart Intimacy Store

For lots of great intimate toys, click on this banner to the Restart Intimacy Store!

118 A life of Intimacy for Couples

In these blog posts and my books I have attempted to show a way in which intimacy can be increased in a relationship, and a change can be made to an intimacy focused life. Many men complain of not having enough sex with their partners, and the partners complain of there being inadequate intimacy in their relationship.

Many men truly have little experience in all the ways in which they can share intimacy with their partner, and how little mundane things such as taking out the trash or providing foot massage can become vehicles for showing love and caring and a way to share intimacy. For many women sexual pleasure has only come from clitoral stimulation, and masturbation, and they have had little pleasure or orgasms from penetrative sex. They may not have realized how little this is understood by most men, who also have little experience of how to be intimate in other ways than through penetrative sex. They may also not know how poorly most men understand their needs for intimacy in all its forms and their desire for it.

This lack of knowledge and communication often leads to issues in a relationship, where neither understands what are the needs, desires, and aspirations of the other.

In previous blog posts I have provided a route to break through to a new life of increasing intimacy and pleasure for both. It is only going to work if both are prepared to change and to increase communication and listening, for if only one is engaged it is not going to succeed. Only a couple who actively want to change things can move forward, but working together can lead to so much greater intimacy and fun for both partners.

Any increase in intimacy in a relationship has to start where the people are already and their understanding of what increases or prevents intimacy. This means we should all be prepared to look at ourselves critically. This is challenging stuff, for most of us do not want to delve to deep into our past success or failure, or see where we have failed to deliver in a relationship. No matter what you find here, this is all the past; the object of the whole process of restart intimacy really is designed to have a fresh start.

The two pillars of this process are that the male should embrace male chastity and that both should be mindful of each other. Male chastity is the freely accepted practice where the man gives up the ability to pleasure himself, to masturbate and to play with his private parts, and he hands over the ultimate control of these parts to his partner, so she can decide when he is to be released and permitted to have an orgasm. This frequently leads to him wearing a chastity device to which his partner holds the key. The object of this is to allow the man to stop all previous behaviors, and to be in a position where he can start again. He is put into the position of the suitor who is courting a lady where he will have to wait until the time is right for full penetrative sex.

This has the effect of making him permanently aroused to see what he can do for his lady, and allows him to concentrate on her alone, and not be diverted by sexual images, pornography, or masturbation. This is the stop signal which energizes him to change. He can only do it and make use of it if he wants to change, but it is there to help him. He is not prevented from having sex, only the control of it is not in his hands. However if he reacts by becoming fully mindful of his partner, and growing the intimacy between them then he is so much more likely to find himself released for sex even more frequently than before he started on the process. The object is not to punish him but to direct him, as he voluntarily embraces male chastity in order to serve and please his partner and give her pleasure, which will lead to his pleasure in return.

For the woman in this situation it is important that she is mindful of his needs and desires, and does not use the male chastity to demean him, but rather to build up his responses to her to help him grow in intimacy. Once he discovers that there are so many ways to be intimate and to give and receive pleasure he will be energized to grow in the relationship as well.

All of this requires both partners to be mindful of each other. In the sections on being mindful I may have concentrated more on the position for the man and the changes he needs to accept to be mindful of his partner, but the same process applies to both. The exercises are designed to get both the man and the woman together, working together to develop the whole practice of mindfulness so that they can see each other as they are and listen and hear what the other is saying. This is not just concentrating on the words, but on the whole person and all the non verbal cues and information as well and the messages that the whole of their bodies are giving.

If both partners can move to a position of being mindful of each other, and communicating with the exercises they will be learning how to communicate as well at the same time outside the formalized exercise framework, which will help them grow into a closer relationship in every way.

In these blog posts I have included examples. They are all true, and taken from the lives of friends, acquaintances and those who have taken part in my course “Re-Introduction to Intimacy” or who have been coached by me and my colleagues in the past. I have used the fictitious names of “Michael and Mary” for the examples in order to remove personality and concentrate on what happens in real life with real people.

The later blog posts and part 3 of the book Restart Intimacy take specific situations and look at ways in which you can use them to increase intimacy. They look at areas in which traditionally the man will not have been expected to have skills and knowledge, but where simple things can demonstrate that he cares and is interested in living in such a way as may increase intimacy. Some of these are very simple things, where a little knowledge and preparation, or a little consideration and time may open the doors to greater intimacy.

Some of the activities and behaviors are so mundane, including taking out the trash, making sure that the man has cleaned his car, and allowing the woman to have control of the TV remote control, but they show that he is mindful of her and looking to care for her, to spoil her, and to consider her needs, desires, and aspirations, and to consider her as the full and complete person that she is.

Others are much more intimate, and include all sorts of bodily care, including massage and pedicure, washing her delicates, and giving her pleasure through oral sex. Some of these may be activities that have been tried before, but many may be new.

The whole process of considering them, talking about them, learning to do them, and the positive reinforcement that comes from praise when the simplest thing is done well and there is constant striving to do it all better for each other will draw the couple together.

I have put a lot of different ideas and options for increasing intimacy into this. Some will appeal to most people, and others will only have a few who want to use them, but it is the process of deciding together what you are going to try and then doing it which will draw the couple together.

So is it a restart or an introduction to intimacy. Because it incorporates the stop signal of the man embracing male chastity in order to allow him to change, and the aim is to start all over again in intimacy and its behaviors it is a true restart to intimacy.

For many couples looking to make intimacy as the core of so much of their mundane as well as intimate activity is new, so for them so much of what is proposed in part 3 of this book is a new thing. For them it is an introduction to intimacy in so many areas of their lives. They may have used the process to restart things, but they will now be introducing so much that is new to them into their lives.

It does not really matter how much is restarted, and how much is new; what matters is the process of growing closer together and changing the whole dynamic of the relationship. Some people can do this on their own without assistance, but others need assistance in helping them make the changes they need to try and it is for them that this book has been written.

Most of us realize at a deep level that we are out of our depth in any relationship, and so need help, so this realization that we are not ideal or behaving as well or effectively as we could that drives the changes.

For some people old habits can be changed easily. They are the sort of people who can realize they need to lose a stone (about 15 lbs.) in weight, and immediately do it, and keep the weight off. They are those who tell you how they decided to give up smoking and just did it and there were no problems at all. For most of us this is not the case and help is needed. We need to want to change old and bad habits; we know we want to, and we do really want to change. But it is all so hard, and so much to do we do not know where to start, and we fear we will fail and look like idiots and failures.

It is hard to accept that we need help, but it is there if we need it. Our partners want to help but cannot do so unless we ask for it. If they try to get us to change without us wanting to do so we feel aggrieved and persecuted. If we want to change and we ask for their help they will give it to us. But they may not know what to do.

The object of this process and these blog posts is to show that you can change, and there are ways to make it more likely. I know that it does work. I have seen the effects on couples over the years whom I have been able to help, or rather I have been there to help them help themselves. You can change and all I can do is to facilitate this, to be available for advice and assistance and to provide support. It is the couple who make the decision to try this approach.

It is the man who has the courage to decide to embrace male chastity for his partner when he has scarcely even thought about it before that makes things happen. It is the man who is prepared to change and to develop his skills in the most unlikely of areas who gains the prize of a relationship of great intensity, intimacy and pleasure.

It is the woman who really stands by her partner when he finds things tough and by her praise and support helps him to develop. Her work and support, and literally holding him by the hand is what drives the process forwards.

A couple who have the audacity to be prepared to change their ways, to learn and to develop intimacy in their relationship are bidding for a great prize for they can place intimacy at the core of everything they do they will grow together.

If they can persevere, and grow, and introduce one by one new opportunities for increasing intimacy, whilst being fully mindful of each other then they will have set the roots of their relationship very deep indeed. They will have restarted intimacy as a way of increasing intimacy, and pleasure for both of them, and they will have had a good time as well!

Although this can all seem very deep and daunting as a process it should also be fun and enjoyable. Increasing intimacy should give as many laughs as orgasms, probably many times more. If you take this process as both fun and serious together at the same time this will allow you to grow and enjoy yourselves and that is after all one of the objects of the process.

If you start with a man who does not know how to satisfy his partner or be intimate with her, outside of penetrative sex, and a woman who craves intimacy in all its forms restarting intimacy should lead to a man who now understands his partner’s needs, desires, and aspirations and is mindful of her, as she is of him. It should lead to a couple who live a life of deepening intimacy and closeness, and this will led to more pleasure and sex for the man as well. A woman satisfied with her life of intimacy will want more sex in all its forms, so both are winners and no one loses at all.

For those who wish help beyond the confines of these blog posts, I have the Restart Intimacy book and the Reintroduction to Intimacy course workbook, based on the material which I have used here, and which uses the form of exercises. Because so often there are queries and a need to talk to someone outside of the couple by both partners either together or individually, I offer contact and support and can put you in touch with those who can mentor or help with issues that come up when you try to restart intimacy in your relationship (contact the author, Sierra Parker, here).

For a limited time, the Restart Intimacy Kindle book is on sale for $3.99!

restartRESTART INTIMACY A Unique Approach to Male Chastity (Intimacy and Male Chastity)

Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Unique-Approach-Chastity/dp/1493696319/

Kindlehttp://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Approach-Chastity-Intimacy-ebook/dp/B00GUDSXXC/

wb1

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples: Part 1. Build the foundations making male chastity work for you
Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-foundations-chastity/dp/1494207109/

wb2

Re-Introduction to Intimacy:a Workbook for couples: Part 2: Learn the skills; Become Expert and Fulfilled
Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-couples-Fulfilled/dp/1494217155/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples (Re-Introduction to Intimacy A workbook for couples)
Kindlehttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Couples-workbook-ebook/dp/B00H133E8E/

swb1

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 1: Build the Foundations; making male chastity work for you
Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Foundations-chastity/dp/1494217562/

swb2

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 2. Learn the skills : Become Expert and ready for Intimacy
Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Single-skills/dp/1494217759/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man (Re-Introduction for the single man)
Kindlehttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Single-single-ebook/dp/B00H0VGHYK/

The Restart Intimacy Store

For lots of great intimate toys, click on this banner to the Restart Intimacy Store!

117 Learn to Relax and Have Fun

Relax!

If you take every part of these blog posts and every exercise in utter seriousness you will become so intense that you will not be able to relax and enjoy yourselves. This journey into the reintroduction to intimacy should be fun rather than work. If you look at it as a struggle and a fight to get intimacy then you will fight and have arguments. If you look at it as work then it may become as boring as work.

 “Thursday the 3rd of November Work today was boring, meetings and need to go through lots of emails, short lunch break but all my favorites had already disappeared from the cafeteria when I got there. Home, no welcome but 3 hours of jobs to be done followed by sex timed to check we were tantric kissing for 15 minutes, doing oral sex for 30 minutes and followed by 15 minutes massage of her feet. Sleep – exhausted”.

I can think of nothing worse than this as a way to live, and whatever is happening between you it is certainly not intimacy as suggested here and in my book. You need time to be together and to do things, time not kept so short as to be of no use. For sex, allow hours to make love, relax into it and relax afterwards as well. Make the restart of intimacy fun, with the exercises turned into games, and time for fun between you.

You may not have “played” since you were a child, but play is for adults also, and so much of intimacy can be seen as a form of play. Children play cleaning a room; a man can do the same but also do it right, and enjoy what he is doing for his partner. If you can infuse your restart of intimacy with the spirit of play you will get more out of it, and enjoy yourselves.

After all the whole object of the reintroduction to intimacy is to increase intimacy in all areas of life, and to refocus life on a life lived as an adventure into intimacy.

These are all just suggestions but they do show ways in which you can begin with the skills from the book and workbook, then proceed to use them to build intimacy and make it at the center of your lives.

Nothing in these blog posts or the books from which they spring as a way to improve intimacy are absolute. It is all suggestions of ways in which you can come together and develop deeper intimacy in so many areas of life until the approach takes over and becomes not what you do, but what you are.

Some things will work for some couples, and others will find an equally effective but different way to grow together. Not everything can be found here, it can only be found between the two of you and in your lives.

These blog posts are here to help.

If you want to go further and look more into the whole process of restarting intimacy in your lives, you need to get the Restart Intimacy book and consider enrolling in the “Re-Introduction to Intimacy” course.   The Reintroduction to Intimacy course workbooks are also available on Amazon.  See below.

I can provide assistance in obtaining an outside supervisor and mentor for couples and individuals.

Do you dare make change in your life?

Make the changes and you will be assured of a new life of intimacy! For a limited time, the Restart Intimacy Kindle book is on sale for $3.99!

restartRESTART INTIMACY A Unique Approach to Male Chastity (Intimacy and Male Chastity)

Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Unique-Approach-Chastity/dp/1493696319/

Kindlehttp://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Approach-Chastity-Intimacy-ebook/dp/B00GUDSXXC/

wb1

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples: Part 1. Build the foundations making male chastity work for you
Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-foundations-chastity/dp/1494207109/

wb2

Re-Introduction to Intimacy:a Workbook for couples: Part 2: Learn the skills; Become Expert and Fulfilled
Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-couples-Fulfilled/dp/1494217155/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples (Re-Introduction to Intimacy A workbook for couples)
Kindlehttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Couples-workbook-ebook/dp/B00H133E8E/

swb1

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 1: Build the Foundations; making male chastity work for you
Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Foundations-chastity/dp/1494217562/

swb2

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 2. Learn the skills : Become Expert and ready for Intimacy
Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Single-skills/dp/1494217759/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man (Re-Introduction for the single man)
Kindlehttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Single-single-ebook/dp/B00H0VGHYK/

The Restart Intimacy Store

For lots of great intimate toys, click on this banner to the Restart Intimacy Store!

116 Some Other Ideas for Play and Pleasure #4

Make sure to communicate when you are separated

If the man is away on business and alone he will feel lonely. If he is wearing a chastity device he will feel doubly separated, as now he will not be able to masturbate and relieve himself as he used to do. But being locked away, as he has voluntarily embraced, he is safe from dangerous affairs, as the female partner has the key at home.

Now is the time he really needs to be able to see his partner and to talk to her.  You can keep things so intimate by talking , texting, emailing , and seeing each other on Skype even if you are forced to be thousands of miles away. This is essential as it keeps the connection close between you, and you see and hear each other to keep you in touch in every sense. For the man in a chastity device this is touch from afar, as every feeling he has of the device is the touch of his partner who applied the device; she holds him closely to her with the device just as if she were holding him in her hand.

Keep an intimacy diary

I have written before of the value of keeping an intimacy diary. This allows you to keep a record of all the things you find intimate in your relationship, and to muse on possibilities. It needs to be completely private to each partner, but it can help you when you are looking at your reaction to events and actions, and to work out how to discuss issues of intimacy which otherwise you might come to talking about unprepared.

It is a good discipline to do this.  Looking back you will begin to see the record of all the things you now see as intimate, increasing (even the mundane actions such as taking out the trash), and it will remind you of how far you have come on the journey to increasing intimacy in your relationship.

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