When you first meet someone with whom you are interested in having a relationship, either intimate or non intimate you always want to look your best. When you are trying to get a job you try to look well groomed and at your best, so this is not used as a reason not to appoint you. Some people only ever wear a suit when they go for job interviews, so it is known as their “interview suit”. This all shows the importance of looking your best.
But once we are in a relationship standards often slip. We may want to lounge around in old and comfortable clothes, and it is difficult for our partners to get us looking our best. This means that if we go out with them we may look more like a sack of old clothes than their partner, and we may embarrass them. This is far less common in women than men, so it is the male partner who is most often the embarrassment.
Similarly when we are courting or seeking to impress a woman we want to look our best, and look, fit , lean, and thin, but later in a marriage we may let ourselves go and develop a large belly, and take little exercise. This all means that we do not look as good as we did for our partner, and the larger we are, the more difficult is intimate activity, and we may also begin to snore loudly when we go to sleep.
The more out of shape we become the more likely we are to be tired when we return home in the evening so we have less energy for our partner and less we can do for her. This can all change, and will be an aid to intimacy.
For any man their appearance and demeanor says a lot about them, and particularly for a man who is not already in a relationship. This includes what they look like, whether they are clean, and whether they smell of body odor or not. It also matters whether they look clean and tidy in their clothes. Simple grooming and tidiness makes a difference.
So consider making sure:
- You have washed and smell clean
- You have shaved your face
- Your clothes are clean and not full of holes
- Your shoes are clean
- You look tidy and have brushed your hair.
The man who takes effort to do these things is showing that he cares about his own appearance and does not want to look a mess. If he is in a relationship his partner can see that he cares for her, as he takes the trouble to look OK and if not potential partners can see that he can look after himself and knows about basic cleanliness.
- Face washed
- Hands clean
- Hands washed on coming into the home to clean off dirt
Consider the effect on a partner or potential partner of seeing you with an unshaven face full of bristles. You may think it looks romantic and cool but they are not going to want to kiss a face covered in itchy and rough stubble and strip the skin off their face, and most particularly they are not going to want you to have the effect of rough sandpaper on their most tender places. Make sure you have a good razor and make use of it, not just once in the morning, but when you get home, or are going out for the evening and you want to look OK for her who might be prepared to kiss you or let you get intimate
Think of what you look like in your clothing. Many men married for years prefer to wear a favorite sweater or tea shirt when relaxing, wearing it until it is not just worn out but little more than a rag. If you go out with your partner looking like that you will be a severe embarrassment, and your chance of intimacy after you get back is going to be less.
Take this approach and your partner will know you are taking an effort for them. Potential partners will not be put off by how you look.
- You are properly shaved
- You are clean and tidy
- Your clothes are clean and not worn out.
You may think that this is all obvious, but just look at some of the people you may see in the street or at parties, and be mindful of what will please or irritate your partner or put off a potential partner.
This may not be such a big thing, but showing that this is an area in which you can shape up, and improve your behaviors for your partner does show commitment and will reduce embarrassment, and so allow intimacy to develop in other areas.
Other ways to show you are attentive
When you see someone slouching in their chair with their legs spread out in front of them, or leaning against the wall oblivious to the appearance they are showing, that is someone who looks as if they are not concentrating on the person in front of them. The body language screams, “I am not interested in you enough to pay attention to you” even if this is not the case.
If you stand bent over, you seem smaller than you are, and you cannot look anyone in the eye. In the military or police or other uniformed organizations the person is expected to be in a clean uniform, and to stand straight, chest out , stomach in, and to attend to who is there in front of them either giving them orders, or listening to them. Although there is no need to require a military posture from anyone not in uniform, where slouching is taken as denigrating the uniform they wear, standing straight so you can look someone in the face when they are speaking does show that you are concentrating on them, and are attentive to them.
Your posture shows that you are giving attention to what is being said, and is in itself an important part of listening. Your audience knows that you are awake, and concentrating on what they say.
Sitting up, and not slumped down with the legs out in front all over the place means that your partner is less likely to trip over you as she goes past and you are not taking up all the space on the floor.
Just like looking clean and tidy standing tall and sitting straight shows you are engaged with the person you are talking to.
- Stand straight
- Look the person in the eye
- Sit up straight
- Do not slouch
- Look tidy and do not take up all the space.
Think about weight issues
Remember that if you turn from a fit young thing to a large mound of fat with excess weight you no longer look as good as you used to, so keeping your weight down and exercising regularly makes you look better and will remove a source of irritation.
Listen to your partner
One of the important factors in making sure that you are clean and tidily dressed is that to be anything else demeans your partner, who may have gone to considerable effort to look their best, and that this can irritate them. If you are going to look good, and then show that you are not paying any attention to what they are saying then you might just as well not be there, and for a man not in relationship failure to listen to a potential partner is so easily picked up and acts as a “turn off” at almost light speed.
If you have gone to the effort of taking your partner or a potential partner out to a meal, and made sure that you are clean and tidy, apparently listened to what is being said, but have no idea to how to get where you are going, and have forgotten the tickets to the concert you will be in the dog house, and lack of intimacy will be your place. So be organized, not so much that everything has to happen in the way you have decided, but at least so you know where you are going, and how to get there.
When you are a single man, and you are seeking a relationship, you may find yourself inviting a potential partner to your place for a drink or a chat. If the place looks a complete mess, and looks as if it has never been cleaned then you will have shown yourself to be disorganized and things will only go downhill from there.
Make sure that your car is clean and tidy, and anywhere of yours you take the person is the same.
For someone already in a relationship it is so common to go out for the evening in a car that is a complete mess, dirt and mess on the seats, so that a new dress is damaged and the partner reaches where you are going in more a rage than anything else.
Consider if it might rain, and make sure you have an umbrella to protect the new hair arrangement on which your partner has spent hours in making fine. Make sure you have money for a taxi if it is going to be needed
Do not look like an idiot
If you go out with a partner and meet people, or are seeking to impress a potential partner there are so many ways in which you can look stupid. If you do not know your partner’s interests and preferences or if you attempt to show you are interested in something of which you know nothing you will be found out.
If you are seeking to find a partner make sure you do know what is going on in the world, and be up to date. You should not use your knowledge to show off, but be ready to discuss a wide range of issues both those in the news and others. However if you have not found out your partner’s position on something contentious you may find yourself in trouble.
Courtesy to the person you are speaking to shows that you are considering them as a true person, not just someone to talk to. Getting them a drink, making it possible for them to sit down by finding them a space to sit, opening doors for them, all these are signs of courtesy which show how you value them. Even so little a thing as opening a door for your partner shows you care and is a very intimate act.
Clothing and appearance
If you have a partner it is always a good idea to find out how she would like you dressed for any occasion. She knows better than yourself how good you can look when properly dressed and cleaned up, and if you look good it shows her up in a good light as well. If you are seeking a partner you want to be dressed in clean clothes, chosen to fit, and to blend in with those around you. You may think you would look good if you stand out form the crown but it is more likely that you will stand out more like a sore thumb and not draw people to you but drive them away.
Consider before you go out with your partner:
- Have I washed and shaved and used antiperspirant?
- Do I know where we are going and how to get there?
- Do I know who we are meeting?
- Do I have tickets for the show?
- Do I look OK?
- Am I ready to be attentive when I am there?
- Is there anything else I need to know?
Take this approach and you will appear as your partner wants you to look. There will be fewer arguments and you will be giving her pleasure. She can see you care.
Examples where grooming and clothing matter
Michael and Mary had been married for 6 years. On return home Michael always put on the same sweater because it was comfortable and over time it got more and more ragged. If they went out sometime he forgot to take it off, despite the fact that he had other clothes he could wear. Mary got more and more irritated with him until one day she took his sweater and cut it into little pieces in front of him, to stop him looking such a mess and not considering her feelings on going out with a man in a sweater with holes in it.
He was appalled as he had not realized how much he had upset her, and got angry. Not a good moment, and handled badly so ever after he was always being reminded about the sweater which though small incident acted as poison to the relationship.
Mary and Michael were together for years, and both put on extra weight over that time. Then Mary developed high blood pressure and was advised to diet and lose weight. She persuaded Michael to go on the same diet, and they both lost weight.
Her blood pressure came down and she did not need tablets after all. He lost 14 pounds (1 stone) in weight and felt great, feeling himself more fit, less tired and much younger. Both liked the new bodies they had become, and this worked to allow them to look at each other anew and refresh their relationship and intimacy.
Here are some ideas for ways in which grooming and deportment can help increase intimacy and reintroduce intimacy and improve a relationship. Much of what I have written about above is as applicable to men who want a relationship as to those already in a relationship, to prevent them falling into common pitfalls which blight their chances of attracting someone.
For those already in a relationship it is difficult to understate the importance of these factors in irritating a partner, who spends time and effort looking her best for the man, disregarded by someone who is a slob who cannot even look after themselves. Here the main benefit is in reduction in irritation and thus more opportunity for intimacy as a result.
Here are some other options concerning grooming and presentation that pay dividends as they show that the man is mindful of their partner:
- He should ask her how she wants him to look
- They should discuss the needs for fitness and exercise for both of them
- They should discuss weight issues for both of them addressed together (If they diet and exercise together this can draw them close and improve intimacy)
- They can discuss how his hair should be cut as she wants it, and similarly her hair done the way he likes it , and when she knows he needs a haircut
- He should check he is showing attentiveness in his posture, and seek support in improving it
- He should always be positive in telling her when she is looking particularly good and she should do the same for him.
- He should check when his clothes are worn out and need throwing away or sent to the dry cleaners, ideally before she feels she needs to make an issue of it.
These exercises will have the effect of preventing irritation and the reduction in intimacy that follows. This is particularly important if the man has already embraced male chastity and is dependent for any release upon his partner. Anything that irritates her may not lead to the desired outcome for him.