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Touch is one of the senses, and so often we are concentrating on the sights and sounds that come to us that we may fail to notice a touch. When you are mindful of your partner you need to allow the whole range of senses to be involved. You need to see your partner as she is, and to listen to what she is saying. To get the most out of touch you may want to get the environment right for each other, and also to consider how you can enhance the experience.
If some of the other senses are enhanced, with soft lighting, warmth, pleasant perfumes, or quiet relaxing sounds this may enhance things. Alternatively if the other senses are dulled so that there is no outside stimulus, with a blindfold or earplugs the sense of touch may be enhanced and so everything feels so much more intense.
Get the environment right
If it is too cold or too hot it may not give the greatest pleasure.
If there is pleasant music in the background that relaxes you both then you can relax into the experience.
Candlelight may spread a warm and comforting light which is not too bright. If your candles are perfumed then the smell may enhance the way you both feel.
Make sure that both of you can be comfortable in the positions you take; if one is in an awkward position or the other gets a cramp this may spoil the pleasure.
Consider reducing outside sensory stimuli
Try touching your partner, or being touched by her with the person touched wearing a blindfold.
Try the effect of lying quietly in the dark wearing earplugs so that touch becomes the predominant sense,
Play with different things and textures to do the touching
Ice touching the skin can have an effect like getting a mild electric shock, especially if unexpected.
Touch with your softest skin of the finger tips, or with rougher skin from the side of the arm.
Touch with a feather or a silken cloth.
Touch with a hairbrush or an “animal grooming pad”.
Touch with something that vibrates and buzzes using a vibrator or even an electric toothbrush.
Even if you are touching the skin of the back or those parts which are not particularly sensitive in these ways the touch will be enhanced, and you will feel more. It is not the area touched, or the way that it is done , or the enhancements that are used that matter the most. It is the fact that touch is a very subtle and powerful way to communicate between partners, a series of signals that have built up between them over the whole of their relationship, and that the communications and discussion between them designed to find out how to please the other, and then used and practiced to enable the one to demonstrate their care and their desire to give the other pleasure are what increases intimacy the most.
It is not the area touched, or the way it is done, but that both want to do it, and both are gaining from it that counts and draws them together in a shared experience. The intimacy comes not from touching an intimate area, but from intimately touching any area in an intimate way which is pleasing to the person so touched.
Exercise: Touch Experiments
Spend time on your own thinking of how touch can be pleasant to yourself, and appears to be pleasant to your partner. Write this down in your intimacy journal to act as a memory aid.
Now sit quietly together touching each other, and holding hands and discuss some of the ways in which you an improve the experiences you both have. This does not mean that things have been bad before in your experience but you are now looking at the factors highlighted above and seeing how you can make use of them to make things even better for both of you.
Decide one or more ways to experiment in improving the experience of touch.
It might be something very mundane, as with the woman being given a soft nightgown to wear in bed, which will feel good on her skin and on the skin of her partner cuddling up against her
It might be something such as the use of a blindfold to restrict vision and enhance touch that neither has tried before.
Once you have agreed what you are going to try, give it a go. Try it, and if it works try it again, and make it part of your repertoire of touch and pleasure for both.
The object of this exercise and the other exercises on touch is to get both partners to talk about it, to discuss how to make things better and to try out things which may be new and might work for the couple.
When you take all the opportunities that are there both in the day and in bed to touch your partner, she or he knows by your touch that you are there and available. Even the most fleeting touch can be good or bad. An unexpected touch when you are not expecting it can be a shock, and can disrupt concentration, which is why touching when the other is cutting the meat with a carving knife or carrying a pan full of hot water is not a good idea. On the other hand an unexpected touch as the other enters the room shows that they are there and may lead to more intimate touch, kissing and greater intimacy.
Even touching a part of the body which is clothed will have electric effects if done right. A touch on the buttocks or the face can show your love and affection, and lead to closer intimacy. Touch is always a signal. It signals that you are there. It signals that you are available. It signals that you await their response.
For some couples specific touch acts as a signal that the other desires greater intimacy now. A touch on the shoulder may not mean anything, but a touch of the finger tips against the cheek signals a desire to kiss and cuddle. A touch on the man’s thigh may indicate that the woman is considering her desire for oral sex from the man.
Exercise: Discover your touch signals
Think what happens and what it feels like when you touch your partner or are touched in specific ways. Write down your thoughts in your intimacy diary. Do this separately.
Now come together and talk about what sorts of touching you both like and how it affects you. It may arouse desire, or give a feeling of security, or just feel good in a non specific manner.
Now you have an idea of what turns your partner on to you find out whether there is any touching or times of touching that have the opposite effect.
Be open with each other, but do not come to any conclusions. Listen but do not comment on the other’s statements.
Now you can use this information when you touch, and look for reactions, and find new ways to touch and enjoy yourselves. In this way you both develop the tactile environment between you and this increases intimacy.
Remember that there are so many areas of the body where touching is intimate.
Touching someone over the breasts or genital areas and inner thighs when they are covered with clothing still has effects.
Touching the unclothed body allows so much more sensation.
Breasts and nipples may be very sensitive, and touching, stroking and pressing against them gives both partners pleasure, but remember that men also have nipples, and they are supplied with just as many nerve endings as in the woman. Obviously if the breasts or nipples are over sensitive then touch may need to be more gentle, and gentleness is almost always a virtue, unless your partner says he or she wants things squeezed or held more firmly. Start gentle and be lead by the other.
Too often the man wants to move his hands around from place to place, and they are always in motion. Not always a good idea. Move slowly and concentrate on one part of the body before moving around. Hold quietly and press without moving. Sometimes this is a much more intimate and pleasurable act than rubbing hands all over.
Buttocks and thighs are very sensitive also, and stoking and massaging them can give great pleasure to both partners. I have written elsewhere in a subsequent section about massage as a specific type of touching which may give pleasure whether accompanying sex or not.
Some men or women like a firmer touch on the buttocks, and many couples have experimented with spanking as part of foreplay. All right if it what you both want to do it, and it is not too hard or painful to take you out of the zone of pleasure you are building between you.
When you share a bed with someone it is a very intimate experience, even if you do no more than share the bed. Waking in the night to see the back of their head on the pillow, hearing their breathing, and waking in the morning to the first sight of the day being their head or part of their body is extremely intimate, and many couples have forgotten exactly how powerful a bond between them this is.
Once in the bed together there is always the possibility of touch between you, and it is always so good to be able to wake and touch your partner and know that they are there for you.
One way to increase touch is for you to make sure that there are lots of cuddles in bed, with you as close as possible to your partner. For this you need to find out how best you like to fit together, and then you can spend the whole night spooning, with one cuddled up against the back of the other, possibly holding each other tight. For many couples sleeping this way leads to you going to sleep pointing one way, with your front against the back of their partner and then waking up in the morning facing the other way, with both having turned as one
Obviously being close to your partner and touching them is a way to be intimate with them, and if you lie there noting their breathing and fitting your breathing to theirs this means that you both move as one. This can feel so good and so intimate, as you share each other’s breathing pattern.
Bed is obviously not just for sleeping, and cuddling together in the evening before going to sleep, or doing the same in the morning on waking, or finding yourself so close in the middle of the night can often lead to kissing, more cuddling and more intimate touching leading to sex.
For the man who is locked in a device as he has embraced male chastity of course things may not be quite so simple, but if he puts all his effort into cuddling his partner, and pleasing her in bed even just when they are sleeping together, then she is much more likely to consider unlocking him so both can enjoy themselves. Of course for a female in a relationship with a man who is locked away she can request and require him to pleasure her at any time, whether she unlocks him or not.
The man who finds himself on his own in a single bed apart from his wife on vacation because they have been given a room with single beds, or banished to the far side of the bed because she does not want him to touch her, or who is in the doghouse for some misdemeanor and is forced to sleep on the floor or couch, really knows what he is missing. The couple who have give thought to what they are doing in bed together make the whole night a time for intimacy even if they are asleep nearly all the time.
Exercise: Bedtime Touching
Get ready for bed and both go to bed at the same time. Lie in bed and hold hands in the dark.
Do nothing more.
Talk about the positions in bed for sleeping each like, and find out how She likes to be touched when in bed together. Then try them out so you both know that the other is comfortable and can stay in that position for long periods.
Now talk about the times you like to be cuddled in bed and make sure there is time for this. This may mean both going to bed at the same time, rather than one after the other, and waking up in the morning with the alarm 10 minutes or more earlier so as to be able to have a cuddle.
Make a plan of what you want to do, stick to it, then after a week or so have another talk to find out how it can be made better.
With this approach the whole of the day and the night can be made an opportunity for intimacy, with the whole night given over to cuddling and sleep, and cuddling and a kiss the definition of going to bed or getting up. Simple to do, often forgotten, this all helps to build intimacy, and for the woman whose partner is attempting to live the reintroduction to intimacy it can also be a time when she can tease him, arouse him, but leave him locked up. Maybe unlock him in the morning, maybe not!
We all have so many nerve endings over the whole of our body that touch anywhere can be a very intimate experience. There are large numbers of nerve endings around the mouth, the genitalia, and on the fingers, but other places such as the nipples are well supplied with sensory nerves as well.
No matter where you touch your partner she will feel it and know that she is being touched. Although sight and sound give us so much information about our environment smell, taste, and above all touch tell us so much more about the person who is touching us.
Touch can be so soft we can hardly feel it, or so hard that it is almost painful. The way in which we are touched and the pattern of touch gives us so much input directly into our brains that the skin is the biggest and most sensitive sense organ of all.
Touch without touching
For a couple who are embarked upon the journey of restarting intimacy there is also touch when we are not even together. If the man is wearing a male chastity device he can always feel that it is there, every minute of the day or night, even if it is comfortable, and so he knows all the time that his parts are controlled inside it by his partner who holds the key. She is touching him through the device all the time, and this is very arousing and intimate.
At the same time she may be wearing the key on a necklace around her neck, and so she can feel it there all the time. She can see it whenever she looks at herself in the mirror, she can feel it as she touches it with her fingers, and she can feel it is there on her skin whenever she moves. She knows all the time that she holds the key to his private parts, and this is very arousing as well.
If she is wearing a bracelet or anklet locked in place with a key which hangs around his neck, this is another example of both knowing that the other is attached to them, and this shared knowledge is extremely intimate. Here there are ways in which the touch of the other is kept in the forefront of the mind all the time night and day.
You can also consider the touch of clothing. If he has given her a pair of silken panties and she goes out wearing them then the touch of the silk on the skin will remind her of him all day. If she has sent him out to go all day with no underwear under his pants, or to wear one of her pairs of panties instead of his usual underwear then the sense of touch is accentuated again.
If the couple are forced to be apart then communication through computer using Skype or any similar system allows them to see each other and to ask the other to touch specific parts of the body. This can be very intimate, as each directs the other on where to touch and how to do it, even from several thousand miles away.
None of these, exciting as they are beats real touch which transmits both feeling and touch, and allows a direct connection between the couple.
Touching with consent
If your partner does not want you to touch them, because they are angry with you, or just do not want it, the rule must always be “DO not touch”. Touching someone is getting very close to them, right inside their personal space, and if they do not want to be touched this is an invasion of their privacy and an assault.
A tactile way of life
Touch is so important that it is vital to make touching each other as a way of life. You always need to find out what sorts of touch are acceptable, and what is wanted by the other. Once this discussion has shown the two partners which areas of touch the other likes it allows more touching than ever before. Both partners are allowing the other to touch them, but both have set the ground rules of how and when they like it.
This approach is sanctioned by society. Here shaking hands on meeting someone, or kissing them on the cheek is a non-threatening and accepted way to greet them. You should never shake hands with someone who is expecting a kiss on the cheek, because this might suggest you wish to be more distant for them and this is the last thing you want.
With a couple in a relationship touching each other is such an important part of the intimacy between them. They know what each type of touch means, and it drives them on. Consider all sorts of touching in your lives:
- Touch on the arm
- Touch as you pass each other
- Touch on the buttocks
- Touch him where he is locked away
- When you are walking consider holding hands
- When you sit together, sit so you are touching
- Touch the face where it is sensitive
- Always look for the way the other is responding to your touch
By concentrating on touching in a relationship, even of mundane parts of the body there is a heightened level of awareness of the other and a connection between them. That is why touching is so important and vital to the health of the relationship. Explore how touch can bring things alive even in the most mundane space, so that both gain from it.
When you look at the recent series of posts, there is a simple pattern which you can see emerging. It shows you areas in which “you being mindful of your partner” lead to your being more considerate to Her, whether this is by making sure your car is fit to transport her, or taking your share of the housework and taking out the trash.
Whether you are discovering how She wants you to look and getting up to standard on your clothes, haircut, and personal grooming, or learning how She likes the bathroom cleaned the principles are the same.
- Listen to Her
- Listen to Her and discover what She wants and desires from you
- Ask Her help
- Listen to what She says
- Do it!
- Do it every day and add actions until She is satisfied
- Expect to be held to a high standard
Do these things and so many areas of irritation between you and your partner will disappear. Do this as a single man and you will become much more likely to find and keep a partner.
If you are really serious about the process of reintroducing intimacy into your life and restarting intimacy in your relationships this is the place to start. It is not the touchy-feely and erotic things that will take you forward but the practical changes that you make.
Your partner will see that you are considerate to Her needs and desires and mindful of Her. This will show that you are very serious and will all be helped by your absolute need not to irritate her in case it means longer than expected in chastity. You will be so aroused and desiring to do things right for her that it will be like at the beginning of your relationship when you were totally besotted with Her. She will see this service and effort and you will be rewarded.
If your training and self makeover is being supervised by your partner She will praise you and show you how pleased She is with all your work. If you have taken this training as a single man with an external supervisor then the supervisor will give praise where it is due.
Both partner and external supervisor will be firm, definite, directing and clear but they will see the changes you make and this will show how much you care for the changes you know you need to make.
Once you have mastered these simple life skills and are passed as competent you will be expected to keep to the same high standard, but now you can begin to explore other ways, some new to both you and your partner to learn how to make every moment more intimate than you could have imaged.
In the course “Re-Introduction to Intimacy” these recent blog posts form the core of the 4th module, the first to be taken once you have mastered male chastity and basic mindfulness. This is where all that new learning and attitude will begin to change all aspects of your life.
Get a copy of Restart Intimacy and Reintroduction to Intimacy today and see how your lives can be changed.
Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Approach-Chastity-Intimacy-ebook/dp/B00GUDSXXC/Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples: Part 1. Build the foundations making male chastity work for you
Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-foundations-chastity/dp/1494207109/Re-Introduction to Intimacy:a Workbook for couples: Part 2: Learn the skills; Become Expert and Fulfilled
Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-couples-Fulfilled/dp/1494217155/ Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples (Re-Introduction to Intimacy A workbook for couples)
Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Couples-workbook-ebook/dp/B00H133E8E/ Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 1: Build the Foundations; making male chastity work for you
Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Foundations-chastity/dp/1494217562/Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 2. Learn the skills : Become Expert and ready for Intimacy
Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man (Re-Introduction for the single man)
Behaviors of many men in their cars can strain a relationship to breaking. If you drive without consideration for both your passenger and the other drivers on the roads, are continually honking your horn, or driving in an unstable manner, no partner will feel safe driving with you.
If you do not know where you are going and get lost it, does not look good for your efficiencies in other areas. If you run out of gas or have a crash, or are unable to park, this is disastrous, especially with a new relationship.
Be mindful that your partner wants to be taken safely, efficiently and without stress to where you are going. Here the most common failing is not you, who may be well groomed and dressed and behave impeccably, but your car. If your car is a mess, inside and out, and needs cleaning, and is full of rubbish, no one will want to go in the vehicle with you. Your partner may be going out in their best clothes and be at risk from ruining them on your stained seat cover.
Taking a partner out in a filthy car may be bad, but if you are a single man who is trying to develop a relationship then a filthy messy car says volumes about you, and any potential partner will see a car, no matter how old or out of date that is clean and tidy as better than a sports car with oil stains on the seats.
It shows a degree of lack of care for your partner, and this is so obvious to them and everyone else.
Obviously any attempt to become intimate in the car with a partner or potential partner as in kissing , touching etc, needs to be done safely and not at 60 miles an hour, and also only to occur with the agreement of the other. If you have just met someone and are going them a ride home, and you stop and attempt to touch then or kiss them and they do not want it, you can find yourself charged with sexual assault.
At the very least they will never travel with you again, and all their friends will know you are not “safe” in a car. Even if both of you in an intimate relationship want to get intimate in the car you need to remember that this is a public place and that sexual activity in public is looked on as a crime so you can get into trouble.
If you are going to use to use the car to go out together with a view to stopping for a picnic or to go for a walk, always make sure that:
- You have something to sit on
- You have the food and drink you need
- You have something to serve the food on and glasses for drinks
- You are prepared
- You do not take her somewhere there are ants, biting insects, or poison ivy
- You are prepared for rain
These may seem very simple things, but failure to consider them shows failure to consider the needs of your partner and act as a bar to increasing intimacy.
Exercise: You and your car
Go outside and look at your car. Is it dirty outside? Is it tidy inside?
Is the seating for your partner clean and the area tidy?
Is there anything your partner likes to have available in the car?
Now clean it inside and out and remove all your trash from all over the seats? Now look at it again and ask yourself is this a better conveyance for my partner.
Say nothing to your partner.
Next time you go out in the car see how she reacts.
It may appear as if the advice given in this section is simple common sense, but that does not mean that you are doing it and it may be that behaviors are irritating your partner in this area of life. At the very least better behavior in public will do you no harm at all, and if it removes common areas of irritation this will help with intimacy in other areas.
For a man who is using the principles of restarting intimacy with male chastity anything that reduces irritation in his partner at his behaviors in any area of life will pay dividends. If she has to worry about his behavior at a party and that he might say or do the wrong things she will be tense and neither will enjoy themselves.
If she sees that he cares for her and is mindful of her by his every action both in private and in public then she will bask in the glow of being loved, and this way leads to increased intimacy. He is much more likely to gain release from his chastity device with a partner who knows that he is doing his best to make things as good for her as possible and will want to share sexually with him all the more.
For a man seeking a relationship it is his behavior in public that shows who he is, and good behavior, and “gentleman like” behavior will impress women that he is “together” and may be so in other areas as well. Coupled with restraint in only being intimate as she wants it, and being careful at times of stress, such as driving someone home for the first time, acting as a gentleman turns the woman into a lady to be seen in her full glory, and she knows it and likes it. Have a dirty broken down car which runs out of fuel, and you will never see the potential partner again. Be mindful of them and show you care and things may develop.
Although the actions you will do in public are much less intimate than in private together, behaviors in public show how much the man is engaged in being mindful to the needs, desires, and aspirations of his partner and doing it right reduces negative behaviors and irritation and this can only have a good effect on the reintroduction of intimacy into a relationship or the introduction into a new relationship.