110 Tantric sex

In the tantric approach to sex and intimacy, keeping still is more important than movement. Tantric kissing involves close contact with the whole of your partner’s lips for long periods, just being together in closeness, breathing together and sensing the presence of the other.

In tantric sex, time becomes unimportant, and the whole period can take hours. Touching and being close to your partner is the key. Touching each other, lubricating each other, and then inserting the penis before it is even fully aroused is the common approach.

The connection at a mental level that comes from the connection of the two bodies physically gives pleasure. Once the penis is inserted into the vagina there is no thrusting, no hard movement, but more a quiet rocking back and forth, which excites both and can lead to orgasm.

The aim for the man is to delay orgasm, and not to strive to do much, rather to enter a state of being. For the woman the aim is to reach a whole body orgasm, and not to concentrate on the clitoris at all. This is all different from normal kissing and sex, where the importance of the clitoris is so great, and this is how most women reach orgasm.

Despite all these differences and the need to study to be able to perform tantric sex, with many books suggesting courses and retreats may be necessary to be able to deliver orgasms to each other, and the other elements of tantric thought which emphasise the magnetic pull of the bodies together, and the need for meditation and lack of emotion, many couples find this approach to sex enlightening. It is an approach which can give greater pleasure to both partners.

Some elements of the approach can also be used in more traditional sex, particularly the emphasis on taking time, and being close to your partner.

Tantric style kissing can be an effective way to relax into the act of kissing and realise the need to kiss so as to give the greatest pleasure to the other.

The emphasis on being connected, with the penis in the vagina and not moving fits with the need to stop hard and powerful movements and to prolong the sex before male ejaculation occurs.

The insertion of the semi aroused penis into the vagina allows those with poor penile expansion, or problems of lack of erection to bond together. The delay in male ejaculation, or even sex without male ejaculation, allows relaxation now that the process of pleasing your partner is the core, and ejaculation is no longer the only goal. This can help with those men who have problems of premature ejaculation, or difficulty in reaching ejaculation. Once such worries are no more they will find that the problems may disappear and will become much less important.

Tantric sex requires a high level of intimacy and intimacy gives pleasure to both.

So experiment with the tantric approaches, see if they work for you and if you want to explore further consider getting a book or taking a course. For a couple practice where they learn to touch, to be close, and to relish every part of each other’s body can do nothing but good, even if some of the philosophy underlying the approach does not appeal or the techniques not work for them.

For many women the lack of involvement in the clitoral stimulation which they know brings them to orgasm is a problem. But there is no reason to use only one method when practicing intimacy in sex if other approaches are also needed.

The aim of both partners should always be to be fully mindful of the other, and to seek pleasure in giving pleasure to them. It may be that you could start with tantric kissing, then cuddling, then oral sex so that the woman has an orgasm, and then move into more tantric themed penetration and take it all from there.

This is something to savor, to enjoy, and to reflect upon, always finding ways to increase the pleasure of your partner and hence your own. For some people this whole approach can be very liberating.

109 Penetrative sex

For the man, penetrative sex often appears to be the only area of intimacy which he considers intimate. But now both partners should have explored so many other ways to share intimacy, and an approach to make the whole of life together a sharing intimate experience.

Media stereotypes affect the way we look at penetrative genital sex just as much as they do for kissing or oral sex. In fiction and in film it is the size of the penis that matters, and the hardness with which it is pushed into the woman. This is not a true or helpful model to use. Once engorged and aroused the penis will be larger than when at rest, but it is not the size that matters, but how you use it. Similarly a hard forcing of the penis as far as it can go can often cause discomfort, and if it hits the cervix, the entry to the womb this is an area where there can be pain. Softer, slower, and quieter entry may be better. Movement needs to be so as to stimulate both partners, and give pleasure for both. There are so many nerve endings at the entry to the vagina, and around the clitoris which can be stimulated, and you need to find the best position to use for penetration and pleasure.

Books and sex manuals all suggest a dizzying variety of positions for penetrative sex, and some of them need you to be so flexible and fit that they may be difficult to hold. It is worth finding positions that are comfortable for both the man and the woman, for then you can take your time and savor each moment you are joined together, and move as one.

Just as with oral sex or any other area of intimacy:

  • Be mindful of your partner and her needs, desires and aspirations
  • Listen to her as she tells you what she wants you to do and how to do it
  • Discover what works for her and gives her pleasure
  • Do not rush and take your time

Again and again it is the way you go about things, and the consideration you give to each other that produces the best result for both partners. So always consider how wonderful it is to be allowed to penetrate your partner and come to orgasm, and thank her for the opportunity. If the man has embraced male chastity and has been living a life without masturbation or ejaculation except with his partner, and may have also been locked up in a chastity device to prevent expansion of the penis the opportunity to have penetrative sex with his partner becomes ever more charged with potential and power.

She deserves to be thanked for allowing the penetration to happen, just as she deserves to be thanked for all the other things she does for you, including providing nice meals, or allowing you to perform oral sex on her. All are intimate and deserving of thanks.

Although most couples will not have discussed the details of what goes on in lovemaking of any sort in the past, discussion in a framework of positivity to thank each other for what went well, and to explore how to make things even better is the way forward. If there were problems, and the man does not feel he has performed for his partner as well as he would wish, then talking of how to make it better will help both the man and the woman.

You need to discover how to give her pleasure in penetrative sex just as you did in oral sex. Then you can relax into it, and there is far less risk of premature ejaculation. If you have made the rule “She comes first” so that you have brought her to orgasm with oral stimulation before any penetration then you will know that you have satisfied her already, so even if the ejaculation is earlier than you would wish both have had pleasure, and you can work on how to make things even better for both of you.

Penetrative sex is one of the ways in which you show your love for each other but it is not the only way.

If she has already reached orgasm from oral stimulation the woman can still reach it again during penetrative intercourse.

Delaying ejaculation, moving quietly and softly, and being guided by your partner gives more pleasure than hard insertion and force.

Both partners need to find out how to please the other, and if the man has embraced male chastity so this is the only time he will ejaculate you both want to make it memorable

In the restart of intimacy, sex either oral or penetrative may be a key to success. But it is only one of the ways in which intimacy is assured. You need to find out what works for you, and at the beginning be led by each other. This is something you do together, so doing it for each other is the best approach to take.

But it is so much better as a part of changing the whole tone of the relationship so that intimacy lies at its heart. If you look at all the opportunities to increase intimacy in this section and all the rest of part 3 of this book, and both are mindful of each other and have a desire to change then intimacy can become the center, and all of life be lived as an expression of intimacy.  

108 Oral Sex for Her

The giving of oral sex to a woman is a splendid way to give her pleasure, but like all skills it needs to be learned, and as the way to give pleasure is slightly different with different women, the need is for the man to learn from his partner.

She knows what pleases her, or she discovers it as he pleasures her, and she can lead him to move and position himself and his mouth to give her the maximum pleasure. Any woman who can reach orgasm with masturbation or a vibrator can reach a clitoral orgasm; she only needs to teach her partner how she wants it for him.

There are a number of very simple issues which need to be addressed

  • A stubbly beard may act like sandpaper and be uncomfortable. Check if you need to be clean shaven.
  • Good mouth and teeth hygiene, and lips without sores or infections are required
  • Make sure both partners are comfortable
  • Take your time, the more you rush the less effective you will be

For the man it is a privilege to be allowed to give oral sex to his partner. It is such an intimate act, and he needs to want to do it. The principles described by Ian Kerner in his book “She comes First” are a good description of the factors that apply.

  • Going down on her turns you on; you enjoy it as much as she does
  • There is no rush! She has all the time in the world; you want her to savor every moment
  • Her scent is provocative to you, and her taste is powerful! It all emanates from the same beautiful essence which is hers
  • Give of yourself seriously, generously, and with your whole heart
  • Be patient, respectful, sensitive, and tender in all your actions
  • Postpone your gratification in the pursuit of mutual pleasure

As in all the areas of intimacy described the same basics apply:

  • Be mindful of your partner and her needs, desires and aspirations
  • Listen to her as she tells you what she wants you to do and how to do it
  • Discover what works for her and gives her pleasure
  • Do not rush and take your time

If you follow these rules then you will be able to deliver her a satisfying orgasm time after time. She will gain pleasure for what you do and you will be pleased you can do this for her.

If you both need assistance in what to do there are a range of books, videos and on line guides just as for so many tasks in life. You can use outside assistance to learn to tie a tie, or to do the cleaning or to iron a shirt, and there are sources to help you with even the most intimate acts as well.

As always practice improves performance, especially if there is reflection afterwards to see how things could be made better.

Some couples find that the use of a vibrator can assist in providing the woman with an orgasm, and here you need to experiment to find out what to do to produce the best effects

It can take a man time to learn how she wants it, but after training and with the desire to please he can bring her to orgasm most of the time, and as she likes it so she will want it often. She comes first is his mantra, and his approach. He wants her to have all the pleasure possible, and to make sex as intimate and pleasurable as it can be.

Because he has been able to be mindful of her needs and desires, and to listen as she has taught him what to do they now work well together, and he can deliver day after day after day. No rush, no pressure, just pleasure and yet more pleasure.

She Comes First
She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman [Kindle Edition]

She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman [Paperback Edition]

107 Her pleasure is YOUR priority

In fiction and the media every woman has an orgasm every time she has sex. In the recent best selling erotic fiction “50 shades of Grey” the orgasm of the heroine is simultaneous with that of the man every time often several times a day. But this is not the experience of most women most of the time. Some women never have an orgasm from penetrative sex, and surveys suggest that only 20-30% of women have regular orgasms when having sex with their partner. Some women can only have an orgasm from clitoral stimulation, and some have never had an orgasm in all their years of sexual activity.

This is often because of the way in which men go about things, rushing forwards to the penetrative part of sex so they can have their orgasm which happens after only 2-3 minutes, not time enough to provide stimulation for the woman. The man often knows no better for his experience has been geared to his pleasure, and he does not know how to please his partner.

For man men orgasm comes from penetration or masturbation, and the practice of masturbation trains them to get a quick response and then orgasm. This is all bolstered by the images they see, the magazines they read, and the whole porn industry.

For some women the only way in which they can gain pleasure is with the aid of a vibrator, either because they can only reach orgasm this way or because their partner does not know how to please them.

In these blog posts I have concentrated on the many ways in which intimacy can be improved, and how it can become part of the whole life. I have deliberately left any consideration of the sexual act itself to later rather than earlier because so many other ways are available to increase intimacy, and can be used to build that intimacy and the process of sharing intimacy.

Few couples talk to each other openly about their pleasure when carrying out overtly sexual acts, so neither knows that the other is not receiving pleasure. Neither does the man realize that there are other ways of approaching sex which will lead to greater pleasure for his partner. Many men are too embarrassed to talk and too embarrassed to ask for help or to admit their failings in performance and consideration for their partner’s pleasure.

By looking clearly at oneself, the failings and limitations of previous experience are accepted. By actively being mindful of your partner, and all the information your senses are giving you, and also bearing her needs, desires, and aspirations in mind constantly the man can see there are areas in which to improve.

The practice of all the exercises I have suggested in previous blog posts and which are only a small proportion of those available from the books “Restart Intimacy” or the course and book “Re-Introduction to Intimacy” give a model to use when approaching the sexual act and how to please your partner. Taking it slowly, identifying areas for improvement together, learning new skills, and above all taking the time and the energy to really listen to your partner and communicate together are the tools to improve what happens.

One factor that helps this along is the practice of male chastity. The man has voluntarily surrendered control of his own penis to his partner, and she has locked it away and decides when it is released. This prevents him practicing masturbation, or even touching the organ, which is locked away beyond reach. He cannot initiate any more, and he cannot penetrate without her permission and action. This means that for probably the first time in his adult life he is denied frequent orgasm and release on his own terms.

Now he has to please her to be allowed release. Being kept voluntarily in chastity he is back in the courtship phase of their relationship, before she allowed him access to more. He can now learn how to please his partner and this time the proof that he is doing so will be that she unlocks him. He is constantly aroused to find ways of pleasing her so this happens.

As the couple have worked through the process of restarting intimacy they will have learned the skills of communication and the man will have learned how to provide intimacy to his partner. He can also learn how best to please her in the sexual acts that bind them together. There is no reason why the woman should be denied pleasure just because her man is locked away and learning what to do. She has had too much time like this when he was unable to give her pleasure and bring her to orgasm Now she can have him stimulate her with oral sex at any time, and he will be receptive to learn how best to please her. There does not need to be equal numbers of orgasms for both partners. She may want to be pleasured to orgasm 10 times for each time he is released, and she will decide when he is competent in giving her pleasure to start the count as well.

The priority for the man should be to provide pleasure for his partner, because that is his desire. Because orgasm for the woman maybe more difficult to achieve and less frequent than for the man the best way about this is to decide that he should do all he can to give her an orgasm first. In most cases this means the use of oral stimulation. SHE COMES FIRST is the best way to ensure that she gets to reach orgasm, and with her pleasure will come his pleasure as well. If she is happy and satisfied then he is more likely to be allowed release and to engage in genital sex which will bring him to orgasm as well.

This becomes a strong incentive for him to learn how to please his partner and to bring her to orgasm. Such positive reinforcement of his behaviors tends to produce a virtuous spiral where he gives her pleasure, and she responds to give him pleasure and orgasm, which pleases him so he becomes even more attentive to her pleasure which feeds into his pleasure as well.

Buy the books now!

restart

RESTART INTIMACY A Unique Approach to Male Chastity (Intimacy and Male Chastity)
Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Unique-Approach-Chastity/dp/1493696319/

Kindlehttp://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Approach-Chastity-Intimacy-ebook/dp/B00GUDSXXC/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1387055479&sr=1-1

wb1

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples: Part 1. Build the foundations making male chastity work for you
Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-foundations-chastity/dp/1494207109/

wb2

Re-Introduction to Intimacy:a Workbook for couples: Part 2: Learn the skills; Become Expert and Fulfilled
Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-couples-Fulfilled/dp/1494217155/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples (Re-Introduction to Intimacy A workbook for couples)
Kindlehttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Couples-workbook-ebook/dp/B00H133E8E/

swb1

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 1: Build the Foundations; making male chastity work for you
Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Foundations-chastity/dp/1494217562/

swb2

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 2. Learn the skills : Become Expert and ready for Intimacy
Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Single-skills/dp/1494217759/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man (Re-Introduction for the single man)
Kindlehttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Single-single-ebook/dp/B00H0VGHYK/

 

 

106 Kissing games and tantric kissing

Exercise: Kissing Games

Try kissing games where one tries to stimulate the other by kissing a part of the body.

Choose a particular part for example the knee or the upper arm or the side of the neck.

Spend time kissing it starting with the softest of kisses, stroking it with your tongue, and trying the effect of deep kisses sucking on the area of skin. Your partner will respond. Watch the response.

Now swap over and the other does the kissing of the same area.

Now discuss how it felt and any particular areas or techniques that were pleasurable.

Tantric Kissing

Learning to kiss tantric style is different. It can be very enjoyable and some women say that they feel tantric kissing is almost more intimate than sexual union itself. Tantric kissing is done with full sustained lip contact, and bringing your full attention to your lips. Focus your whole being on the kiss and the contact between you. Now stay like that with the lips almost fused together in a relaxed sensual fashion. You stay like that breathing in and out through your nose, sharing your breaths, feeling your intimate connection. This kiss can last for minutes or even hours. Tongues are usually not used in tantric kissing, no entry to the other’s mouth, perhaps just a light brushing against their lips.

This all needs practice and will not work if your nose is blocked or you cannot get both of you into a comfortable position in advance. It may take time to learn to relax into a kiss in this way, but when you do the sharing and the experience can be electrifying.

This is something you should discuss in advance, otherwise your partner will not know what you are attempting to do, and not know how you want them to respond. Think about it, try it, you might like it.

As in all forms of intimate contact between yourself and a partner it is not what you do, but why you do it, and how you do it that matters. If you remain mindful of your partner at all times, especially when you are kissing them you will be able to note their response and respond to it in turn, and the whole action becomes ever more intimate.

For the woman the experience of a deeply satisfying kiss is so good and for the man it can be equally so. Regular kissing in the morning on waking, just before sleep, and at all other times you can helps to build the intimacy that both crave from the relationship.

For the man who has embraced male chastity, and whose partner holds his key to release, learning to kiss well and satisfy her in this opens the door to her pleasure and perhaps his release as well. Both satisfied; both feeling a close intimate bonding; both may want to take things further.

Books could be written about how to kiss well and satisfy your partner, books with explicit illustrations to tell you what to do. These can help but what matters most of all is being in tune with your partner, mindful of all her needs, desires and aspirations, and going gently exploring how to give both of you pleasure. This applies not just to kissing and cuddling but to all aspects of your life together as you reintroduce intimacy in all its forms in your adventure into building an intimate life and lifestyle together.

If She wants it the whole of her body is there to kiss and caress.

105 Kissing the feet

The sight of a man bent over, kissing the feet of his beloved is very empowering to the woman. She sees him adoring at her feet, kissing her feet and showering them with lots of little kisses. He will find that so many areas of the feet are sensitive to kisses, particularly the instep and the ankles, and some women like their toes kissed or even sucked by their partners.

The only worries are that the kiss may touch a sensitive area and lead to an involuntary movement so the man is kicked, or that it is too ticklish. Obviously ideally the feet to be kissed are best clean and washed and not too sweaty, but for some the feet are an erotic zone no matter their state.

In cultures where most of the body is covered the ankles are often seen as supremely sexy and kept covered up to prevent exciting men too much. For some kissing the feet is extended to kissing the shoes or boots which cover the feet.

Kissing the feet and ankles can of course often lead onto kissing the calves, legs, and thighs and even higher up as part of an extended love making. Here taking time to enjoy kissing each part in turn and not rushing can give pleasure. Although the sight of a man on his knees kissing his partner’s feet could be taken as a sign of his submission to her, it is also a sign of how he wishes to give her pleasure in every conceivable way, and to show that he loves every inch of her from top to bottom. Such foot kissing can be accompanied by any other care of her feet, a foot rub, massage, or just holding her feet and keeping them warm.

All of this can be such an intimate act, whether done whilst she is resting on the couch, with her feet up on a footstool or even on arrival home in the evening, when kneeling to kiss your partner’s feet show that you are truly there for her and there for her needs and desires.

Encouraged to rise from the kneeling position the man can then be encouraged further to kiss other areas and to become more intimate in kissing and giving pleasure, but kissing the feet can be a good place to start.

Example

Michael has been Mary’s partner for some time, and they tended to greet each other without touching on meeting. Now Michael has discovered that Mary likes to have her feet kissed and touched and for him to kneel before her when he comes home, and to kiss her feet. He stays there at her feet until she tells him to rise, and whilst he is there all the cares of the day slip from him, as he knows where he is and what he is doing.

When she allows him to stand he knows he is truly home, and is free to serve and adore his partner. Sometime she lets him do the same thing in the morning before he goes to work. For her this is pleasure and fun; for him it is a profound and intimate action that shows he puts himself totally before her and that her pleasure is his priority first on arriving home.

Commentary

This has the effect of freeing him for the evening ahead, and even if everything is mundane, that simple act of homage and pleasure has set the tone for their time together. He puts himself in her hands knowing that all will be well, and that he wants to do this, as a sign of his love for her. By accepting it and then getting him to rise and kiss her on the lips she shows her acceptance and love of him in all ways. Together for them this simple act is a celebration of intimacy even though it takes only a few seconds or a minute or two.

You might find it fun to kiss the feet of your partner and She might like it as well as long as you do not tickle her with your kisses. Give it a try!

Buy the books now!

restart

RESTART INTIMACY A Unique Approach to Male Chastity (Intimacy and Male Chastity)
Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Unique-Approach-Chastity/dp/1493696319/

Kindlehttp://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Approach-Chastity-Intimacy-ebook/dp/B00GUDSXXC/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1387055479&sr=1-1

wb1

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples: Part 1. Build the foundations making male chastity work for you
Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-foundations-chastity/dp/1494207109/

wb2

Re-Introduction to Intimacy:a Workbook for couples: Part 2: Learn the skills; Become Expert and Fulfilled
Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-couples-Fulfilled/dp/1494217155/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples (Re-Introduction to Intimacy A workbook for couples)
Kindlehttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Couples-workbook-ebook/dp/B00H133E8E/

swb1

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 1: Build the Foundations; making male chastity work for you
Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Foundations-chastity/dp/1494217562/

swb2

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 2. Learn the skills : Become Expert and ready for Intimacy
Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Single-skills/dp/1494217759/

Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man (Re-Introduction for the single man)
Kindlehttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Single-single-ebook/dp/B00H0VGHYK/

 

104 Kissing the hands

In the past a woman would not allow herself to be kissed on the lips except by the most intimate of friends or even only by her partner. Even kissing on the cheeks was unusual. Kissing the back of the hand was the preferred greeting. The man was expected to bend forward whilst the woman put out the hand to be kissed, and the man would then lightly brush the back of her hand with his lips.

This was a very formal type of greeting, and used in formal occasions still, when a diplomat who is to be presented to the Queen is said to be visiting to “kiss hands” even though it may be more often a handshake that is what actually happens.

Hand kissing has left the mainstream as a way of greeting, so it is now much more available as an intimate way to kiss your partner. There are just so many nerve endings and so many parts you can kiss, and it flows easily form holding hands to kissing hands to more intimate acts.

You can kiss the back of the hand, the tips of the fingers, the fingers and draw one into your mouth to touch with your tongue. You can kiss the palm of the hand or the inside of the wrist. All are possible and you can use them all to be intimate. A simple kiss on the hand can say so much, and be so intimate

Exercise: Hand kissing practice

This may seem a silly exercise, but it is the reason you are doing it, and how you do it that matters much more than what you actually do. You are doing it to discover how to give pleasure to your partner, and to find out what they like you to do, and how they want you to do it.

Sit close to each other and hold hands.

Look at each others hands in silence.

Now kiss your partners hand, holding your lips on the back of the hand for 10 seconds, brushing the tips of the fingers with your lips, kissing the palm , and kissing the inside of the wrist one after another, with a few seconds pause between each site. Now your partner does the same for you.

Afterwards you sit in silent reflection for at least a couple of minutes

Now the woman starts by asking the man what it felt like to have his hand kissed, which may be something that he has not experienced before. Then she described what it felt like for her, and asks what it felt like to do the kissing.

Commentary

This will give both partners and idea of what it feels like and which parts of the hands are most sensitive to touch with the mouth, and further discussion and most importantly practice will allow hand kissing to become yet another way for the couple to be intimate together.