93 Intimacy Exercise: Massage Her Feet

Sit together and discuss how her feet feel when she comes in from work.

Discuss what you can do to help the aches and pains in her feet.

Discuss how she might like you to massage her feet (only feet and ankles, no higher). She decides on oils or creams, and any perfume and provides it.

He supports her feet, anointing them with the oil or cream, rubbing it in, stretching the muscles and the joints, and loosening all the stiff parts.

Take all the time needed with at least 10 minutes per foot.

She guides him as to how she wants it, and how firmly he should press.

Afterwards she asks:

  • What did you think you did well?
  • What did you think you could have done better?

Then she describes how she thought he did well, and how he could have done better and thanks him for the massage. Then they discuss how to do it again next time.

Now she massages his feet, and they repeat the process

To show him how she wants it done for her.


Doing this exercise allows both partners to find out how the other likes to receive a massage and to learn from each other. If they find there are problems they can then access extra information to help them and they work together to improve things. This all makes an intimate process even more so, as they work together to increase pleasure through touch and massage. The result is a couple with comfortable feet, and the irritability that comes from having painful swollen feet at the end of long day is washed away.

If there is foot swelling then the man can make sure his partner has a footstool so she can keep her feet up to reduce swelling, or she can put her feet up on him as they sit on the couch to keep them raised, and to use him as her footstool. He can sit at her feet to provide her with a footstool. There he can caress her feet, and rub them even without the use of massage oil or cream, and help her relax.

92 Massage and Intimacy

Massage has been practiced in the East for millennia, but was introduced into Western Europe and America through the work of Per Hendrik Ling, who studied in China and then introduced the practices of massage into the west. It is a very intimate way to be in touch with your partner, and to help her as well. It is a skill that can be learned, and you can take courses, and attend seminars where you will be shown what to do. For a man on his own, he can practice on his own hands and feet, and partially even on his own shoulders, and discover how to do it properly so it can be available for a future partner.

Massage works through touch on the skin, and deeper pressure and kneading of the muscles beneath the skin. We all tense up our muscles when we are tense, and with many hours sitting at a computer, it is common for all the shoulder and neck muscles to become tense and hard. When we are on our feet all day the feet become stressed, and the wearing of heels only makes this worse. As a result so many of us come home in the evening with tense and stiff muscles, tired and swollen are sore feet, and a feeling of being out of sorts. If this happens day after day the muscles may remain tense and then joints get more difficult to move because of the tense muscles and this makes everything worse and can lead to chronic paid and discomfort.

It is possible to reduce these problems through a variety of methods of which massage is only one. Feet that are sore and swollen from being stood on all day benefit from being raised up, to allow excess fluid to drain away with the aid of gravity. This is what is happening when we put our feet up to relax them.

Muscles that are tense relax in a bath of warm water, so soaking the feet, or having a hot bath to relax both help if you are dehydrated or have drunk an inadequate amount of water during the day then muscles will complain.

Athletes often receive massage immediately after a match or a run to reduce the risk of cramps which may damage their muscles, and often require more specific massage therapy to keep them active and help keep joints mobile. This is usually done by professionals who know what they are doing.

Many people, more often women than men, go to professional masseurs for help with specific problems of strain and stiff muscles. Massage can help. If you have a partner with stiff shoulders or sore feet after standing then learning to massage these areas and help relax them will be seen as something of great value.

Touching some one and massaging them is such an intimate act. Massage can also be applied to other areas than the shoulders or feet, and become ever more intimate. A massage that gradually covers the whole body can include the breasts, buttocks, and thighs, and stroking and massaging these areas is so intimate and can be so pleasurable when done as your partner wishes it that it may often go on to more intimacy and full sex as a result. Of course it may relax your partner so much that all they are able to do is to sleep, leaving the massaging partner awake and aroused.

As in anything intimate, the rules that should apply are clear:

  • You only do it if she wants it
  • You only massage where she wants to be massaged
  • You do it how she wants it to be done
  • If she wants you to stop or to keep to one area only that is what you do.

The act of massage starts by setting up the right environment, where the person to be massaged can be comfortable and relaxed. This means finding somewhere to do it that is convenient and comfortable for them. You might want to give them a massage on the couch but if they cannot get comfortable or worry about the massage oil or cream getting on the fabric covering the couch they will not be happy.

They may want soft lights, and relaxing music, and need the person doing massage to keep quiet whilst they are doing it, to make sure they are not disturbed. They may even want to wear a travel blindfold so they are in the dark to allow them to relax further. Aromatic candles and pleasant odours may enhance the experience further.

One thing that is certain is that the person doing the massage needs to be fully mindful of the person they are massaging. They need to watch them to look out for signs that the massage is causing discomfort. They need to listen to instructions of what to do and where to press and how hard. They need to feel the effects of what they are doing and watch out for pressing too hard, causing discomfort, or increase in tenseness of the muscles.

You need to learn what to do. You can learn from books, for there are many which have pictures of “how to do it”. There are DVDs and videos on “how to do it“ sites as well. If your partner is used to seeing someone professional they may take you along so you can be trained on how to do it, or there are evening classes, seminars, and even residential classes to teach the various forms of massage.

Some things are common to all forms of massage.

  • Position the part to be massaged so it is relaxed with the subject undressed so that area is clear of all clothing, and other parts are covered to prevent them getting cold
  • Make sure the environment is right for the subject
  • Know what part you are going to massage
  • Make sure the surface is clean and the skin is not broken or any infection
  • Find out in advance what oil or cream your partner wishes used
  • Wash your hands and make sure they are not cold, and you do not have any buttons, zips or other things on you which will catch on them. Make sure that your nails are cut short so they do not scratch
  • Now apply some of the oil or cream to your hands and warm it by rubbing your hands together so it is not cold when applied to the skin of your subject
  • Lightly touch the skin area to be massaged to apply the oil or cream and gently rub it into the skin

You are ready to begin. Once you have applied the material to the skin your hands will be able to slide over the surface and not stick, so you should lightly rub them over the whole area to be covered. Once this is done check that your partner is still comfortable with what you are doing. Now start to push against the skin deeper to massage the muscles. Always massage along the length of each muscle group, so that you stretch it and do not cause pain by going against the run of fibers. You should increase the pressure you apply to the muscles according to what your subject says and desires from you.

You can reduce swelling by this method, and it is particularly useful in massaging the feet and lower leg. Once you have relaxed the muscles with the massage you should then start to move the joints to free them up so they can move more easily. For this you move them passively so the subject allows them to move and keeps their muscles relaxed. This allows you to freely move the shoulder blades in shoulder massage, which otherwise get fixed in position by tense muscles or to freely move all the joints in the feet when you are massaging that area. When you do move a joint always make sure that you are supporting it ,so the subject does not have to move a muscle of their own, and your support removes the effects of gravity.

Once you have finished massaging an area to the satisfaction of your partner you may ask if there is anywhere else they would like massaged, and then you need to clear anything you have used away, and to wipe the skin clean and ask if they would like a drink or anything else they might want, which might include a rest or a bath.

This is only a very superficial description of how to massage, so it is vital to find out how to do it properly, both from your partner and from all the other sources as well. Being able to massage feet or shoulders can be so useful to your partner, and is very intimate in its own right that you may both find it a good way to increase intimacy in your relationship. If the man is the person who is giving the massage it may be a good idea for his partner to give him a massage of the area she wants massaging, and show him how she wants it done. The motivation for learning massage is to please your partner, so you need to take all opportunities to find out how she wants it done. You can always practice on your own feet and calves, so when you do it on another you do it right. Practice to do it right. Practice, practice, practice is the message, and check at every stage that you are doing what your partner wants you to do.

91 Massage

Once you have learned how your partner likes to be touched you can begin to learn how to give her a massage. Massage allows you to help her unwind after a busy day and to relax. If her feet are tired and she has been standing around in high heels they will become painful, swollen and stiff. If she has been on her feet all day then the same is true.

You have already been learning how to discover her needs and desires and how to deliver these to give her pleasure. You have learned how to do chores around the home and to treat your partner like the goddess she is. Now is the time to begin to learn how to give a massage. Shoulders get stiff from sitting at a keyboard. The back becomes tense, the feet are sore.

Massage allows all of these areas to be treated but you do need to learn what to do.

Many women have had massage treatments in the past and know what they want. They can train you to do what they need done. They can show you how to do it and know what oils and perfumes they prefer. This is a good opportunity to learn from your partner and learn to do things right for her.

You may be on your own but you can still take courses to learn massage. If you have a partner you can both go off to take instruction. I once took one of my clients with me when I went to have a massage from a professional masseuse so he could be shown what to do and how I wanted my feet massaged. Now he knows what to do and can give me and his partner massages when our feet are sore.

Learning a new skill can be fun and massage is useful and reduces stress and soreness. So learn to give your partner a massage or just learn how to do it so you might be able to make use of the skill in the future.

My book Restart Intimacy has a whole chapter on this subject and the course Reintroduction to Intimacy makes it part of one of the modules. Buy the book and enroll for the course to learn more.

But for massage skills there are many books, many types and many courses and professionals. If you want to learn for your partner you can do it, and she will be so pleased to get a foot massage when she gets home tired.

90 Touch and sound together make life more intimate

In the last few blog posts I have written about touch and sound in your lives. Make use of all options to become more intimate and it will help you in restarting intimacy in your life and re-introducing a sense of wonder.

These exercises and examples are there to help you both think and to aid you in your journey of discovery of each other.

In my Restart Intimacy book and the Reintroduction to Intimacy course, I use a series of exercises and examples to help the man and the woman move forward.

This structured progression helps many people overcome shyness and worry and make the most of this opportunity.

In my supervision of men wishing to be trained to improve their chances of making and keeping intimate relationships I use the same approach. Your external supervisor can help you and point you in the direction of learning the skills you need.

In the recent series of blog posts (61 – 89), many of the examples are taken from my book and course but there is much, much more to find if you get the book and study them with effort.

If you have been following the path I use to restart intimacy you will have first realized your own failings then considered and embraced male chastity and the practice of mindfulness.

Next you will have looked at really practical ways in which you can show you care and reduce irritation in daily life and in the last two groups of blog posts on touch, sounds, and silence, you will have begun to explore ways to bring intimacy into every part of your life. Now you can begin to look at ways to provide far more intimate services to your partner and increase their expectation of pleasure.

Now is the time to make the next step!

Do you dare try chastity to increase your attentiveness to your partner and to increase intimacy between them?

There is more about chastity and its practicalities in the  Restart Intimacy book and the Reintroduction to Intimacy course.

Get a copy today and see how your lives can be changed!

restartRESTART INTIMACY A Unique Approach to Male Chastity (Intimacy and Male Chastity)



wb1Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples: Part 1. Build the foundations making male chastity work for you


wb2Re-Introduction to Intimacy:a Workbook for couples: Part 2: Learn the skills; Become Expert and Fulfilled


Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples (Re-Introduction to Intimacy A workbook for couples)



swb1Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 1: Build the Foundations; making male chastity work for you


swb2Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 2. Learn the skills : Become Expert and ready for Intimacy


Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man (Re-Introduction for the single man)


The Restart Intimacy Store

For lots of great intimate toys, click on this banner to the Restart Intimacy Store!

89 Music and Sounds for Listening

Silence and listening are vital to the health of a relationship but one area where there is often discordance between partners is the choices of music and sound they both like, and this can be an irritation and work against the development of increased intimacy. It is important to explore with your partner what music and sounds they like to hear, and never more than when you are sitting in the car. If one always plays one sort of music loudly that the other hates, they are not being mindful of their partner.

For the single man seeking a partner, pushing themselves forward and being pushy is bad, but so is assuming that everyone likes the same sort of music. As in so many things being mindful is the answer. See how your partner responds to your choices of music. Watch them and see if they are obviously enjoying the music.

Ask them about their favorite music and listen to it with them. Consider whether you both want the radio or television on in the background when you are eating or doing things. Find out what sorts of sounds and music work when you want to be intimate together, and which sorts enhance your experiences.

Talk about it, listen to your partner; take time to consider that their choices are at least as valid as your own.

One way to do this is to try an exercise where you each write down a list of your favorite music and a separate list of what you think is the favorite music, artists and tracks for your partner. Then you can sit down together and swap lists and use this as an opportunity to discover your partner’s real favorites and preferences. This may surprise you both.

Get this right and life becomes better and you move along the path of reintroduction to intimacy in your lives. Get it wrong, and belittle your partner’s choices, or worse laugh at them and you will be in trouble and showing that you are not mindful of her.

Consider this is yet another way to get close to each other, to share and to agree things, and whatever you decide will increase your intimacy and reduce the risk of playing music that will irritate your partner.

88 Intimacy Exercises: Listening and Sound

In previous blog posts I have concentrated on the importance of being mindful of your partner and really listening to them. Here you are using your whole concentration to understand what your partner is saying both in words and in their body language and non verbal cues as well.

Listening requires you to silence the chatter of your own brain, and to free yourself from all the other things you are thinking about and worrying about. You need to relax into a state where you can perceive what your partner is saying and to use all your senses. For you silence is what you need to listen fully so you know what is being said and remember it.

One way to improve in this is to carry out listening exercises which can be quite fun if carried out in a light hearted way, but not helpful at all if they become a reason to score you and score you down. They are there to help you learn to listen, not to show you are not listening, and as you do them you will learn to listen and this will be apparent to your partner.

One of the commonest complaints of women is that there is not enough intimacy in their relationship, but just as common is the complaint that there is no listening.

So learning to listen for the single man who is wishing to be part of a relationship puts him in the minority and most women or indeed anyone will be drawn to someone who actually listens to what they say.

Practicing listening is a good discipline for when there are important things to remember and it can be practiced and you can improve with practice. If you are on your own you can tape a bulletin on the news, but listen and try to memorize what is said. Then check it against your recording. If you have a partner you can have fun playing listening games. As with all exercises, it is not specifically what you do but why you are doing it that matters the most.

Exercise: Explore Silence

Explore the value of silence within your relationship.

Spend time next to each other, holding hands and not speaking.

See how it feels to do the housework together with both doing the work and cleaning each room as a pair not solo, having chosen the music you want to play whilst you are doing it.

Consider the need for silence as part of listening.


If you take time to explore the value of silence in your relationship you will find that it can be very intimate.

Exercise: Listen and Learn

Get together and find somewhere quiet to sit.

The woman then gives the man a list of items from a shopping list to remember, going through them one by one and explaining each item is important. Then there is a 5 minute pause.

The man then repeats as much as he can remember back to his partner, and she checks against the written text she has used. This shows how much he has been listening and how mindful he has been.

Now: The man gives the woman details from a similar list, this time of a different sort, and explains why each item is important. After another pause she repeats this back and he checks against his list.


You will find that neither partner will be that good at this exercise and both of you will forget things; the results will give a good laugh to both.

Both partners will now realize how important it is to listen to the other, and also to write things down, particularly for shopping lists. Confucius, the Chinese sage said:

“The weakest ink is always stronger than the strongest memory”.

The reason for doing this sort of exercise is not to improve the memory but more the value of concentrating when you are listening. This exercise of repeating back what is said to ensure accurate understanding is termed “back briefing” and is used to ensure that messages which are vital get properly understood. This is used when passing orders to the helmsman of a ship as to what course to take; they repeat it back then set the new course. Get it wrong and the ship goes the wrong way, possibly onto the rocks. For shopping lists for the man to go and do the shopping the process is similar, write it down and repeat it back and you will then not get into trouble for getting the wrong stuff.

87 Intimacy Example: Silence is not always golden

Michael had upset Mary, his partner. It had been something trivial, bringing dirt into the flat on the bottom of his shoes, but she took it personally and mentally pushed him away, not speaking to him and keeping an angry silence. He found it difficult to work out what he had done wrong, and she did not want to talk.

From her point of view it was yet another time he had not been thinking of what he had been doing, and joined his other behaviors including leaving half empty cups on the floor where they might spill, and dropping his clothes in a heap in the bathroom where they would be left for her to pick up. She was fed up with all of this, and this little incident produced massive resentment in her and an angry silence. Michael knew he had not been pulling his weight at home, and was being lazy and untidy, but he had not realized it was a big issue. Now he felt cast out and in the silence where he could not get through. Mary did not want to talk or even tell him the problem.

Luckily they had been trying to restart intimacy, and had built up a good communication system, so there was hope. Next time she was sitting on the couch, silently watching the television he slipped to his knees in front of her, and put his head to the floor. Before this he had gone to the kitchen, got dustpan and brush and cleaning things and cleaned the hallway so there was no more marks. He had done this without talking about it at all.

For ages she did not seem even to notice him, but then angrily she asked him what he was doing. His response was to say he was sorry for upsetting her, to ask her to forgive him for bringing in the dirt. Her response was to pour out all her frustrations with all the other things he had not been doing. In the past this would have lead to a row, but now, conditioned by all the changes that had been occurring he was able to keep silent.

Once she had run out of steam he again begged her forgiveness, asked her what she would like him to do now about it, and also whether there was anything he could do for her. The fact that he had acted to clear up the mess he had caused, plus being prepared to change made her happier, so they began to talk about it, and progressed from there.


Luckily he did not retreat into hurt silence when his partner did but made clear by his actions and his contrition that he realized he had offended and she was able to come out of it, to express her anger and to move forward. It is always better to be prepared to talk in these situations than to remain silent.

Admitting you are in the wrong is never easy but is always the best policy if your partner becomes distressed or distant.


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 244 other followers