64 Grooming and Presentation


When you first meet someone with whom you are interested in having a relationship, either intimate or non intimate you always want to look your best. When you are trying to get a job you try to look well groomed and at your best, so this is not used as a reason not to appoint you. Some people only ever wear a suit when they go for job interviews, so it is known as their “interview suit”. This all shows the importance of looking your best.

But once we are in a relationship standards often slip. We may want to lounge around in old and comfortable clothes, and it is difficult for our partners to get us looking our best. This means that if we go out with them we may look more like a sack of old clothes than their partner, and we may embarrass them. This is far less common in women than men, so it is the male partner who is most often the embarrassment.

Similarly when we are courting or seeking to impress a woman we want to look our best, and look, fit , lean, and thin, but later in a marriage we may let ourselves go and develop a large belly, and take little exercise. This all means that we do not look as good as we did for our partner, and the larger we are, the more difficult is intimate activity, and we may also begin to snore loudly when we go to sleep.

The more out of shape we become the more likely we are to be tired when we return home in the evening so we have less energy for our partner and less we can do for her. This can all change, and will be an aid to intimacy.

For any man their appearance and demeanor says a lot about them, and particularly for a man who is not already in a relationship. This includes what they look like, whether they are clean, and whether they smell of body odor or not. It also matters whether they look clean and tidy in their clothes. Simple grooming and tidiness makes a difference.

So consider making sure:

  • You have washed and smell clean
  • You have shaved your face
  • Your clothes are clean and not full of holes
  • Your shoes are clean
  • You look tidy and have brushed your hair.

The man who takes effort to do these things is showing that he cares about his own appearance and does not want to look a mess. If he is in a relationship his partner can see that he cares for her, as he takes the trouble to look OK and if not potential partners can see that he can look after himself and knows about basic cleanliness.


  • Face washed
  • Hands clean
  • Hands washed on coming into the home to clean off dirt

Consider the effect on a partner or potential partner of seeing you with an unshaven face full of bristles. You may think it looks romantic and cool but they are not going to want to kiss a face covered in itchy and rough stubble and strip the skin off their face, and most particularly they are not going to want you to have the effect of rough sandpaper on their most tender places. Make sure you have a good razor and make use of it, not just once in the morning, but when you get home, or are going out for the evening and you want to look OK for her who might be prepared to kiss you or let you get intimate

Think of what you look like in your clothing. Many men married for years prefer to wear a favorite sweater or tea shirt when relaxing, wearing it until it is not just worn out but little more than a rag. If you go out with your partner looking like that you will be a severe embarrassment, and your chance of intimacy after you get back is going to be less.

Take this approach and your partner will know you are taking an effort for them. Potential partners will not be put off by how you look.

Make sure:

  • You are properly shaved
  • You are clean and tidy
  • Your clothes are clean and not worn out.

You may think that this is all obvious, but just look at some of the people you may see in the street or at parties, and be mindful of what will please or irritate your partner or put off a potential partner.

This may not be such a big thing, but showing that this is an area in which you can shape up, and improve your behaviors for your partner does show commitment and will reduce embarrassment, and so allow intimacy to develop in other areas.

Other ways to show you are attentive


When you see someone slouching in their chair with their legs spread out in front of them, or leaning against the wall oblivious to the appearance they are showing, that is someone who looks as if they are not concentrating on the person in front of them. The body language screams, “I am not interested in you enough to pay attention to you” even if this is not the case.

If you stand bent over, you seem smaller than you are, and you cannot look anyone in the eye. In the military or police or other uniformed organizations the person is expected to be in a clean uniform, and to stand straight, chest out , stomach in, and to attend to who is there in front of them either giving them orders, or listening to them. Although there is no need to require a military posture from anyone not in uniform, where slouching is taken as denigrating the uniform they wear, standing straight so you can look someone in the face when they are speaking does show that you are concentrating on them, and are attentive to them.

Your posture shows that you are giving attention to what is being said, and is in itself an important part of listening. Your audience knows that you are awake, and concentrating on what they say.

Sitting up, and not slumped down with the legs out in front all over the place means that your partner is less likely to trip over you as she goes past and you are not taking up all the space on the floor.

Just like looking clean and tidy standing tall and sitting straight shows you are engaged with the person you are talking to.

Remember to:

  • Stand straight
  • Look the person in the eye
  • Sit up straight
  • Do not slouch
  • Look tidy and do not take up all the space.

Think about weight issues

Remember that if you turn from a fit young thing to a large mound of fat with excess weight you no longer look as good as you used to, so keeping your weight down and exercising regularly makes you look better and will remove a source of irritation.

Listen to your partner

One of the important factors in making sure that you are clean and tidily dressed is that to be anything else demeans your partner, who may have gone to considerable effort to look their best, and that this can irritate them. If you are going to look good, and then show that you are not paying any attention to what they are saying then you might just as well not be there, and for a man not in relationship failure to listen to a potential partner is so easily picked up and acts as a “turn off” at almost light speed.

Be organized

If you have gone to the effort of taking your partner or a potential partner out to a meal, and made sure that you are clean and tidy, apparently listened to what is being said, but have no idea to how to get where you are going, and have forgotten the tickets to the concert you will be in the dog house, and lack of intimacy will be your place. So be organized, not so much that everything has to happen in the way you have decided, but at least so you know where you are going, and how to get there.

Be prepared

When you are a single man, and you are seeking a relationship, you may find yourself inviting a potential partner to your place for a drink or a chat. If the place looks a complete mess, and looks as if it has never been cleaned then you will have shown yourself to be disorganized and things will only go downhill from there.

Make sure that your car is clean and tidy, and anywhere of yours you take the person is the same.

For someone already in a relationship it is so common to go out for the evening in a car that is a complete mess, dirt and mess on the seats, so that a new dress is damaged and the partner reaches where you are going in more a rage than anything else.

Consider if it might rain, and make sure you have an umbrella to protect the new hair arrangement on which your partner has spent hours in making fine. Make sure you have money for a taxi if it is going to be needed

Do not look like an idiot

If you go out with a partner and meet people, or are seeking to impress a potential partner there are so many ways in which you can look stupid. If you do not know your partner’s interests and preferences or if you attempt to show you are interested in something of which you know nothing you will be found out.

If you are seeking to find a partner make sure you do know what is going on in the world, and be up to date. You should not use your knowledge to show off, but be ready to discuss a wide range of issues both those in the news and others. However if you have not found out your partner’s position on something contentious you may find yourself in trouble.

Show courtesy

Courtesy to the person you are speaking to shows that you are considering them as a true person, not just someone to talk to. Getting them a drink, making it possible for them to sit down by finding them a space to sit, opening doors for them, all these are signs of courtesy which show how you value them. Even so little a thing as opening a door for your partner shows you care and is a very intimate act.

Clothing and appearance

If you have a partner it is always a good idea to find out how she would like you dressed for any occasion. She knows better than yourself how good you can look when properly dressed and cleaned up, and if you look good it shows her up in a good light as well. If you are seeking a partner you want to be dressed in clean clothes, chosen to fit, and to blend in with those around you. You may think you would look good if you stand out form the crown but it is more likely that you will stand out more like a sore thumb and not draw people to you but drive them away.

Consider before you go out with your partner:

  • Have I washed and shaved and used antiperspirant?
  • Do I know where we are going and how to get there?
  • Do I know who we are meeting?
  • Do I have tickets for the show?
  • Do I look OK?
  • Am I ready to be attentive when I am there?
  • Is there anything else I need to know?

Take this approach and you will appear as your partner wants you to look. There will be fewer arguments and you will be giving her pleasure. She can see you care.

Examples where grooming and clothing matter

Michael and Mary had been married for 6 years. On return home Michael always put on the same sweater because it was comfortable and over time it got more and more ragged. If they went out sometime he forgot to take it off, despite the fact that he had other clothes he could wear. Mary got more and more irritated with him until one day she took his sweater and cut it into little pieces in front of him, to stop him looking such a mess and not considering her feelings on going out with a man in a sweater with holes in it.

He was appalled as he had not realized how much he had upset her, and got angry. Not a good moment, and handled badly so ever after he was always being reminded about the sweater which though small incident acted as poison to the relationship.


Mary and Michael were together for years, and both put on extra weight over that time. Then Mary developed high blood pressure and was advised to diet and lose weight. She persuaded Michael to go on the same diet, and they both lost weight.

Her blood pressure came down and she did not need tablets after all. He lost 14 pounds (1 stone) in weight and felt great, feeling himself more fit, less tired and much younger. Both liked the new bodies they had become, and this worked to allow them to look at each other anew and refresh their relationship and intimacy.


Here are some ideas for ways in which grooming and deportment can help increase intimacy and reintroduce intimacy and improve a relationship. Much of what I have written about above is as applicable to men who want a relationship as to those already in a relationship, to prevent them falling into common pitfalls which blight their chances of attracting someone.

For those already in a relationship it is difficult to understate the importance of these factors in irritating a partner, who spends time and effort looking her best for the man, disregarded by someone who is a slob who cannot even look after themselves. Here the main benefit is in reduction in irritation and thus more opportunity for intimacy as a result.

Here are some other options concerning grooming and presentation that pay dividends as they show that the man is mindful of their partner:

  • He should ask her how she wants him to look
  • They should discuss the needs for fitness and exercise for both of them
  • They should discuss weight issues for both of them addressed together (If they diet and exercise together this can draw them close and improve intimacy)
  • They can discuss how his hair should be cut as she wants it, and similarly her hair done the way he likes it , and when she knows he needs a haircut
  • He should check he is showing attentiveness in his posture, and seek support in improving it
  • He should always be positive in telling her when she is looking particularly good and she should do the same for him.
  • He should check when his clothes are worn out and need throwing away or sent to the dry cleaners, ideally before she feels she needs to make an issue of it.

These exercises will have the effect of preventing irritation and the reduction in intimacy that follows. This is particularly important if the man has already embraced male chastity and is dependent for any release upon his partner. Anything that irritates her may not lead to the desired outcome for him.

63 An Intimacy Diary

At the same time as you are having all your chats and discussions with your partner, there is also a value of having an individual “intimacy diary” in which you can individually and privately record your hopes and fears. This will act to give you a hard record of your successes, and writing it will remind you of the journey you are taking. Recording your fears will allow you to confront them and because it is so personal and private you will be able to put down your deepest thoughts.

This means that you are not hiding anything but doing things together; but you still have your own private space, but you are using it and your intimacy diary to focus yourself on the desire and need to develop, and to reintroduce intimacy into your lives.

Write something every time you have one of the discussions or do one of the exercises, but keep it private.

Now it is time to move forward, to start the next section of the course and to embrace the practical, using the practical ideas and exercises to fuel your discussions and life together to all a true restart to intimacy which will take intimacy into every area of your life.

Do not panic. These are all small steps which can be taken relatively easily, but the overall effect is to make bigger areas of change in behaviors and actions, all fueled by mindfulness and care. Even the longest journey starts with a single step.

So my advice to couples or individuals is to use these sections to explore what you can do together and above all to enjoy yourselves and have fun. Not all of the potential options will apply to everyone, and some ideas may not appeal to one of other in a partnership. No matter. Concentrate first on the ones you both like, and make them part of your intimacy lifestyle. Some people will like some ideas, but to others some of the suggestions, such as living a day handcuffed to each other may not appeal. Others will love the unexpected closeness as everything, and I mean everything, is done together.

If you have an idea and your partner does not like it, do not be pushy, but listen to what is said and how it is said as well. Be mindful of her needs, desires and aspirations, and look for the things you can do together.

Be courageous, as some of the ideas may be new, or push you outside anything you have ever done before. You may never have had any experience of massage, or realized that you needed to look hard at your appearance, or to embrace the idea of providing a cup of tea in bed to your partner, but there is much to enjoy.

The more you enjoy yourselves, the more you will communicate this joy to each other, and the better and more intimate the relationship.

The only definite orders to anyone using this book to restart their life of intimacy and to grow into a life where there is intimacy in everything are:

  • Think about intimacy
  • Be mindful of your partner’s needs, desires, and aspirations
  • Listen and be open
  • Have courage to start to change
  • Have fun and enjoy yourselves

Then you will build a new and intimate partnership, and your reintroduction to intimacy will be a success!

62 An intimacy example

If the man wishes to provide a pedicure for his partner or to be allowed to apply nail polish to her toe nails, he may need to be trained both in what to do and how she likes it done. She has said she wants it; he has agreed to do it. Now he has shown willingness to learn and change and the result is that she has well trimmed and painted nails that she likes to see, and she feels good. No one but them know he did her nails, so when they go out this is an intimate secret between them, and an increased bond of intimacy.


It is not always what is done that matters, but the way in which it is carried out, and the reason why it is carried out. In all of this part of the book and course there are a number of potential options to consider for each area studied. There is no specific value in working through each section line by line, and then moving to the next. It may be more fun to dip in and out of the sections in your discussions, and choosing the things you want to try as aids to help develop and redevelop intimacy.

In many ways the greatest part of the intimacy comes from the open discussion and agreements, with each knowing that the other values them and is truly mindful of them and listening.

If the man has already embraced the twin pillars of my restart intimacy strategy of male chastity and mindfulness he will already be well set up to put his efforts into pleasing his partner and reintroducing intimacy into his life by all methods possible. He will be kept in such a state of arousal and interest in his partner that he will show that he truly does want to learn to please her in every way and this will guarantee success.

For the single male not in a relationship study of each of the following sections, an contemplation of each of the areas will help him to see ways in which he can present himself better and behave in such a manner as to attract women to him. By his behaviors he will allow himself to see where he needs to learn, and begin to build the intimate relationships he desires.

He can be helped by a coach or external supervisor and if You contact me I can help to put you in touch with someone to help who can communicate with him by email and via Skype, and show him areas in which he can improve, and also provide information on other sources which he can use to improve his skills.

Always remember that for many if not most men, knowledge and skills to please their partner are in short supply, so in the skills and attitudes detailed below there is bound to be something for everyone, no matter how accomplished they may be .

It is always better for the man, to assume that he has a lack of knowledge and skills, and to seek support in improving because this does show in a practical way how much he cares for his partner, and demonstrates his commitment to increasing intimacy and pleasure.

It is in the repeated use of the exercises to improve communication, and to show he cares and is mindful that he will learn, so try not to go too fast, and to flip from one issue to another before there has been real progress, but enjoy rebuilding intimacy within all the areas covered by this part of the book to the pleasure of both partners.

61 Build on the Foundations

The first book of the course Re-introduction to Intimacy and the first part of the book Restart intimacy will have taken you through the exploration of how intimacy has worked in your life, the use of male chastity to arouse and stimulate intimacy and service, and the use of mindfulness to learn the needs, desires and aspirations of your partner or of another.

If you are on your own you will have discovered you need a supervisor and mentor to help you, and such an external mentor can also help couples grow through this process (click here to send email to Sierra Parker).

This was all about building the foundations you can use to develop a life of intimacy in everything you do. Now you need to look at new ways of looking at mundane things in life to make them intimate.

The core of this is to apply the principles of being mindful to all areas of your life. It is a process of thinking about how you can be more intimate, thinking of the other and their needs, desires, and aspirations, and having the courage to be intimate with them. As a result both partners will experience the joy of increasing intimacy, even in the mundane, and have fun. The whole process of increasing intimacy in a relationship, and particularly the use of the process of a restart to intimacy with the introduction of male chastity, followed by a restart can be seen as something very “heavy” and profound, and indeed the feelings will be generated in both partners by this process will be very intense and will change them in ways they will not have expected.

This sounds very serious, and indeed the changes may be serious changes, as a man sees his partner in a whole new light, and begins to concentrate upon her. But it should also be seen as something enjoyable, as partners discover more about each other, in communicating together and find pleasure in all their contacts.

So the message is clear:

Think intimacy
Be Intimate
Have fun

In the last part of the book and the course the emphasis was on listening to the other, and being mindful of all the clues to what they are thinking, really look at them, really listen, and take time to do this. Nothing has changed and the same approach applies here.

First both partners should think of an area of intimacy they want to explore, and think individually of their experiences in this area. They should think on their own of what they have done well, and areas where they may not have been as attentive to each other as they cold have been. They should try to visualize some element in this area where they think the other may have needs, desires and aspirations, and then they should stop.

Now they should set aside time, and arrange that this time is not disturbed, and sit together, perhaps holding hands, or sitting close together. In advance they should have agreed the area of intimacy they wish to discuss.

First the man should ask the woman what area of activity she wants to discuss, and listen with all attention to what she has to say. Then there should be a pause before any response. The man should then respond with his positive comments, on what she has said. No negative comments at this stage.

Now he should have his say, commenting on how her ideas fit with his ones, and any ideas on how they can make this real and realize it in their lives. She should then respond with her ideas on practicality, and this should lead to a discussion.

Even if the issue is very small the use of a pause after the discussion for ideas to come together and for both partners to sleep on it is good. So then the next morning or within 24 hours they should set aside time to revisit the discussion and make decisions on what they are going to do.

It may be that either or both partners will need to seek more information and knowledge, and especially where it is an issue of the man giving pleasure to the woman with massage, or touch, or oral sex, information and training may be required.

This is the same sort of approach I have suggested for all the exercises in my course and book By using the same template and approach it should be something that both partners are used to and feel happy with a they approach concrete ways to improve intimacy for them.


Buy the books NOW!

restartRESTART INTIMACY A Unique Approach to Male Chastity (Intimacy and Male Chastity)


Kindlehttp://www.amazon.com/RESTART-INTIMACY-Approach-Chastity-Intimacy-ebook/dp/B00GUDSXXC/wb1Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples: Part 1. Build the foundations making male chastity work for you

Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-foundations-chastity/dp/1494207109/wb2Re-Introduction to Intimacy:a Workbook for couples: Part 2: Learn the skills; Become Expert and Fulfilled

Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-couples-Fulfilled/dp/1494217155/ Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples (Re-Introduction to Intimacy A workbook for couples)

Kindlehttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Couples-workbook-ebook/dp/B00H133E8E/  swb1Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 1: Build the Foundations; making male chastity work for you

Paperbackhttp://www.amazon.com/Re-Introduction-Intimacy-Workbook-Foundations-chastity/dp/1494217562/swb2Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 2. Learn the skills : Become Expert and ready for Intimacy


Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man (Re-Introduction for the single man)


The Restart Intimacy Store

For lots of great intimate toys, click on this banner to the Restart Intimacy Store!

60 Intimacy in everything you do

Later posts and sections of both the  Restart Intimacy book and volume 2 of  the Reintroduction to Intimacy course. cover more intimate matters including how to ensure your partner gets the orgasms she deserves.

The more pleasure you give your partner the more she will be likely to free you from the chastity device and give you pleasure in equal measure or even more.

These sections include:

  • Touch
  • Silence and sound
  • Massage
  • Personal care
  • Kisses and cuddles
  • Her pleasure comes first
  • Putting it all together

Whether it be the pleasures of tantric sex or learning to give each other a relaxing massage or to just sit quietly together enjoying each others company, there is so much to learn and so many ways to make life more intimate.

Do you dare start the process?

Do you have the courage to be open and vulnerable?

Are you prepared to be mindful and to think of your partner first?

Are you ready to learn new skills?

Then you can have the most wonderful intimate life together or if you are still waiting to begin you can learn the skills that will make you unusual, irresistible, and someone whom a woman will want to know better.


restartRESTART INTIMACY A Unique Approach to Male Chastity (Intimacy and Male Chastity)



wb1Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples: Part 1. Build the foundations making male chastity work for you


wb2Re-Introduction to Intimacy:a Workbook for couples: Part 2: Learn the skills; Become Expert and Fulfilled


Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples (Re-Introduction to Intimacy A workbook for couples)



swb1Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 1: Build the Foundations; making male chastity work for you


swb2Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man: Part 2. Learn the skills : Become Expert and ready for Intimacy


Re-Introduction to Intimacy: a Workbook for the Single Man (Re-Introduction for the single man)


The Restart Intimacy Store

For lots of great intimate toys, click on this banner to the Restart Intimacy Store!

59 Some areas to be covered next

If you make the changes described so far in the way you live, you can begin to look at how to bring intimacy into every area of your lives.

There will be things to change and skills to learn. In the next series of posts, I will show you how to bring intimacy into your life.

 These include:

  • Skills for Intimacy
  • Intimacy Exercises
  • The use of an intimacy diary
  • Grooming and self presentation and intimacy
  • Intimacy in private
  • Intimacy in the home
  • Intimacy in the way you behave in public

In each chapter of the book and each module of the course you will be introduced to lots of different ways to increase intimacy evening the most mundane activities.

It is all based on open discussion and good communication, mindfulness and wanting to make a change for each other.

These posts will give you a taste of what is there and point you in directions you may not have considered to be involved in intimacy.

Even talking out the trash so your partner knows it is always going to be done is an intimate act and reduces tension and gives time for more time together.

And there is more!

Restart Intimacy Book Review

This review was sent to me by a reader who also contacted me for services and has given permission to share it.   

- Sierra


July 1, 2014

Hi Ms Parker,

After 7 years together and two kids, the intimacy in my marriage had just about disappeared.   Work, kids, housework, house projects, TV, and the internet took up all of our time and energy. We had not made our relationship a priority. Also, I found it easier to get sexual relief from masturbation rather than to make an effort to get intimate with my wife.  Now, I need to change that and save my marriage.

While searching the internet for ways to improve intimacy in my marriage, I discovered your book, Restart Intimacy on Amazon.com. So, I ordered it and read it immediately to determine if it was something that would work for me and also if I could share it with my wife.

Thank you for writing this awesome book!  It is just what I need. Here are my thoughts about the book.

In Part 1 on intimacy, I can really relate to the factors that either aid or hinder intimacy.  The self examination exercises have helped me understand where I need to improve.

Based on the description of the restart process in Part 2 , I accept the need to change and I am willing to use male chastity to do so. Additionally, I think the exercises will be really helpful for us to become more mindful of each other’s concerns, needs, and desires. The example of Michael and Mary’s intimacy being restarted was very encouraging.

The intimacy exercises in Part 3 look like they could start to produce much needed intimacy in our relationship.  My wife will really enjoy more cuddling and she might get a thrill from nightly feet kissing.  I can’t wait to live a life of intimacy while making her pleasure my priority!

I like your advice in Part 4 to talk about the book with your partner and contact you if you want advice or help.

My wife is pretty open minded about most things and willing to try some things at least once.   However, she is a fiery redhead with quick Irish temper.  I love her passion but I don’t want to upset her.

Unfortunately, I am also fearful about sharing these ideas with her. What if she rejects the restart intimacy process?  Or, what if she really gets it?  This could be a case of “be careful of what you wish for, you might just get it”!  If she rejects it, maybe we could go on as if nothing happened, but then we would still be living with little to no intimacy!

So, Ms. Parker, I am asking you to help me prepare to introduce your book and the restart intimacy process to my wife for the greatest chance of success.  I can pay for a weekly consultation.  I also plan to order your Reintroduction to Intimacy course workbook for couples. Thank you very much.


Dennis K.





Re-Introduction to Intimacy: A Workbook for Couples (Re-Introduction to Intimacy A workbook for couples)



Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 223 other followers