104 Intimacy Exercise: Kissing the Hands

In the past a woman would not allow herself to be kissed on the lips except by the most intimate of friends or even only by her partner. Even kissing on the cheeks was unusual. Kissing the back of the hand was the preferred greeting. The man was expected to bend forward whilst the woman put out the hand to be kissed, and the man would then lightly brush the back of her hand with his lips.

This was a very formal type of greeting, and used in formal occasions still, when a diplomat who is to be presented to the Queen is said to be visiting to “kiss hands” even though it may be more often a handshake that is what actually happens.

Hand kissing has left the mainstream as a way of greeting, so it is now much more available as an intimate way to kiss your partner. There are just so many nerve endings and so many parts you can kiss, and it flows easily form holding hands to kissing hands to more intimate acts.

You can kiss the back of the hand, the tips of the fingers, the fingers and draw one into your mouth to touch with your tongue. You can kiss the palm of the hand or the inside of the wrist. All are possible and you can use them all to be intimate. A simple kiss on the hand can say so much, and be so intimate.

Exercise: Hand kissing practice

This may seem a silly exercise, but it is the reason you are doing it and how you do it that matters much more than what you actually do. You are doing it to discover how to give pleasure to your partner, and to find out what they like you to do, and how they want you to do it.

Sit close to each other and hold hands.

Look at each others hands in silence.

Now kiss your partners hand, holding your lips on the back of the hand for 10 seconds, brushing the tips of the fingers with your lips, kissing the palm , and kissing the inside of the wrist one after another, with a few seconds pause between each site. Now your partner does the same for you.

Afterwards you sit in silent reflection for at least a couple of minutes.

Now the woman starts by asking the man what it felt like to have his hand kissed, which may be something that he has not experienced before. Then she described what it felt like for her, and asks what it felt like to do the kissing.

Commentary

This will give both partners and idea of what it feels like and which parts of the hands are most sensitive to touch with the mouth, and further discussion and most importantly practice will allow hand kissing to become yet another way for the couple to be intimate together.

103 Kisses

For many men, kissing and sex are the only things they have considered as intimate. I hope that these blog posts and your reading of my book and course will have shown you that this is not the case and that intimacy comes from everything in your life.

Even though so many things can give intimacy, kissing a partner is still one of the most intimate things you can do. Here are some ideas.

We have all been kissed, in greeting, in parting, and as a more intimate action as well. We learn to apply our lips fleetingly to the cheek of a favorite friend, or to air kiss the air close to them but not touching. In many societies failure to exchange kisses on meeting someone is taken as an insult, and this applies just as much to men as women. Here it is not “sexual” kissing but a kiss of recognition and no more.

Most of us have also experienced more sexually charged kisses, often no more than the brush of the lips on ours, but if it is first kiss with someone we are attracted to even a fleeting contact may feel so intimate. Some kisses are so close that the whole mouth is involved, with tongues darting into the other’s mouth.

Some of these were so exciting, but others felt horrible, with a tongue invading where it was not wanted, or a kiss from someone whose mouth and lips tasted as if they were foul, bad breath, poor dental hygiene and too much pressure. This is definitely a turn off rather than a turn on and feels more like a violation than an intimacy.

There are so many parts of the body which can be kissed; indeed the whole body can be used to show your love and adoration. Mostly people concentrate upon the lips or may kiss the genitals as part of oral sex, but miss out on so many areas of the body.

Before you kiss your partner, or indeed anyone there are some very simple considerations which are often forgotten. You should make sure that your lips are clean and not cracked or infected with cold sores or any other skin infection.

You want to make sure that your mouth is clean and your teeth are clean also, otherwise the person you kiss may not really taste you just the food you had to eat several hours ago. Dental hygiene is essential, for if your teeth are rotten and your gums infected you will taste foul, and your breath will smell in addition. If you have been eating onions or lots of garlic or spices the taste will be in your mouth and in your breath for hours afterwards. If someone is close enough for you to kiss and you have bad breath or a bad body odor you will repel them.

These may seem to be such obvious issues which can be so easily dealt with, but they are often forgotten, and forgetting these sorts of things is enough to put your partner off any intimacy with you. For a single man who seeks a relationship having a clean mouth with fresh breath and clean lips is a situation which will not repel potential partners, but any failure in this area will drive people away so fast.

For a man in a relationship who is seeking to restart in his relationship these are stumbling blocks which are so obvious, but the partner may not feel they can mention them due to embarrassment.

So the message is clear; be prepared with a clean mouth and fresh breath before you try to initiate a kiss. In addition find out if your partner wants you clean shaved or not. A stubbly beard may look romantic, but can have the consistency of sandpaper, and if you are potentially going to be kissing sensitive areas then you need to know how she wants you, clean shaven or not.

Kissing the lips and face

Social kissing on greeting someone is usually on the face not the lips, but if you know someone well then a kiss on the lips may be what they like. Find out what someone expects and do it. If greeting means just shaking hands then a kiss on both cheeks may seem too intimate. If cheek kissing is expected then shaking hands will seem like far too little.

If you do kiss on the lips be guided by the person you are kissing and the environment. If you are in public then a passionate long kiss may not be appropriate whereas a soft touch on the lips may be what is wanted. If you are in private and it is a “first “ kiss then the same is also true, and if you are pushy and press tightly against their lips and try to stick your tongue in their mouth the person you are kissing may not like it. As always be mindful of what you are doing and the person you are doing it with and be lead by them.

Even if you are kissing them passionately, hard pressure, or constant movement, or tongues going in and out of their mouth, may not be what they want. It looks all very well in films and the media and in fiction, but a slow soft prolonged kiss with your lips touching theirs for a minute of more may be more erotic than all the movement and touching them with your tongue.

Be lead by your partner, and never more than when you are thinking of using your tongue. Be lead by them, and let their tongue enter your mouth first before you risk invading their private space.

Make all the movements delicate and not forceful, and see what happens and how the person you are kissing behaves. If they want more action they will show it by the way they behave, and you can suit your actions to what they indicate they want. If you are the person who has just been given a passionate kiss, and it was good, let them know it was good and you want more. As the recipient of the kiss you should have control and indicate how you want it to develop.

Kissing your partner or a friend should be good for both of you, unforced, natural and pleasure for both. Think first and do not assume you know how to be good at kissing. The person who is best at it is the person who pays attention to their partner in the kiss.

102 Cuddles and Intimacy

For nearly all of us one of our strongest memories is being cuddled by a parent.

When things went wrong, and we fell and grazed our knees, or anything happened that distressed us the answer was usually a cuddle. The feeling of being held, supported, and cuddled gave us the knowledge that there was love and support for us, and being held in the strong arms of our parents made us feel safe. Crying with distress a cuddle “made it all better” and repeated so often over the years it gave us the knowledge that we were loved and would be supported no matter what the issue. The unconditional love of parents and the cuddles they give tend to be so connected in our minds that the effect of a cuddle is almost instantaneous. So often you see children who have fallen, and started crying, stop the crying almost instantly when they are given a cuddle.

For the adult, cuddles form a far smaller part of our lives, though a hug from a friend if we have problems gives the same messages. In a relationship touch is so important, and cuddling up together still has the same effects on us as it did when we were young. It shows the care of our partner, and that we are supported and loved. That is why it is all so intimate, and is an activity to be carried out as much as possible to bind us together.

Sometimes cuddling arouses, so can go on to form part of the foreplay of sex itself, but cuddling alone, with no intent to proceed is still a very valuable way to be intimate. Cuddles tended to be a regular part of life as a child, even if there were no problems or distress, and they need to become the same in any fully adult relationship as well.

Cuddling closely in bed is good and very intimate, fitting your body around that of your partner so your front is totally against her back or vice versa. This is termed spooning, but to be able to go to sleep curled around your partner and able to feel her movements as she breathes is such an intimate act. Often during the night both partners will turn over, so although you may start with your front against her back, you may wake with her front against your back and you will both have turned over whilst asleep.

If you wake in the night you know that your partner is there for you, and if she has a frightening dream or starts to move you will know it. There is little to beat waking in the morning cuddled up against your partner after a good night’s sleep.

There may of course be problems, if either of you cannot move easily, or if one suffers from insomnia, or if one of you gets so hot that you are too hot to be so close. If it is cold outside cuddling keeps you both warm, but if it is very hot it can become too much of a good thing. All the more reason not to have too many bedclothes, or to keep the bedroom too hot.

Cuddles are not just for the night time of course. If you are sitting quietly together watching television or listening to music, touch holds you together, and cuddling does so even more. When one of you comes in from work tired and distressed. After a bad day a hug shows you care, and has “the cuddle effect”.

Cuddles are an important part of your life together and it is worth talking about this especially if your relationship has become less tactile, and cuddling has become less common. It does not need to be full body contact either. For the man to provide a soft abdomen to act as a pillow for his partner whilst she rests, or to sit so close that you are touching legs, torso and arms, and holding hands may have the same effect.

Cuddling is a close and intimate form of contact between you and your partner. Cuddles are not just for children but adults need them too.

101 A Personal Care Example

Michael and Mary have developed a number of ways is which they can be intimate together and providing levels of personal care for her. When the alarm goes he always gives her a kiss and before he leaves the bed checks if there is anything he should be doing for her that day. If she gets up first to use the bathroom he makes the bed and puts the kettle on to boil.

On Saturdays when there is time if he gets up first, he will run her bath and make the bed and start breakfast whilst she is having her bath. He has offered to wash her back or dry her, but she does not want it, preferring to be private in the bathroom.

When he goes off to work in the morning he makes sure her place for breakfast is set and there is adequate water in the kettle. She likes to make her own tea but for him to make her coffee when she wants it.

In the evenings she likes to put her feet up on him, and for him to rub her feet, but rarely wants a massage. At bed time he makes sure her bed is turned down and ready for her, and his clothes for the morning are already taken and out of the bedroom to reduce any noise or bother in the morning if he is leaving first.

He has offered pedicure or painting her nails, and she has declined, but she likes him to kneel at her feet and cut her toe nails. He takes the dirty laundry to the washing machine, and puts away his own laundry once washed, folding hers but not putting it away. She does her own delicates.

Commentary

There are so many ways in which these sorts of thing add to their life of intimacy. It is special to them and it is the way things have developed, but Michael is always on the look out for ways he can spoil her, including putting fresh rose petals in her bath when he has run it for her, or simply handing her the paper for her to choose which part she wants first.

This works for them, but something different might work for others.

100 Personal Care and Service

Most women love to be spoiled and pampered, and so a man who can do things to pamper his partner is giving her pleasure and doing something useful as well.

Many women have tired and painful feet by the evening and would love to have some pampering when they get home. They could go to have a pedicure, or a foot massage professionally, but a man who can take the effort to learn what to do can provide this at home.

Here are some ideas:

  • Wash and sponge her feet clean from the day (you may be allowed to kiss them)
  • Learn how to massage her feet to relieve tension
  • Learn how to give her a pedicure
  • Learn how to paint her toenails the color she desires
  • Be her footstool or sit so she can put her feet up on you on the couch
  • Dry her after her bath or shower with fresh towels
  • Help her undress or dress

These are only a few ideas but you can see from the type of things I have put here that there are so many ways in which you can give her a personal service and give her pleasure. Remember that if you give her pleasure, and she is relaxed she is much more likely to feel like sex. Of course if you have embraced the twin pillars of restarting intimacy of being mindful of your partner and all their needs, desires and aspirations, and the use of male chastity, you will be aware of ways to please her and she will wish to use her control of your parts to please you in return. Not your decision but hers of when you will be released, but pleasure for both is the aim.

The overall aim of your new life as you reintroduce intimacy into your lives is to make every action intimate, and to allow intimacy to occur in all areas of life, and this approach to personal care in pleasing your partner leads in this direction.

Remember

Before you attempt any of the above activities you do need to learn how to do them. This may mean you going with your partner to learn from a professional masseur or podiatrist how to massage feet or shoulders or to give a pedicure, learning from educational aids or books, but above all learning from your partner.

It is not just doing this sort of activity once that counts but it is doing it day after day, until you no longer have to concentrate on what you are doing and it becomes second nature. Not requiring her to nag you about what to do or when to do it that shows that you care makes it all fine and intimate between you.

Doing it only when you want something, or doing it badly or in a rush, or not listening and being mindful to her needs will be easy for her to see. Equally the fact that you are doing these things consistently day after day builds the total intimacy of your lives and shows each other that you care so much for the other person and their needs and desires.

Although all of the items in the above section are very intimate, there is really little difference in principle from providing these services to your partner and regularly taking out the trash and keeping all your stuff tidy. Both sorts of activity show the sort of person you are.

Exercise: Personal care

Read through this post or a chapter in the Restart Intimacy book and the Reintroduction to Intimacy course workbook together, sitting close together, and reading alternate paragraphs to each other. Now decide on one of the areas of personal care which you both want to explore. The man will need to ask the woman how she would like things done in this area, and any specific likes and dislikes. There is no use in making her a cup of tea if you do not know if she likes milk or sugar in it.

Now write it all down and agree it. The woman shows the man what to do and once he feels he understands he then does the task. He gives feedback on what he thinks he has done well, and what he could do better; she responds with her perceptions of the same. They then agree when and how it should happen, and whether it should happen without needing to be asked for, or only when requested.

Do you dare try chastity to increase your attentiveness to your partner and to increase intimacy between them?

There is more about chastity and its practicalities in both the Restart Intimacy book and the Reintroduction to Intimacy course workbook . Get a copy today and see how your lives can be changed.

For a limited time, the Restart Intimacy Kindle book is on sale for $3.99!

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99 Her Apparel and Things

One very intimate part of a woman’s clothing is those articles described as “delicates”, which are closest to her skin. If she is confident that her man knows what he is doing, she may be prepared for him to wash these items, dry them, and put them away tidily for her. This is something she usually does for her self, and is very personal for her. So if this is a space she allows him into then he really does need to learn what to do, for if he does it wrong and damages the items, then he may have to replace them at considerable cost.

She has shoes and boots that may need to be put away. If she goes outside they become dirty. When he cleans his own shoes, so that he can look clean and tidy for her, he can take the opportunity to clean her boots and shoes as well. Again he needs to have been shown what to do, so he uses the correct cleaner and does them as she would wish.

booties2

Her clothes and his have to be cleaned and often can dry hanging up in the bathroom. He can take them down when dry, fold them, putting his away, and leaving hers clean and neatly folded on the bed for her to decide where they go. Some men learn to iron and iron both their own shirts and those of their partner.

All of these items bring the couple close together, and cleaning your partner’s “delicates”, folding her cleaned clothes, or polishing her boots is a very close and intimate act. Done well it gives pleasure in a job well done, and great pleasure to the person for whom the service has been carried out. Done badly without consideration for the other, and in a sloppy manner and it produces rows, friction and strife, all because the man has not realized he needs assistance in knowing how she wants it done, and has not bothered to ask or to listen.

For all of these types of tasks the message, “Be Mindful”, is so important, never more than when you are doing something for each other and trying to do it to produce the maximum pleasure.

98 Intimacy All the Time

The previous post discussed ways to increase intimacy in the morning on getting up.

The same approach can be taken for getting breakfast with the man making sure the table is set before he goes to bed and that the kettle is boiled and his partner offered a drink before he leaves in the morning.

If they have time he can prepare he breakfast and serve it, or wash up and put away. If there is less time there is still time to give a kiss before leaving and to find out if anything needs to be done or obtained before he returns home.

In the evening there are so many things to do, preparing and eating a meal, clearing up and tidying everything away, and preparing to go to bed and getting there. The man should look at all the tasks that need doing and they should work out how to get both taking their share, which will mean the man doing more than he has done before.

If she baths first he can run it for her, and she may allow him to wash her back in the bath or shower and to dry her afterwards. He can make sure that the bedroom is ready and tidy, and clothes tidied away or put out for washing and can turn down her bed ready for her.

Before she settles he should kiss her goodnight, thus making the day a period between the first kiss of the day and the last. If she goes to bed before him he should make sure she is not disturbed by his music or noise after she has gone to settle.

This approach will lead to the man and the woman seeing intimacy and sharing becoming part of every aspect of their lives.

This is the object of restarting intimacy, not just great sex, though that comes too but intimacy in everything you do together and for each other.

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